Hope in an Uncertain World

It's an uncertain world ahead of us, so many of us feel that now.  When the world's monetary system screeches to a halt, there's bound to be an eerie silence to life as we've known it. And life as we've known it is about to be changed one way or another.  But exactly how it will change is the uncertain part we wait for.  

I read an article yesterday, and wish I had saved the link, about the abject poverty some parts of the world are experiencing.  When whether or not you eat in any given day is dependent upon how much you earn that day, those people who no longer have money coming in... well those parts of the world are arguably more immediately worried about the pressing concern of starvation while they institute "stay at home" directives than the virus itself.  Some even argued that the cure was worse than the cause. :(  Both scenarios greatly sadden me.  

It's odd the way life interacts with us, both from within and without.  I ponder far out concepts like... this pandemic, could it be like a high fever, fighting off the infection of unfathomable levels of evil in this world?  I really hope some good can come of all this.  

For me, I see the world is in a birth canal, about to be born into something new and fantastic.  Please excuse my apparent enthusiasm.  It in no way jives with what the mainstream masses are feeling.  I get that.  But I know more than I say, and I have more hope than most can fathom putting stake in, even if I did try to explain.  But I won't try, the chasm is too great.  But the way I see it, we, as a humanity, are on our way through this no matter our individual perspectives.  

I hope you are well.  I hope you are healthy.  I hope you are finding ways to embrace positivity and not let this crisis drag you down.  It is my wish for you that you find your way to well-being, however that works best for you.  

For me, I am grateful my family is protected, at least financially, at least for the time being.  Not all have that benefit.  Many have lost their jobs, either temporarily or permanently, either through shutdowns or from electing to stay safe at home.  Financial losses on this scale can be extremely difficult to stay in emotional balance through.  I say this from having experienced being out of work for much of 2011 and falling into a deep-seated anger at society as a whole.  Many may have feelings like that beginning to set in.  I only have words of support to offer, suggestions I suppose.  

First of all, it's quite alright to feel angry, depressed, or whatever is brooding through you.  When you are angry, you are at least not turning it inward on yourself.  When you are in deep depression, you may have given up expecting the world to change around you and settled into a sense of hopelessness.  But there is always some hope to be found.  It may take some time to see where that is for yourself.  

For me, back in 2011, I was feeling like the world was designed to beat people down at every angle.  I felt this kind of oppression in a way that sickened my soul.  There's really no way I can describe the state I was in.  Every which way I looked, I felt obstacles before me, and I was pissed!  Eventually that turned inward and I became super depressed.  I wasn't sure how I could turn things around inside myself. I felt a hopeless desperation to feel better.  I began looking for anything that I could do that would help me feel a little better for a little bit of time.

That's when I had the bright idea to start growing some of my own food.  I thought, at least they can't take THAT away from me!  Knowing that even if I would lose my home that it would take a year or two for the process to kick me out, I decided to start a garden in my back yard.  

Every part of my soul responded to that idea.  So that's what I did.  I sat down with paper, pencil and a ruler and began making plans.  Eight years later I am still gardening, and have plenty of home-canned goods to get us through food shortages.  And given the current pandemic, it felt really good to know that I could feed my family even if stores had closed down.  Many of you may now be thinking a garden is a good idea.  And I'd love to help with that, however I can.  I'm thinking about doing some posts about getting started.  I may not be an expert, but I am willing to try.  And if I can help others in this one small way, that would be satisfying to me.  What do you think, should I do it?

The Wedding

The wedding photos are in!  

Please keep in mind we did not hire a professional photographer, so these are candid shots by my brother-in-law.  Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy them. :)

My sister made this sign for us.  I absolutely adore it!

My son walked me from the dressing room up to the back of the shelter.  It was too long of a walk for my father, who has Parkinson's Disease.  It was just barely sprinkling while my son and I walked up, but had quit by the time I made it to the alter. 

My dad, walking me up the aisle 💗

THIS is why we didn't marry in Sedona. 
For Dad! 
I am holding back the tears!

This is a bit blurry, if you zoom in, but I like it anyway.

I love my shoes, flats! No way was I walking in grass in heels.

Also, um... the funniest thing happened during the unity ceremony...  Notice we do NOT have the hurricane glass over the candle.  At first we did, but every time we went to try to light the pillar with our tapers, the wax from the tapers dripped down and put all the flames out! LMAO  Everyone laughed, including us.  Then the inventive Aquarius (me), took the hurricane glass off and wallah! All lit.

And thank you so much Dana for the unity ceremony words!  They were absolutely perfect!

I can't remember if this is before or after exchanging rings, probably after.  All I kept thinking is why did we make this so long! lol  It really wasn't long, about 20 minutes.  But I was so nervous up in front of everyone.

