The Future?

Synchronicities abound.

Spaceman accidentally added a link to our chat window last night, it was an article "Inside the Tiny Home Movement".  I didn't actually read it, because he immediately told me it was an accidental link. 

spaceman: oh DAMN...it is actually about the tiny home movement!...now that is freakin wierd

But I did click over and see the title, which reminded me... I started a list of "Things to Do with [spaceman] in February".  On the top of that list is, drum roll....

Watch "Life Off Grid" together https://vimeo.com/ondemand/lifeoffgrid/139603120

After watching the trailer, he said to me 

THIS gets my blood pumping....this is exactly what I have envisioned for some time now...exaactly

we NEED to watch that one together....I am just so blown away that my vision hasn't scared you off

I mean....to me...living simply...doesn't mean living in "poverty"...it means self-sustainability...and that can include a rich...ornate...lovely home....one that doesn't have to suck the life out of us by worrying about paying for it all of the time!

see I am not talking about a shack...I am talking....rich wood....granite countertops....state of the art appliances...solar power...hey I am a cancerian....I rich beautiful home os important to me 

I know you are a city girl....but I love you....and I can adopt some of your ways...and you could adopt some of mine? 

Yessss, a sustainable home is both our dreams.  We have so much in common, all over again. <3  And me being a city girl?  That's more like a suburbanite, although I do traipse all over the greater city to "play".  Seriously, all I need is internet, at least occasional internet.  I LOVE the country.  My younger sister lives on a farm and that place is just heaven to me.  

spaceman: I am not a died in the wool country music buff,,,some of it is so twangy and just stupid....but some of it resonates with me...I thought you might like this one

spaceman: think you and I could make roots somewhere like that some day?

Swimming

“To know Death, to be able to leverage mortality as an impetus to taste life profoundly, is the purpose of life.” 

~A Book On Death

In a way, I am doing this.  All this happiness, all these “finally coming true” happenings are making me hyper aware of my mortality.  It could all be ripped away in a tragic moment, yes?  

I can’t seem to forget that.

Driving down the highway, hyper vigilant and carefree at the same time...  Considering my health, wanting to be in tip top condition so that I last.  Understanding I am beyond the point of no return with him.  If either one of us keels over… there’s a dark potential there and I want to make sure every second is worth every ounce of pain that death will someday bring, because death is inevitable for us all.

“It is only in the awareness of the inevitable nature of Death that you will bite deeper into the fruit of life.” 

~same link as above

That’s just one of the many ways in which the sweetness of the deliverance of my joy is feeding upon itself.  This fire is fuel for my soul.  I’m on fire and smoldering at the same time.  I want to go dance under the fullness of the moon and swim in the sheets, completely lost to the outside world.  This passion I have, it’s wild and free and he will not contain it – instead he fans my flames greedily.  And I, I turn it back towards him, drenching what is already saturated.  I love him and he returns my call.  

Our sweetness will be my undoing.

The Return

How is it possible that this man has returned to me? 

In all reality, he never truly left. 

In May of 2005, we combusted, we broke up.  Or rather, I crashed and burned us to the ground.  We had been flying high together and I took a nose dive andcould not recover.  He, like the gentle angel he is, let me leave.  Let them go, right?  …and all that jazz.  After an incredibly, indelible deep dive into our wildest dreams, we parted ways.

I’m not sure how long it was before we picked communications back up.  I know that I had practically dove right back into the dating life with a friend (and next-door neighbor).  My neighbor (and confidant at time) and I made a go of it after some reluctance on my part.  Yet another patient man, wanting to pick up my pieces.  But in the end, I wanted more and he played the “I do but I don’t game” with me and I cut him off, too.  As wonderful as he was, I came to the depth of his ability to love me at the time and was left wanting.  After that, I was… let’s just say “stale” for a long while. 

And Spaceman was busy jumping into another relationship, too.  His lasted far longer, for 5 years, if I’m not mistaken.  It was a serious relationship full of the kind of love he craved and deserved.  His girlfriend was dreamy and capable and I admired their relationship greatly.

But sometime shortly after my neighbor and I ended it (late 2006?), spaceman and I were again communicating.  We found it in our hearts to try to forgive one another – mostly he forgave me (for I felt I had nothing to forgive him for) and I tried with all my might to figure out why I reacted so poorly in Sedona and be sincere in my apologies.  But mostly, our breakup matured into a wonderful, cherished friendship that lasted, get this… 10 full years! 

And I needed that 10 years, apparently, to undo the misconceptions within myself that caused me to take that nose-dive from him in 2005.  Without getting into the details of that, suffice it to say that I have dealt and continue to deal with my insecurities.

Through the years there were ebbs and flows of his interest in me and mine in him, never really meeting up in time together.  But we wrote, and wrote and wrote.  Boy did we write!  I’m sure I have all the emails to this day, which is pretty amazing.  Sometimes I go back and read through periods of them.  It’s insightful, delightful even.  This man is magical.  He’s a being of light that shines directly at the center of my soul, adding fuel to my higher consciousness.  I am sure there is no other being on this earth who sees me as clearly as he does.  Even just as a friend, he has always been that for me, always. 

This year I got happy.  I mean seriously happy!  It wasn’t even spaceman who did it.  Oh he’s a major source at the moment, but I somehow found this silly joy from music.  The first time I heard Nahko and Medicine for the People, I fell in love with their infectious, spirit-filled music.  I didn’t even know I was consuming medicine when it became the only music I could bare to listen to for months and months and months.  I just knew that by the second or third song, on my long drive to or from work, that I was dependably, raucously happy!  Weeks into it, I began to understand it was something unique, this new found,consistent joy that had invaded all parts of my life.  Things started to go right for once, twice, and a multitude of times.  A couple months into it I woke up in the middle of the night one night, and realized that I had breached the point of no return some time ago – so much so that I knew with all my being that I could NEVER go back to the emotional set-point of life-disappointment and deep depression that had ravaged me for 3-4 years prior (layoff/bankruptcy/anger at the world/lost hope of hope)... I laid there realizing my drastic and effortless return of passion, glory and bliss and promptly broke into deeply healing, racking sobs. 

Somewhere around that time, I also realized my love for spaceman was indelibly more than friendly and supportive.  We began chatting online more and more frequently, growing closer and closer again.  Out of my joy, I found him still standing there, turned toward me, but in his own puddle of a mess.

To be continued…