Almost Time!

It’s almost time.  In four days’ time, spaceman will be knocking on my front door.  We have been conversing over the phone quite a bit lately.  Every time we talk I’m initially nervous, but it just takes off.  Last night we spoke for 3 hours.  That’s how it is with us.  We talk and talk and talk, and, well you know… we talk a LOT. 

It’s got to be incredibly sappy for me to say this, but I love this man with all my heart and soul.  He’s incredibly dreamy to me, and I cannot wait to have him on my doorstep Friday. 

A friend tagged me on an article on Facebook, and I just have to share here, because sharing on FB… well, people don’t care to hear how incredibly in love you are.  Why are people uncomfortable with declarations of affection???  (a topic for a different day)

The Goddess Spoke of Love
by Ara

“My daughter, love someone that longs to be open with you to you in all the ways you deserve to be opened wide, not just purely physically.” The Goddess said. “Someone who opens your mind, body, soul and heart right into the depths of your being and opens theirs to flow right back with yours.

http://thegoddesscircle.net/the-goddess-spoke-of-love/

That’s exactly what we have and so much more.  The words that flow out of his mouth and into my ears delight me.  How can this be, this man who reflects so much of me?  How did we get so lucky to have met and met again?  Just look at all the potential we had in the beginning, which was somehow untimely and yet, looking back, planted the most wonderful seed in both our lives. 

Growing up, my parents had a tulip tree in our back yard.  It was just another tree, one that leaned dangerously in towards the house.  When I looked at it, I wondered when a storm might blow it down and crash through the roof.  But it never did.  Year after year that tree just existed there in its everyday lush green show.  Years went by and my siblings and I grew older.  Then one spring, tulip flowers began to appear in the canopy, just a few the first year, then ever more each season.  When they first came, my mom was elated!  She pointed them out and told us how long she had been waiting for those flowers.  It turns out it takes 10 years for a tulip tree to bloom, 10 whole years from seed to maturity.  That’s how spaceman and I have been. 

In December of 2004, we met on an online dating site.  Like it is now, it was in the beginning… we could not get enough of one another.  We connected on so many levels and both slipped into that precious state we call love.  It was long distance then, as it is now.  Our first visit in person was just incredible, a melding I cannot describe with words.  The whole weekend was like that.  And home again he went, back to Virginia to his Appalachian home.  And although the next visit we had with one another saw our demise as a couple, it was never due to lack of love, never.  I still have the charcoal drawing he made me that day, such love in that parting gift, such tenderness, acceptance and vision.  We parted then, but we never lost touch.  In many ways, we continued cherishing one another through the years, through emails filled with the most loving of friendships. We held each other in the highest esteem, allowing whoever and whatever came into and out of each of our lives to be without need to shape it.  Neither one of us had any idea that there was yet a future for us in exactly the way we had once dreamed.  We thought that particular ship had sailed.  Our love caramelized into the sweetest of friendships, held dear year after year, and that was enough.

And yet here we are again!  In four days he will be on my doorstep for the second time, and I cannot wait to feel his embrace.  I cannot wait to look him in the eyes and tell him all over again, I love you, I love you, I love you. 

I joked with him once, I said, “I don’t know how we are ever going to pick an anniversary date.  We’ve never had any particular day that was ‘the’ day ‘we’ started.”  But if I had to pick one, this go-round, I would say Halloween.  Halloween weekend was when things turned definitively into a chosen choice, for the both of us, each our own way.  So, if I use that date, we are 3 ½ months into the mush, the gush, the love goo.  Which means… we are still in the “honeymoon period”… good timing, very good timing. :D  Friday is only 4 days away!

Sweetness all over

I have come to the conclusion that my kids really do love me.  Seriously, I just had to shoo one away just so I could write this blog.  And...... she's back, telling me about how she "accidentally started bawling" during this one Parenthood episode.  Yes, we talk about it all.  My kids even ask for life advice from time to time.  But mostly, and I mean RELENTLESSLY (no exaggeration) they annoy me to tears of laughter.  And they enjoy it, gang up on me, gang up on one another... sometimes I gang up on them in an epic out-smart.  Yes, I love those. :D  

Anyway, I think they love me.  At a time in a teenager's life when they are most likely to rebel and certainly not seek out a parents advice and confidance.... yes, I am very lucky.  I don't know how I did it, but these two are funny, annoying, honest, and increasingly self-aware.  I love them with every piece of me.  But yes... yes I look forward to exploring a life of my own in my empty nest years.  