The Kiss!

Now, married!

Our little family 💗

Our family and their S.O.'s

My Parents

My siblings and parents
Yes, my brother is a funny guy. 👏

My extended family, not all, but most.

And in case you are wondering, where's my husband's family???  They are too elderly to travel, but really wanted to be there.

Mother of the Bride, Bride, Daughter of the Bride

Star of the show, Kozar!  

He wanted to be up at the alter during the ceremony, whined a little bit. lol

My Handsome Groom!

Here are my groom's family, in photos on the gift table.  Best I could do!

Bride and Groom cake (gluten-free, keto-friendly)

Cake for everyone else, full flavor lol.

Do you think he smashed it on my face?!?

Saying This Much

I have so much less to say. 

Things are going really well.  Instead of spending my focus on seeking who I would want to find for me, I now spend it looking for ways to bring our common dreams into being.

That is an incredible blessing.

There was a song I found the other day... on a CD in the console of my car, marked Apr 2013.  I *think* it was Apr? was definitely 2013.

I was waiting in the car for spaceman to run into a store for bait, and forgot my phone at home (smh at how much I use it).  So I started fiddling with the CDs in the console.  There was a period of time in my life, many years, when I would make music CDs of my current favorite songs and label them by the month and year.  This one was from 2013.... before I reconnected romantically with spaceman.

I'll link it down below.  You can listen if you want, or not if you don't want, but if you do... really listen to the lyrics.

It doesn't say it like I'm about to say it, but it tells about lovers who are reunited through the reincarnation process, twin flames if I'm not mistaken.  It's a beautiful song.   And it is among our favorite songs, just decided when he got back in the car and I played it for him on the way to go fishing for the day.  He agrees, it fits us perfect.

The best part is that this song was one I listened to relentlessly in 2013.  It undoubtedly had an influence on what I envisioned for myself, relationship-wise.  And I had no idea back then how it would feel to really live that kind of story.

Anyway, it's things like this, that no one will every truly know how sweet such moments are for us.  Hopefully they have their own sweet moments, but we are truly blessed, and we know it.

Now what to do with this?

Twin flames are back in droves the past few generations.  Now is the time to raise humanity.  But still, everyone must find their unique way, the manner in which service to others is a joyous way to be... however that turns out to be.  I wouldn't know, yet.

The coolest part is that the areas of life where his interests and my interests overlap, is probably where our adventures will lead.  But unfortunately we have so much  in common. lol

Anyway, maybe I'll find some more to say.

Long Overdue Update

It has happened.  I figured out what I wanted, went after my dream, and now I am his wife. 💕  That's some serious manifesting. 😊  He would tell you I was his dream since the first time he laid eyes on me.  I was a bit slow in coming around.  But, that's typical with a twin flame relationship, one or the other is usually The Runner.  

Spaceman and I could not be happier!

One of these days I will obtain the wedding photos and share a few.  Two of my brother-in-laws took care of the photos and video.  The photos are ready for me to go pick up, but the video isn't yet.  

On other topics, my 23 year old son moved out and has a great machinist job.  I think he's working on a laser machine lately.  He's really enjoying the hands-on work.  It seems to fit him very nicely.  

My 20 year old daughter is kicking butt at college. She's completed all her phlebotomy classes and clinicals and just waiting on receiving her certificate before she applies to start working that field.  But ultimately, she wants to be a Sonography technician and is commuting an hour to a different school to do their 2-year program.  She just went for phlebotomy because having a certificate and working in the field gives her a leg up over other applicants to the Sonography program.  But turns out, she's super good at drawing blood from people!  And, she loves it. Not a bad fall-back, eh?  It pays every bit as well as my son's machinist job.  I'm so proud of them both!

Spaceman and I had a really abundant garden this year.  While most folks were complaining the heavy spring rains did their gardens in, ours survived and then flourished.  And due to the longer than usual summer weather (into early fall), we still have tomatoes, cucumbers, cabbage, jalapenos, and curly kale growing.  Like, it's time to clear the garden, re-apply compost, leaf mulch, and wood chips but... the garden is not ready to be winterized yet.  I heard my order of garlic is about to be shipped out to us, so... yeah, we have to just pull the plug I think.  

We are shopping around for a truck that's just right for us.  We've come across a couple we really like, but haven't yet landed a sale.  We're not looking for a new or late-model truck, so it's a process, shopping around, etc.  I can't wait to have our very own truck to haul wood chips and stuff.  I'm ready to put it to good use already!

