Spaceman reads my blog posts. I keep telling him he can comment, but like most, he simply lurks. It's all cool; he "comments" to me over the phone or in chat (FB Messenger). We will spend hours meandering across untold related and not-so-related subjects. It's fascinating all these conversations we continue to have day in and day out.
I jested about the possibility, after full disclosure happens, of one day getting my hands on all our NSA-recorded phone conversations, so I can transcribe some. There could very well be a book in there somewhere. lol
But... well, I'm pretty sure we will always be deep into something or another and therefore no need to pine for any one particular outcome of our time together (such as becoming an author). We could get into many things! One thing we have majorly in common is gardening... simple but not so simple gardening. I'm more the simple type. He's... well he's more the prepper type! When he moves here, he's bringing some of his "stores" of canned food. By that I mean stuff he grew organically and canned himself.
My suburban back yard is not exactly up to the task of continually supplying that amount of produce to can and rotate into our diet. Perhaps then, the CSA will remain in our lives. That's another thing we haven't discussed yet. Will we supplement with the CSA produce still? I do want to make some improvements to the gardening situation here...
Sometimes I dream of having a little local CSA-like produce venture with him. I'm not sure yet, though, how "into it" I really am. I mean, ideally, I know I am 100% on board with grow-our-own-food efforts, but I don't know... well a lot of things... A) I want to get totally debt free B) I want to live on farmable land! C) we don't know what direction or form our joined aspirations will take. But we feel a little farming, or big gardening, is definitely in the works. A big operation has too many questions associated with it just yet, so we will only bite off what we can chew for now. Our focus will be elsewhere at first.
The first few years will be us tidying up things here... getting my kids into full-blown adulthood and on their own and generally doing whatever is needed to be ready to step into our next phase of life together... doing the things we want to do with our lives, whatever that may end up being. Then we will move and go full blown into that.
It's exciting to have a partner with common aspirations. We will make a good team together. I'm a team player, he's someone I can put my good faith and trust in. His ideas are good ones, ones I can get behind. I don't need to lead, and after being a single mom for 17 years... I'm kinda ready to join forces, accept help, be open to a supportive relationship with someone else, to being a co-creator rather than the sole decision-maker of my family. I can do this with him (which is hard for this independent, strong-minded girl) because I have the utmost respect for his ideas, methods, ethics, tactics, and wisdom (just a few items from his long list of admirable traits).
I am seriously the luckiest girl on this planet, maybe beyond. I don't cite, word-for-word some of the truly humbling and wonderful words he says to me, because, for one, it's mostly verbal these days instead of written (which is why I want the NSA recordings! lol) and I'm not very good at word-for-word recall. Instead, all you get is all my gushing, and not much of his perspective or input in this.
In a way, it doesn't matter because it's an impossible task... to relay the depth, the intricacies of our complimentariness. New word. ;) I do wish, however, that everyone could experience this at some point in their lives. And therefore, there *is* this desire to attempt to explain from time to time. It always falls short. *shrugs*
Enough blabbering, back to work for me!
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Sunday, August 28, 2016
The Undertow
We're down to four weeks out..
In 4 weeks we will wake up as life companions.
There's something huge and pulling about that... pulling, like the sea waves returning in the void, back towards the sea, the next wave forming.
It's like the calm of the hurricane eye or the bow drawing back just before being launched. It's a gentle tug calling you back, causing pause to look around, consider what's come before... before what comes, appears. Stopping to look around, taking in the scenery, understanding the depth, significance and potential.
And feeling the presence of the unknown becoming more dominant, allowing that sense of walking on floating ice and reaching for thoughts that soothe the mind into adjusting to the new norm. The body will feel all that soon enough. After that, you're back into the storm, riding that wave to wherever it rolls up onto the land... into the earth, onto stabilizing ground.
Something about this big event is scary to me. It's certainly far beyond any relationship commitment I've given, at least not since my divorce 16 years ago. And it doesn't matter that divorce has become commonplace; its effects still leave scars in the hopeful hearts of the young and idealistic. When the very definition of commitment somehow is wrenched apart from the experience of marriage... well, it's quite like Humpty-Dumpty and cannot be put back together again... at least not in the same innocent way as before.
