I have come to the conclusion that my kids really do love me. Seriously, I just had to shoo one away just so I could write this blog. And...... she's back, telling me about how she "accidentally started bawling" during this one Parenthood episode. Yes, we talk about it all. My kids even ask for life advice from time to time. But mostly, and I mean RELENTLESSLY (no exaggeration) they annoy me to tears of laughter. And they enjoy it, gang up on me, gang up on one another... sometimes I gang up on them in an epic out-smart. Yes, I love those. :D
Anyway, I think they love me. At a time in a teenager's life when they are most likely to rebel and certainly not seek out a parents advice and confidance.... yes, I am very lucky. I don't know how I did it, but these two are funny, annoying, honest, and increasingly self-aware. I love them with every piece of me. But yes... yes I look forward to exploring a life of my own in my empty nest years.
But that's not here nor there at the moment. I will take life as it comes and live it to the best of my ability until the universe orchestrates the most succinct syncronicities so that I know with my heart where to place my next step.
Of course I do have some preferences... I'll call them "preferences" but in all reality they are choices. Through trial and error I have come to know myself. While that is not always easy to convey (it's super hard and super easy at the same time), I do know in my own heart the kind of person I really am and aim to be. Only I know myself best. Only you know yourself best. And recently I made a decision and I chose spaceman. I said, no matter what the universe can throw at us, we still have the option of decidedly deciding something and manifesting it. And I chose spaceman. Granted, we were already in frequent contact by then, but he wasn't exactly in the best place to receive that kind of attention. We all go through some serious shit when we experience true loss. He lost his brother, suddenly and intensely. I came on the scene again while he was admid that loss. I can't imagine that kind of loss and it scares the begeebees out of me thinking of my own siblings. It's one of those emotions that can overwhelm me almost every time if I think of it. I can't imagine his suffering. But we reconnected in a much stronger way anyway. Sometimes timing can be a god-send. Sometimes it can feel, an antagonist.
Right now things feel worrisomeless (a new word, just for you). I feel calm and connected and peaceful and desiring and optimistic. This is so unlike me when I'm in a relationship. And yet, it's not. It's me and how I relate to myself. It might not be me and how I relate with other as much, but it's still me. And has certainly been more and more my modus operande for a few years now. Lately, it's all of it. I feel all kinds of soul growth and spaceman is a big part of that. That's the kind of relationship we want. We are both capable otf going with the flow, and yet we are both strong enough to say what we really want or need... honesty. Plus we have a bunch of other stuff in common......
Anyway, life feels in a certain range of flux lately. I have kids with increasingly adult problems to discuss and learn to manage, a brother who I need to deal with to get him off and back out on his own again, and a relationship founded in long-term cherishing and admiration. And yet, he's there and I'm here... and so there is a state of flux that has settled in, into comfort. It wasn't what I would have preferred, but it is what it needs to be for now. I had been worried about these things in the beginning. I worried how I would handle a long-term long-distance relationship.... anything over a year feels like long-term to me. And I don't even know if that is short-sighted as well. I really do not know anything for sure except that I want to be with him. And I have no problem saying that here, publicly, where anyone, including him, can read it. He knows all this already. I have made my decision clear at every stage since. At one point, that even meant accepting defeat and a sub-par dream. But I couldn't stay away and when I sought him out again, he had had a change of heart. It's been falling up all over again.