I guess that's about it.  I hope life is treating you really well, it sure is us. 😊

Old School Update

I know it's "old school" and sh*t to still be blogging about my life like this.  But hey, that's just me.  Sometimes even a future-centered Aquarius can exhibit old school tendencies. *shrugs*

So, some possible good news:

With Keto, I've gotten off track for a while.  My weight has lingered about 4 lbs higher than the lowest I've achieved in this effort.  I guess it was bound to happen eventually.  But this week I've been working on getting back on track and the body is once again responding.  

I think what sealed my downfall was getting sick. Boy was I sick! I can't recall ever calling off work for 4 days in a row before. But yikes, I was seriously bed-ridden sick. I was so darn sick, I am *still* hacking up crap and it's been a couple weeks since the main illness. But... it's clearing nicely, albeit slowly, and I think soon I'll forget all about this ordeal. Or will I??? 

See, the thing is... my IBS-C seems to be greatly alleviated since I was down and out those 4 days. Whatever "bug" got to me, even though this was a sinus thing and not a digestive tract illness that I went through, it somehow also changed my gut biome to my benefit. (Drainage to gut side effect???)

I don't get it, but the result is fantastic. Though I am now having some digestion upset immediately after eating, my constipation is essentially gone.  I can appreciate what's happening now much more than the C in IBS-C. :) So VERY Happy Happy Joy Joy :D And, I hope the changes don't revert back over time... I mean, I am still hacking so maybe this will go away when that goes away??? But still... when IBS-C hit, it hit over the course of 3 weeks back in 2005. So why not reverse in an equally sudden way? I'll be crossing my fingers.  I'm so DONE with IBS-C! grr lol

Out with 2018 and in with 2019!

Last night was "normal" and normal is a blessing. <3  Spaceman and I had a single glass of wine, he with his naltrexone pill (opiate blocker) taken 1 hour in advance, which is perfectly acceptable.  We also had some gouda cheese that's a favorite of ours.  We ate and sipped in bed while watching some YouTube videos on space and top 10 this or that short videos.  He had to be up by 5 am to get ready for work, so we planned NOT to stay up until midnight.  I got up with him this morning, which is rare for me.  When I get up for work, he always gets up to make me breakfast and see me off.  He's sweet like that, and has taught me how to truly show love and devotion (although 5am is really hard for me compared to my 7am wake up time).

2018 started out still rather chaotic from the year before.  Spaceman had moved in with us in September of 2016 and by mid-winter that year, his alcoholism had come to light - and I was devastated.  It was a degree of that kind of chaos that 2018 was still enduring when it started.  He had already been taking naltrexone and following TSM (The Sinclair Method) for several months by then, but he was still struggling through the process.  In February, it came to another head and we both figured out what the real problem was, and he put an end to it finally (vodka).  Because of TSM and nal, he was able to arrive to a point where he could make a decision to permanently give that up, implement it, and be able to resist temptation.  That was early February 2018.  

So to me, 2018 was a really GOOD year.  I don't care what was going on in the political arena, what truly mattered to us, was us, and we were making great progress towards coming back around to our center together.  

Soon there were months of success that he tucked behind him into our past.  As the peace piled up, then came the healing and trust returning.  We hardly ever argue anymore.  There simply isn't anything to argue about.  And if one of us feels strongly about something, we know how to stay centered in how we go about discussing the topic with each other.  I'm very thankful for a calm, rational, sensitive, considerate best friend and lover.  He was just hung up on some baggage that wouldn't let go of him no matter how hard he had tried to get rid of it.  Together we conquered, and for that we are eternally grateful.  There is a bond now, even though it was already epic in our eyes before, that is forged through the kind of fire that irrevocably unites us.  

This is the kind of Love I had been searching for all my life; and he, I.

And now, our future seems bright and exciting.  We are taking care of business so to speak and making small everyday progress towards our goals.  It feels so good.  :)