But that's not here nor there at the moment.  I will take life as it comes and live it to the best of my ability until the universe orchestrates the most succinct syncronicities so that I know with my heart where to place my next step.  

Of course I do have some preferences... I'll call them "preferences" but in all reality they are choices.  Through trial and error I have come to know myself.  While that is not always easy to convey (it's super hard and super easy at the same time), I do know in my own heart the kind of person I really am and aim to be.  Only I know myself best.  Only you know yourself best.  And recently I made a decision and I chose spaceman.  I said, no matter what the universe can throw at us, we still have the option of decidedly deciding something and manifesting it.  And I chose spaceman.  Granted, we were already in frequent contact by then, but he wasn't exactly in the best place to receive that kind of attention.  We all go through some serious shit when we experience true loss.  He lost his brother, suddenly and intensely.  I came on the scene again while he was admid that loss.  I can't imagine that kind of loss and it scares the begeebees out of me thinking of my own siblings.  It's one of those emotions that can overwhelm me almost every time if I think of it.  I can't imagine his suffering.  But we reconnected in a much stronger way anyway.  Sometimes timing can be a god-send.  Sometimes it can feel, an antagonist.  

Right now things feel worrisomeless (a new word, just for you).  I feel calm and connected and peaceful and desiring and optimistic.  This is so unlike me when I'm in a relationship.  And yet, it's not.  It's me and how I relate to myself.  It might not be me and how I relate with other as much, but it's still me.  And has certainly been more and more my modus operande for a few years now.  Lately, it's all of it.  I feel all kinds of soul growth and spaceman is a big part of that.  That's the kind of relationship we want.  We are both capable otf going with the flow, and yet we are both strong enough to say what we really want or need... honesty.  Plus we have a bunch of other stuff in common...... 

Anyway, life feels in a certain range of flux lately.  I have kids with increasingly adult problems to discuss and learn to manage, a brother who I need to deal with to get him off and back out on his own again, and a relationship founded in long-term cherishing and admiration.  And yet, he's there and I'm here... and so there is a state of flux that has settled in, into comfort.  It wasn't what I would have preferred, but it is what it needs to be for now.  I had been worried about these things in the beginning.  I worried how I would handle a long-term long-distance relationship.... anything over a year feels like long-term to me.  And I don't even know if that is short-sighted as well.  I really do not know anything for sure except that I want to be with him.  And I have no problem saying that here, publicly, where anyone, including him, can read it.  He knows all this already.  I have made my decision clear at every stage since.  At one point, that even meant accepting defeat and a sub-par dream.  But I couldn't stay away and when I sought him out again, he had had a change of heart.  It's been falling up all over again.  

Leaning In

Last night's story had an alternate ending that was, what feels like to me, thankfully and miraculously avoided.  There's no amount of writing it out here that could possibly convey how grateful I am to spaceman for what he did for me last night.  I'm in uncharted waters, this relationship navigation stuff, and he is beyond incredible with his support and understanding.  

Last night I was delivered some news that sent me into a panic... a familiar panic mode because it has happened twice before and I thought I was done with that period of my life.  I'm being purposefully cryptic here, but please suffice it to say that I knew I had to get a grip on my reaction before it ran away with itself... and I was losing the battle.  

I was at a friend's house when the news came and I told them what was going on, that I needed to leave, and added that I didn't know how I was going to keep my freak-out from spaceman because I didn't want him to see me this way.  Their advice?  Don't hide it.  If you want more intimacy with him, be completely open about it.  It was sage advice.  

