Last night's story had an alternate ending that was, what feels like to me, thankfully and miraculously avoided. There's no amount of writing it out here that could possibly convey how grateful I am to spaceman for what he did for me last night. I'm in uncharted waters, this relationship navigation stuff, and he is beyond incredible with his support and understanding.
Last night I was delivered some news that sent me into a panic... a familiar panic mode because it has happened twice before and I thought I was done with that period of my life. I'm being purposefully cryptic here, but please suffice it to say that I knew I had to get a grip on my reaction before it ran away with itself... and I was losing the battle.
I was at a friend's house when the news came and I told them what was going on, that I needed to leave, and added that I didn't know how I was going to keep my freak-out from spaceman because I didn't want him to see me this way. Their advice? Don't hide it. If you want more intimacy with him, be completely open about it. It was sage advice.
As open as I can be with people, it isn't easy to be open when your worst fears are triggering. It's definitely complete vulnerability to allow someone to see such things for the first time, live in action. It was terrifying, the situation, more than spilling my beans to him, though. So I went home and asked him to please call me. Mind you, we have spoken on the phone all of 4 times in the past year, once over Christmas and once New Year's Eve and again yesterday earlier in the day. We message one another, email, etc., usually... all hours of the night and wee hours of the morning, but not usually voice-to-voice. It's something I have been wanting for a long time, and spaceman being the self-described hermit that he is, well let's just say he has been slow to warming up. :) But it doesn't really matter to me over all. We have such a great relationship already that I have nothing but patience for him. Anyway, after I got home last night I messaged him and told him I got some really bad news and I really just needed to talk to him. I couldn't type it out this time.
And he did. He actually said that when we said our good byes while voice chatting earlier in the day that when he said he would like to talk again later in the evening that he had been hoping to talk over the phone and not in chat anyway - which was a huge delight for me to hear that. I've so wanted to move into this phase and it seems we may just be doing that. <3
So, I put my blue-tooth in and went for a drive around my neighborhood to warm the car up ("feels like" temp was 18F) while spilling my beans. He listened and spoke and listen and spoke. The whole experience was new territory for me... to be able to admit when I'm feeling at my worst is one major thing by itself, but to tie so many pieces of my life together in a more coherent narrative for him... well, it took SO MUCH weight off my shoulders, AND shifted the outcome of my "freakout"... to the point of... well, although I still had this uneasy raging energy flowing inside me, it was subdued, wrangled if I may use that word... It's exactly like, by having shared all this with him, somehow all the additional anxiety I would have felt if I had kept it all in for an indefinite period of time... well not only was that mitigated, I felt lighter and closer to him, having him in such an intimate inner circle with me.
I have never had this much love and support from any man.
We made more specific plans for his trip out here in February, half the time in a hotel (for privacy) and half the time here in my home with my kids. I've told my brother he needs to make himself scarce for the weekend. We'll see how scarce he actually becomes. I also told my brother recently that he needed to start thinking about moving out. I need my home back, for my own sanity, for my own health, for my family. We need to get the "home" back in this "house".
The more immediate feeling I have this morning is one of relief. I know just how badly my emotional state would have been had spaceman not been there to hear me out and be my support last night. I'm sure it wasn't the conversation he had been anticipating, but he's quite flexible in nature and always wonderful to me. He, being 11 years older than I am, was able to pull from his own past experiences to help me gain needed perspective. And where my circumstances have never been his, he was the gentle voice of reason and love that brought me back towards my own center. And... just being there, voice-to-voice, letting me ramble on in needed distraction, gawd, I just love this man so much. He's a mirror into myself, and I into him. Instead of laying awake in an insomniac-stress event last night... after a long very good and important talk with my 16 year old daughter about the fiasco (and about my relationship with spaceman), I, with relative ease, fell asleep. It wasn't an entirely peaceful sleep, but there was much sleep, the most important feature of... sleep. ;)
This morning I don't feel panic. I feel a little emptied out, which is good. Actually, it's no longer "morning" lol - it's 1:45 pm already. I would like to make it to the gym at some point. I'll have to look up what time they close and try to make it. I also want to borrow my son's truck and go to Sears and buy a new humidifier (ours broke). We are all complaining of dry nasal passages - this being the season of nose-bleeds for my kids who are prone to those sorts of things. Other than that, I have no plans other than the hope to choose a small project or two around the house and tackle them. I think I'll marinade some salmon, too. Yum.