2019 is the year we can finally start plugging the little holes in our boat so that our plan starts to float.  I guess you could say 2018 we repaired the largest hole lol, but 2019 is going to resolve the little things - such as home repair projects, budget concerns, fine-tuning gardening strategies (as always), and continuing our "jump from the nest" coaching for the kids (19, 19 & 22).  My own two are continuing along nicely, each at their own pace.  The third is my daughter's boyfriend who came to live with us through circumstances we would rather not talk about (it has nothing to do with pregnancies or anything like that).  His up-bringing, though his mother did her best, was not the same as my kids' upbringing, and he's - let's just say - lacking some initiative in life.  He's a really good person, or we wouldn't have welcomed him to live here, but he's basically jobless and not looking.  There are some health complications that he's citing, but they could be overcome with some minor adjustments, or overcome majorly with some major adjustments.  It's all his choice, but right now he's what I'll call "resting".  He's 19 and simply not adulting as well as my own kids.  Everyone begins adulting at their own rate.  He could be one of my own kids, so to speak.  My own could have been just like that.  In fact, my son threw away a perfectly great paying 1st shift job because he was too immature to take the advice of his elders and simply keep it.  That's a learning experience.  This young man is going through some of his own learning experiences.  And to be frank, I am also going through some learning experiences trying to figure out how to approach him on these topics.  I'm not hard-nosed, so I can't just make demands and set hard boundaries.  I'm more of a circle around and find an acceptable way to enter into negotiations kind of person.  Only, I don't know this person as well as I have known my own kids.  It's a challenge, one I have been putting off and putting off.  So 2019 will also include some additional challenges I did not see having on my plate with regard to our "extra kid".  I think first things first: he needs a driver's license and I am going to have to commandeer some cones and teach him maneuverability and make sure he has plenty of driving practice. Then just get him going in that direction.  I think that's a sensible place to start.  And start I need to do!  I took him in, I should have known what I was taking in, but like with spaceman when he moved in, sometimes people come with certain challenges that we, as loved ones, find ourselves helping to deal with, one way or another.  We love our "extra kid", and so we will do our best to get him adjusted and healthily empty nested as well.

2019 beckons and we are up to the challenges!

Happy 2019 all!!! <3

Parenting

Maybe I've worked a little too hard on getting through to my daughter over the years (just a little joking here).  You see, I'm an Aquarius and she's a Leo, like her father.  Her dad and I split up when she was just 4 months old, but my girl, her personality is unmistakably wired like her father.  If you ask her, she will agree.

She's a stubborn girl like her mother, too.  Leo's certainly don't corner the market on stubbornness, after all.  And because of our personality differences, raising her has been one of my bigger challenges.  But, it's also been one of the most rewarding.  And before I go any further... I also have an older son, a Virgo, whom has been easier in some respects and challenging in others.  Today, I'm talking about my daughter, because last night we had the most amazing conversation and I realized.... she's grown.  She's mature. She's equipped for life ahead of her.  She's learned all she needs to know from her good ole' mom and that's much more than I realized.  

First, a little background...

This past June my daughter and I embarked on a "diet" together.  She has lost 57 lbs so far, and I've lost 27.  That's amazing and all that, but the real gem in our journey together has been the deepening of our mother-daughter relationship.  We plan meals together.  We sometimes grocery shop together, and she helps out making recipes when she has time around her shifting work schedule.  

Spending so much time with her this past 6 months has deepened our relationship immensely.  I've watched her grow and mature through the years, but until I spent so, so much time one-on-one with her, I never realized just how smart and insightful this young lady has become.  

My particular style of parenting has been a "say yes" style.  I don't flip out much. I always tried to be positive and prune negativity.  Whenever they had frustrations, I tried to help them understand others' point of view and handle them with grace and understanding, but not let others walk all over them either.  It seems simple. But when you have someone who is quick to jump into a "me first" attitude, it's more a challenge to get through to them.  This was my daughter.  She is sassy!

There have been countless times this past year that I have noticed the intelligence that she has going on beneath her veneer.  But last night takes the cake.  She recounted a story about a conversation she and a coworker had where she proceeded to explain how the medical system truly works because they're bought out by the corporations who make money off you being sick, not off you getting well... (but said it with a lot more detail and understanding than I thought she knew).  My jaw was on the floor, and then the giggles kicked in imagining what this other girl must have been thinking as this was being said.  Was it the first time she's heard such things?  I don't know.  But my daughter has heard them countless times from me!

That's all parroting me, right?  Let me go on...

I'm not sure how we ended up on this topic, but she then proceeded to tell me how the rest of the family sees me, but how it's all wrong because the way I really am, if they really knew the real me, was because of this penchant to be calm and peaceful, to not be around drama, stress and negativity.  They see it as I don't care about x, y, or z.  But really it's because I do care, that I don't join in those behaviors.  She went on and on about all this really insightful stuff, that I can't recall well enough to explain here.  Just suffice it to know that, again, my jaw was on the floor listening to my daughter and all her psychological insight.  I really have tried to raise my kids with compassion and understanding for the situations they find themselves in.

We also spoke at length about finances, how to read a credit card statement, how to know what bills to pay first, what's the best strategy for this or that, etc.  She has a really good understanding of her finances and some significant savings built up.  She's 19.  The questions she asks me are specific and show her grasp of her personal economics.  

And therefore I proclaimed to the household, my girl is ready to move out! haha Not that she has to, I told her, but that I'm sure she'll do fine when she finally does.  I don't think that will be for another year though.  She's starting school again after the holidays, this time at the local community college - a much better value for her money.  She switch from a $40k university nursing degree to a less than $10k Pharmacy Technician program.  