As open as I can be with people, it isn't easy to be open when your worst fears are triggering.  It's definitely complete vulnerability to allow someone to see such things for the first time, live in action.  It was terrifying, the situation, more than spilling my beans to him, though.  So I went home and asked him to please call me.  Mind you, we have spoken on the phone all of 4 times in the past year, once over Christmas and once New Year's Eve and again yesterday earlier in the day.  We message one another, email, etc., usually... all hours of the night and wee hours of the morning, but not usually voice-to-voice.  It's something I have been wanting for a long time, and spaceman being the self-described hermit that he is, well let's just say he has been slow to warming up. :)  But it doesn't really matter to me over all.  We have such a great relationship already that I have nothing but patience for him.  Anyway, after I got home last night I messaged him and told him I got some really bad news and I really just needed to talk to him. I couldn't type it out this time.

And he did.  He actually said that when we said our good byes while voice chatting earlier in the day that when he said he would like to talk again later in the evening that he had been hoping to talk over the phone and not in chat anyway - which was a huge delight for me to hear that.  I've so wanted to move into this phase and it seems we may just be doing that. <3

So, I put my blue-tooth in and went for a drive around my neighborhood to warm the car up ("feels like" temp was 18F) while spilling my beans.  He listened and spoke and listen and spoke.  The whole experience was new territory for me... to be able to admit when I'm feeling at my worst is one major thing by itself, but to tie so many pieces of my life together in a more coherent narrative for him...  well, it took SO MUCH weight off my shoulders, AND shifted the outcome of my "freakout"... to the point of... well, although I still had this uneasy raging energy flowing inside me, it was subdued, wrangled if I may use that word... It's exactly like, by having shared all this with him, somehow all the additional anxiety I would have felt if I had kept it all in for an indefinite period of time... well not only was that mitigated, I felt lighter and closer to him, having him in such an intimate inner circle with me.  

I have never had this much love and support from any man.  

We made more specific plans for his trip out here in February, half the time in a hotel (for privacy) and half the time here in my home with my kids.  I've told my brother he needs to make himself scarce for the weekend.  We'll see how scarce he actually becomes.  I also told my brother recently that he needed to start thinking about moving out.  I need my home back, for my own sanity, for my own health, for my family.  We need to get the "home" back in this "house". 

The more immediate feeling I have this morning is one of relief.  I know just how badly my emotional state would have been had spaceman not been there to hear me out and be my support last night.  I'm sure it wasn't the conversation he had been anticipating, but he's quite flexible in nature and always wonderful to me.  He, being 11 years older than I am, was able to pull from his own past experiences to help me gain needed perspective.  And where my circumstances have never been his, he was the gentle voice of reason and love that brought me back towards my own center.  And... just being there, voice-to-voice, letting me ramble on in needed distraction, gawd, I just love this man so much.  He's a mirror into myself, and I into him.  Instead of laying awake in an insomniac-stress event last night... after a long very good and important talk with my 16 year old daughter about the fiasco (and about my relationship with spaceman), I, with relative ease, fell asleep.  It wasn't an entirely peaceful sleep, but there was much sleep, the most important feature of... sleep. ;)

This morning I don't feel panic.  I feel a little emptied out, which is good.  Actually, it's no longer "morning" lol - it's 1:45 pm already.  I would like to make it to the gym at some point.  I'll have to look up what time they close and try to make it.  I also want to borrow my son's truck and go to Sears and buy a new humidifier (ours broke).  We are all complaining of dry nasal passages - this being the season of nose-bleeds for my kids who are prone to those sorts of things.  Other than that, I have no plans other than the hope to choose a small project or two around the house and tackle them.  I think I'll marinade some salmon, too.  Yum.

Swimming

“To know Death, to be able to leverage mortality as an impetus to taste life profoundly, is the purpose of life.” 

~A Book On Death

In a way, I am doing this.  All this happiness, all these “finally coming true” happenings are making me hyper aware of my mortality.  It could all be ripped away in a tragic moment, yes?  

I can’t seem to forget that.

Driving down the highway, hyper vigilant and carefree at the same time...  Considering my health, wanting to be in tip top condition so that I last.  Understanding I am beyond the point of no return with him.  If either one of us keels over… there’s a dark potential there and I want to make sure every second is worth every ounce of pain that death will someday bring, because death is inevitable for us all.

