Lost Friendship

Standingmoon has been on my mind.  The last time I saw her, in Aldi’s, she couldn’t wait to get away from me, so uncomfortable I make her now.  Even in my dreams, when I see her, she’s trying to escape conversation with me.  All I want to do is talk, connect, re-connect.  I don’t hold any grudges against her.  I would be the LAST person to do that.  I understand what happened. I think she does, too, but she’s always been squeamish in certain circumstances.  Connecting with me now falls into that category, I guess.

The fact is, I just didn’t want to be blamed for her relationship ills (to be clear, not by her). And I didn’t want to be confronted anymore for such assumptions.  She deserves more peace that that.  My older sister and brother lost their father that way, to murder by a hurting man.  I’m not going down any similar road like that.  I don’t trust those who don’t trust me, warranted or not.

The other fact is, I needed her and she wasn’t around.  She couldn’t be around, I guess.  I half didn’t want her around either (for the reason above). But I still needed her.  It was complicated.  I don’t blame her.  But I did need my best friend during that time.  I missed her all throughout, and I still miss her.  No one could ever replace her, no one.  There will always be a hole in my life without her, always. 

No one is perfect, not her, not I.  And my heart aches for the friendship I no longer have present.  Maybe it’s never going to be completely gone, but it’s certainly not present here and now.  And I feel greatly saddened by this.  What else can I say?  I miss her!! 

My heart is broken in this way.  Had I known we would drift like this, surely there would be something I could have done differently…. And yet there is no turning back time.  So I wish her well every time she crosses my mind.  I imagine she’s found new confidants, new support systems, and I imagine her boyfriend turning things around for them.  In this imaginary world with her, I’m still not in her life anymore.  My dreams tell me it’s still not the right time to re-connect (though I would certainly welcome it).  Maybe it never will be, I can’t know that, not yet.  So I wish her well, hold nothing against her, understand my own role in our parting, pray for her happiness, and wish her well upon her path.  And still, I miss her incredibly, incredibly so. 

I can’t even tell you how long it’s been!  I never started counting because there was never a day when something went wrong, no marker of our departure.  It just feels like eons, and at the same time, like yesterday… and I cry. I weep silent tears from time to time, hidden from everyone. And when I don’t cry, I ache.  There is no one like Standingmoon and she will always be my friend.