Super proud I am!

My 21 year old son is also on his path as well.  He's taken up somewhat of an unofficial apprenticeship in machining, full time.  And he likes it enough that he doesn't complain 24/7 about it. lol  I'll take that as a win for now as well.  And like I eluded to earlier, this boy was born compassionate, despite his masculine dominance. lol  He has a really great balance of both.  :)

For now, the nest is still full, and I'm enjoying most every bit of it.  I wish I could go back in time and tell my young mother self that these kids will turn out just fine and to stop caring what others think of my parenting style and personality quirks.

Processing

Seems like when it rains, it pours.  Yesterday was a pretty good day, listening to classic rock tunes while working, feeling caught up finally, and working away at my next task.  Then something bit me in the ass, code-wise, so to speak. The realization of it just threw me for a loop.  I was really frustrated, to the brink of tears.  This never happens at work. I'm not usually that easy to upset, even in the midst of bad news.  But boy was I fuming mad, at the situation and how much I had tried to prevent it and still failed.  My anger boiled over into tears when no one was looking.  I was wiped the rest of the day and evening, emotionally drained.

Then early, early this morning I had a nightmare involving Standingmoon, a tornado, and the loss of her life.  In all the dreams I've ever had about tornadoes, no one has ever actually been harmed.  But she was swept away and I was devastated.  That's a horrible feeling to wake up to.  It's been lingering all morning, that and a headache.  

Today is our work Christmas party.  We're going to a breakout room, then dinner with spouses/SO's after that.  All I want to do is go home and go back to sleep.  I don't know what's going on, but my dreams keep pestering me about Standingmoon.  And work is frustrating, too.  My life is pretty calm on all the other fronts, so I'm very appreciable for that.  Just not sure why my subconscious is making me deal with her absence as harshly as it is.  This makes 3 dreams in the past couple weeks now.  

On the other hand, it's good my dreams are speaking to me strongly again like tarot readings and such.  When spaceman moved in, I switched to a new deck, a Mayan oracle.  It's amazing and perfect for me at this point in my spiritual evolution.  I suspect I'm being eased into closer contact with my higher self and guides.  Reentry is a bit rough at the moment.  Some self-TLC is in order.  Thankfully, I have a nice stretch of time off work coming up soon.  I can't wait. :)

Lost Friendship

Standingmoon has been on my mind.  The last time I saw her, in Aldi’s, she couldn’t wait to get away from me, so uncomfortable I make her now.  Even in my dreams, when I see her, she’s trying to escape conversation with me.  All I want to do is talk, connect, re-connect.  I don’t hold any grudges against her.  I would be the LAST person to do that.  I understand what happened. I think she does, too, but she’s always been squeamish in certain circumstances.  Connecting with me now falls into that category, I guess.

The fact is, I just didn’t want to be blamed for her relationship ills (to be clear, not by her). And I didn’t want to be confronted anymore for such assumptions.  She deserves more peace that that.  My older sister and brother lost their father that way, to murder by a hurting man.  I’m not going down any similar road like that.  I don’t trust those who don’t trust me, warranted or not.

The other fact is, I needed her and she wasn’t around.  She couldn’t be around, I guess.  I half didn’t want her around either (for the reason above). But I still needed her.  It was complicated.  I don’t blame her.  But I did need my best friend during that time.  I missed her all throughout, and I still miss her.  No one could ever replace her, no one.  There will always be a hole in my life without her, always. 

No one is perfect, not her, not I.  And my heart aches for the friendship I no longer have present.  Maybe it’s never going to be completely gone, but it’s certainly not present here and now.  And I feel greatly saddened by this.  What else can I say?  I miss her!! 

My heart is broken in this way.  Had I known we would drift like this, surely there would be something I could have done differently…. And yet there is no turning back time.  So I wish her well every time she crosses my mind.  I imagine she’s found new confidants, new support systems, and I imagine her boyfriend turning things around for them.  In this imaginary world with her, I’m still not in her life anymore.  My dreams tell me it’s still not the right time to re-connect (though I would certainly welcome it).  Maybe it never will be, I can’t know that, not yet.  So I wish her well, hold nothing against her, understand my own role in our parting, pray for her happiness, and wish her well upon her path.  And still, I miss her incredibly, incredibly so. 

I can’t even tell you how long it’s been!  I never started counting because there was never a day when something went wrong, no marker of our departure.  It just feels like eons, and at the same time, like yesterday… and I cry. I weep silent tears from time to time, hidden from everyone. And when I don’t cry, I ache.  There is no one like Standingmoon and she will always be my friend.