“It is only in the awareness of the inevitable nature of Death that you will bite deeper into the fruit of life.” 

~same link as above

That’s just one of the many ways in which the sweetness of the deliverance of my joy is feeding upon itself.  This fire is fuel for my soul.  I’m on fire and smoldering at the same time.  I want to go dance under the fullness of the moon and swim in the sheets, completely lost to the outside world.  This passion I have, it’s wild and free and he will not contain it – instead he fans my flames greedily.  And I, I turn it back towards him, drenching what is already saturated.  I love him and he returns my call.  

Our sweetness will be my undoing.

The Return

How is it possible that this man has returned to me? 

In all reality, he never truly left. 

In May of 2005, we combusted, we broke up.  Or rather, I crashed and burned us to the ground.  We had been flying high together and I took a nose dive andcould not recover.  He, like the gentle angel he is, let me leave.  Let them go, right?  …and all that jazz.  After an incredibly, indelible deep dive into our wildest dreams, we parted ways.

I’m not sure how long it was before we picked communications back up.  I know that I had practically dove right back into the dating life with a friend (and next-door neighbor).  My neighbor (and confidant at time) and I made a go of it after some reluctance on my part.  Yet another patient man, wanting to pick up my pieces.  But in the end, I wanted more and he played the “I do but I don’t game” with me and I cut him off, too.  As wonderful as he was, I came to the depth of his ability to love me at the time and was left wanting.  After that, I was… let’s just say “stale” for a long while. 

And Spaceman was busy jumping into another relationship, too.  His lasted far longer, for 5 years, if I’m not mistaken.  It was a serious relationship full of the kind of love he craved and deserved.  His girlfriend was dreamy and capable and I admired their relationship greatly.

But sometime shortly after my neighbor and I ended it (late 2006?), spaceman and I were again communicating.  We found it in our hearts to try to forgive one another – mostly he forgave me (for I felt I had nothing to forgive him for) and I tried with all my might to figure out why I reacted so poorly in Sedona and be sincere in my apologies.  But mostly, our breakup matured into a wonderful, cherished friendship that lasted, get this… 10 full years! 

And I needed that 10 years, apparently, to undo the misconceptions within myself that caused me to take that nose-dive from him in 2005.  Without getting into the details of that, suffice it to say that I have dealt and continue to deal with my insecurities.

Through the years there were ebbs and flows of his interest in me and mine in him, never really meeting up in time together.  But we wrote, and wrote and wrote.  Boy did we write!  I’m sure I have all the emails to this day, which is pretty amazing.  Sometimes I go back and read through periods of them.  It’s insightful, delightful even.  This man is magical.  He’s a being of light that shines directly at the center of my soul, adding fuel to my higher consciousness.  I am sure there is no other being on this earth who sees me as clearly as he does.  Even just as a friend, he has always been that for me, always. 

This year I got happy.  I mean seriously happy!  It wasn’t even spaceman who did it.  Oh he’s a major source at the moment, but I somehow found this silly joy from music.  The first time I heard Nahko and Medicine for the People, I fell in love with their infectious, spirit-filled music.  I didn’t even know I was consuming medicine when it became the only music I could bare to listen to for months and months and months.  I just knew that by the second or third song, on my long drive to or from work, that I was dependably, raucously happy!  Weeks into it, I began to understand it was something unique, this new found,consistent joy that had invaded all parts of my life.  Things started to go right for once, twice, and a multitude of times.  A couple months into it I woke up in the middle of the night one night, and realized that I had breached the point of no return some time ago – so much so that I knew with all my being that I could NEVER go back to the emotional set-point of life-disappointment and deep depression that had ravaged me for 3-4 years prior (layoff/bankruptcy/anger at the world/lost hope of hope)... I laid there realizing my drastic and effortless return of passion, glory and bliss and promptly broke into deeply healing, racking sobs. 

Somewhere around that time, I also realized my love for spaceman was indelibly more than friendly and supportive.  We began chatting online more and more frequently, growing closer and closer again.  Out of my joy, I found him still standing there, turned toward me, but in his own puddle of a mess.

To be continued…