Revisiting Hypothyroidism

Last week I heard Dr. Berry (my favorite Keto YouTube Doc) say constipation can be caused by HYPOTHYROIDISM, and he recommended a website to help with it: www.stopthethyroidmadness.com.  I had not considered hypothyroidism to be a possible cause for my IBS-C, probably because when I first learned about it and my symptoms I didn't yet have constipation.  Hypothyroidism is something my own doctor has always told me I don’t have!

I have tried so many ways to help alleviate my constipation. Keto is helping, so is higher water and mineral intake.  But nothing works long term and certainly nothing has cured it.  All my efforts only seem to temporarily cut back on the severity of the constipation, not consistently prevent or cure it.  There seem to be too many factors to control, including travel and stress.  My efforts are commendable, but obviously are not treating the real cause.  It’s still a monumental effort to keep my motility going because there’s usually something that changes up in my routine that knocks me back and takes a week or more to readjust.  At most I can go (pun intended) for about 1.5-2 weeks, then trouble again.  I can only seem to “manage” my constipation on a scale of not as bad.  I WANT A TO KNOW THE ROOT CAUSE so I can more effectively deal with it!

Granted, there is something else I have not yet tried, and should try (going dairy free), and I am already ramping down.  Originally that was the plan for my Keto adventure.  But 2 days before I started, my daughter asked to join me and... well, I wanted to give her the best chance possible at sticking with this.  So, I did not limit dairy at that point.  Now that I'm trying to ramp down on it.  I still find myself accidentally adding dairy here and there (just had some ranch dressing for instance, without thinking).  I'm getting better, even if I'm obviously not 100% committed yet to no dairy.

But this new info on Hypothyroidism... in my gut hypothyroidism feels like it could potentially be the key.  Why? 

All throughout my adult life I have gone to the doctor asking to be tested for hypothyroidism, nearly yearly for a really long time until I gave up trying (because my doctor wouldn’t treat sub-clinical hypothyroidism).  But in reality, I have blazing hypothyroidism symptoms and the TSH test isn’t indicating it:

•        Fine, thin, & thinning hair
•        Weak nails
•        Dry skin
•        A slow metabolism
•        Cold all the time
•        And since 2005, chronic constipation for which I have had all kinds of tests that turned up absolutely nothing. 
•        And let’s not under emphasize that I have not one, not two, but 3 of 3 of my closest blood relatives ALL have some form of diagnosed thyroidism!!! 

My mother, my father, and my full-blooded sister are all on synthetic T4-only medications, based off of TSH lab testing, for which I have never fallen outside the range (or have I??? I found out the range has narrowed, noted further below).  My sister is hypo & hyper.  As I've been reading about this subject. I now wonder if she has been tested for Hashimoto's.  The symptoms are much the same as Hypothyoroidism, but the thyroid is under attack due to an autoimmune response.

TSH – Why It’s Useless
https://stopthethyroidmadness.com/tsh-why-its-useless/

What I have learned from “Stop the Thyroid Madness”, STTM for short, a website and book that complied patient-to-patient experiences with better diagnosing and treating thyroid-related conditions (hypo/hyper/Hashimoto’s/adrenal fatigue, low iron, etc.), is that the TSM test can be “normal” for 10-15 years before it gets sufficiently out of hand so that it finally shows up out of range!  So people like me with blazing hypothyroidism symptoms, simply get told the thyroid is fine and go untreated FOR YEARS.  In addition to that, modern synthetic prescriptions are “T4-only” when our actual thyroids involve T4, T3, T2, T1 & calcitonin.  There’s even a link to heart palpitations from hypothyroidism, which I dealt with 2 years ago.  A constipation aide sent that over the edge for me, which I figured out and ceased. I also learned at that time, to increase my magnesium intake, which also helps constipation.  It’s been somewhat better since, but still not well-controlled.  I am starting to see that the medical establishment has failed me with their inferior TSH test. 

So, I’m reading this book, which I started Friday after work and am nearly half fished already.  I find it fascinating.  There is SO MUCH to learn about how the hormone system works together, or is supposed to work together.  I don’t find it a dull read at all. 

Here’s a study looking at hypothyroidism and gut motility (constipation). This one is rather boring to read, though it demonstrates the link.
https://www.hindawi.com/journals/grp/2009/529802/

I have a physical scheduled in a couple weeks.  I may or may not, for financial reasons since I may ask for extra lab tests, reschedule it for some time after the 1^st of the year (when my deductible restarts).  I also need the time to study up better, so I can present the information to my doctor, so that I can convince him to base his diagnosis on the presentation of my symptoms and not the faulty TSH lab.  Although, in this book, they said the range used to be 0.5-5.0, and it’s since been lowered to 0.3-3.0.  My last TSH result (Jan. 2016) was 3.7, on the higher side, which is the side that starts to indicate possible hypothyroidism.  The TSH is high because the body is signaling for more because the thyroid isn’t answering the call of the TSH message.  It’s “knocking but no one is answering”. 

Anyway, there are a couple of possible underlying conditions that can thwart proper treatment with Natural Desiccated Thyroid medicine (or even synthetic t4-only medicine), and that is an adrenal dysfunction or low ferritin (low iron).  I’m still reading how to determine that. They have tests and lab work that can help diagnose it.  I just need to get my ducks in a row before I see my doctor.  Some of the lab work I can order myself and have as ammunition.  I don’t know if I have any underlying problem or not, but I need to at least rule it out.  If I do, that has to be treated as well, or I won’t see positive results from even the better Natural Desiccated Thyroid medicine – assuming I can even find a doctor to prescribe it properly (which is also a big problem, while most won't prescribe it at all).

I don’t believe in leaving it to my doctors.  They don’t know me.  They don’t suffer my symptoms.  They don’t have vast knowledge, nor are they financially free from oppressive pharmaceutical and corporate interests.  These things get in the way of good doctors practicing the best medicine they could.  I really feel for doctors, because they go into the field for all the right reasons, go into hellacious debt to do it, and end up with their hands tied by the industry.  I will NOT let that stop me from finding my answers.

This Place We're In

Two Monday's ago, the anniversary of spaceman moving in came and went, with some private celebration of course. ;)  Two years.  Two full years.  And we have been through a LOT!  And yet, here we are, still together, still kickin', still... well better than ever. <3

Yesterday he started his first job since moving in.  We had a deal.  He would get one when he was good and ready, and no sooner.  Screw what everyone else thinks.  This is OUR life together, not theirs.  And that's how we rolled.  I make plenty, and spaceman has not been the only soul I have invited into my home with or without a job through the years.  I currently have an extra 19 year old living with us as well.  This is not a burden.  This was a solution to unspoken concerns.  I have no complaints, other than when I find the common areas left a mess - and that's usually my own kids who have done it.  

But yesterday was momentous because it started yet another new chapter in spaceman and I's lives together.  He's been through the wringer, and together we transcended.  

While he was working yesterday, I felt inspired to make some notes of it in my private journal.  When I opened it up, I saw it had been nearly a year since I had last made an entry.  After writing my happy entry, I read backwards through the posts from a year ago.  Yowzers.  It's amazing the difference a year can make. <3

A year ago we were on the brink of calling it quits due to his addiction.  There were fights that weren't intended but unavoidable, there were threats to call it quits, and then there were a series of breakthroughs that, though they started as emergencies, they ended with new beginnings.  Its funny how you can be so close to turning things around and not be able to sense it.  Turn it around we did. <3  Addiction is hell, but healing from addiction was surprisingly swift for us.  Of course for that I have spaceman to thank.  He did the inner work.  He dealt with the very real struggle.  HE DID IT.  I was just there for encouragement, love and a soft landing.  

It was so sweet to read through those heart-wrenching entries, to feel the reminder of just how bad it was back then, but to feel just how equally solid and promising things are now.  Back then I couldn't imagine how I could ever get this "issue" behind us.  Even if he healed, I figured our relationship would always be somewhat damaged from this.  But it hasn't been like that at all.  

Sure, it took time.  Sure, I was hard pressed to trust for a while. But he was as patient with me as I had been with him, and I needed that.  After he put that poison down for the last time (we call it "that bitch!" for humor), it took more than just days, or week, even months, for me to trust again... always looking over my shoulder so-to-speak.  "Just in case" I needed to keep my vigil.  But it was that same vigil that was now getting in the way.  Real healing was happening and I gradually began to see it... to feel it.  Periods of time began slipping by when I didn't think to check for bottles or count his pills to make sure he took them.  And in realizing it, I began to relax.  And in relaxing, I found true peace again.  Healing each of us was a separate journey in many ways.  But healing automatically lifted the stressors that had plagued us for so long, and we naturally came full circle back into our cherished state together.  

Honestly, it didn't take long.  Healing grew into fullness quickly for us.  In a few days it will be 8 months since he quit that bitch.  Things are really taking off.  All those dreams I thought I would have to give up, they're still here with us. We are going after them. <3  I'm one happy chic.  He's shown me that even through his trigger days (anniversaries of x, y, z), he's got this licked.  He's 100% capable of traversing those days without going off the deep end.  It was that bitch that was screwing him every time.  She's no friend of ours.  

I feel like the luckiest girl on earth.  How many people can say their loved one beat addiction for them?  Not as many as there should be anyway.  I AM lucky.  And I learned a great deal along the way, for myself.  You see, I'm a runner.  When the going got tough, I bolted.  It was like that since my early dating days.  If I heard a rumor a boy was cheating on me or about to break up, I broke up first.  Even in my thirties, after a failed marriage and not having problems finding new love interests, none of my relationships lasted longer than 3-6 months on average.  I always came away from them feeling like I screwed it up again.  Even with spaceman the first time around, even with him!!!  

But through the ordeal with him last year, I discovered I had it within ME to stick it out.  I found that I could be the person I thought I never could.  I found compassion beyond desirability.  I found out what it's like to be in the shoes of so many others.  And I faced that addiction right along side him.  I don't know what it's like for others who have been through it.  But I know what it was like for us.  Even when the love is grand, and mutual, it strips you bare and beats you down until you feel like you can't continue.  

Reading those words from a year ago... while they brought back emotions I never want to feel again, they also reminded me of just how far we have come.  I am the luckiest girl alive.  My man got his shit together for me.  Yes, he did it for himself, and for his family, and for me... but he wouldn't have done it without me.  Somehow I was key in this process for him.  And that feels amazing.  I am brought to tears each time I think about it.  If I have done nothing else of value in my life, there is still this.  And if he ever works another day in his life, there's still that.  

I often think of those memes that remind us, "You never know what's going on in someone else life.  Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about." ---or something like that.  For spaceman and I, most of my family doesn't even know what we went through last year.  I've just told them he has been dealing with some things, which was true.  And so I'm super proud of how much progress he's made in this past year.  This new job is a milestone of sorts.  He's going to be great at it.  And now we can move even faster towards our dreams, and any qualms anyone ever had about me living with a guy who doesn't work... well they can go fuck themselves! hahaha  Yep, that's pretty much how I feel about it.  Spaceman needed some space, some serious space for a long while.  I was privileged to be able to provide it for him.  And he's long been on the comeback.  We are both stoked and ready to take on the world, and stronger than ever, because of what we have been through together.  

Ease & Effort

Most of my effort on this WOE (way of eating, rather than "diet") is incurred on the weekend.  While in so many ways, this WOE is easy-peasy, delicious & nutritious the weekends are consumed with food prep.  

Friday evening I try to get my daughter to send me some recipes she's interested in, and I print out a couple main dish recipes and a couple dessert recipes.  I've pretty much given up on also making a couple side dish recipes.  These recipes I have to go through to see what ingredients I need, and put them on the grocery list, complete with amounts.  We gave up on side dishes.  It got to be too much.  But no worries, I keep plenty of veggies on hand for that.  We do garden and spaceman cans or vacuum seals and freezes most of it.  You could say he and I spend the majority of our time together either in the kitchen or in the garden, or tuckered out sleeping. lol

But it's enjoyable.  I feel so good eating this way, and weight is just gradually dropping off.  That's the part that feels so easy-peasy.  I don't go to the gym.  I don't eat diet food. I eat really yummy, homemade dishes.  And, they're usually portioned out for a quick grab from the fridge in the morning so I can take it to work and reheat & eat it. Easy!

But these weekends... Saturday ends up being grocery day.  I usually go several places.  

1. Whole foods for specialty health food items such as Lily's Chocolate Chips (keto-friendly), any supplements I need, and sometimes organic veggies (though most I can get at my regular grocery)
2. A local farm for fresh eggs
3. Dollar Tree for things like zip lock bags 
4. Aldi's for grass fed meats, organic milk & cheese, avocados, some frozen pizzas for the boys, sometimes some frozen fish for us, and toilet paper.  
5. Kroger for Zevia Cherry Cola, mmm mm!
6. Meijer for the rest.

It's a pain.  While I go to Whole Foods probably only every other week and during my lunch break at work, the rest happen weekly since being on Keto.

Then Sunday, it's cooking day.  For instance, today I have 6 recipes, plus one I can't make until 24 hours after one of the other recipes is done.  

• Shredded Chicken Chili - my daughter's main dish
• Cheesy Steak Fajita Rolls - my main dish
• Smoked Beef Jerky - just an extra thing I want to try
• Raspberry Jelly (sugar free jam, that goes in meatballs recipe)
• Pumpkin Roll with Cream Cheese - Ashley's dessert
• Buckeyes (aka to non-Ohioans: Peanut butter balls) - my dessert
• Slow Cooker Meatballs - another dish my daughter wanted (I spoil her)

I think she gets off work at 6:30 pm, and rest assured, I'll still be going at this and she can help at that point.  In fact, I'm sure I'll still be at it until time to retire to the double recliner out on the back deck and sit with spaceman where we'll talk about the state of the world while we scan the skies for satellites, and aerial phenomenon of the unidentified sort.