And I know that this is not marriage that I'm stepping into, but it's certainly everything that comes along with it, minus that legal declaration. We are joining lives together with the full intention of living out the rest of our days together. There will be no celebration, like occurs with a marriage. In that sense, the world will not recognize our union in every way. But sheesh... have you really seen the world lately??? I mean there are "truths" within truths, falsities within shielded realities, and he and I live within knowledge we must pretend doesn't exist. But within our connection is a bond greater than any society could recognize and declare. So to me, this is when we join together as one. This is when we exercise daily, having one another's backs. This is when our hearts mend in a way that is both unintended and natural in result, because we were both happy enough on our own. But together... together we realize a magnetism that puts the other first and thus unintentionally and naturally heals rifts and scales ridges that our first marriages never could have.
And so the water races backwards, the bow pulls taught, the wave fluxes opposite, and we are setting up to go where we haven't yet been before.
And I'm looking for the examples, the role models, the guideposts. Because, I don't intend to mess this up. I feel there is a serious change forthcoming, a basic mode of operation, for me. Watching him navigate through his world is an inspiration to me. He is the most compassionate, insightful, driven, loving, service-to-others man I have ever known. And the fact that he is so all-encompassing in that AND he's truly happy while going about it all... well, he's definitely an every day yogi to me. And I aspire to more of that. I aspire to do what's needed with such little resistance, with joy in my heart. Being the passionate, self-indulgent type, I envy his selflessness. And I see that in his perspective, he's being selfish in that doing all those things makes him feel good.
And that's just one way in which I admire this man. He calls himself a country hillbilly, and that he is. He grew up playing all day on the wooded mountain where his family home sits, built into the side. A stream flows straight downhill just feet from the house. Looking out from standing on the front porch, the neighbor's two-story house across the street is all below the elevation of the porch. Sitting out back on that porch, the mountain looms steeply above any view of the sky. It's a canopy of nature. This past week he was sitting out back shooting off a 20 gauge or some such gun to scare the crows away from the corn in his garden. Granted, that's not an everyday occurrence. But if somebody shot off any kind of gun in my neighborhood there would likely not only soon be police, but charges filed. And to him, I am a city girl. Only, I "have country in my heart" and he's lived in bigger cities than I ever have. We're flexible. Most of all, we're compatible.
And he loves me for who I am, not despite it.
That was my number one condition for future relationships, something I decided with the utmost conviction after my separation and divorce so long ago. It's also why I broke up with R when that was hot and heavy. He hid his born-again christian life and beliefs from me and it ripped my heart out when I realized how sincerely he had been trying not to judge me, because... ultimately, he saw me as a fascinating soul who was testing his faith. As soon as I found out, I reluctantly broke things off with him and that meant my own heart was broken as well. I needed to be loved for who I am, not despite it.
And then there was Jeff. He wanted me to "always stay just the way you are". My heart sank at that comment, offered so sweetly, so sincerely, and yet... so soul-crushingly. "Just the way I am" is something he could not conceive. And yet I loved him already by then, too. When little things to me became big things for him, I knew it was time to cut our ties. Doing such a thing is not easy. It may be the "right action" but it hurts to break bonds like that, even if I am the one to initiate it. But time has also proven it out. Although he was a super insightful, powerfully positive influence in the lives of those he loved, he was not the one for me either. In the end, I screamed into pillows and bled until it slowly stopped hurting again.
There were others. They didn't last as long or burn as bright, though I loved them in the flavor of each of them. And that's just it. I always loved them to their level of loving me, but I never got to love them to my own, as purely myself. Hell, my Self was still trying to pop fully through!
And that's why back then, between R and Jeff, when I met spaceman, not only was *I* not ready enough back then for what we had in store with each other... neither was he. We look back on it now and see all the trip wires laying about and laugh at our former selves for all the shit we psychologically rained upon ourselves through guilt or rougher personality traits we would have had no real chance of reigning in even if someone had spelled it out for us back then. And the thing is, neither of us ever blamed the other for our undoing. We each walked away with the utmost admiration for the other, not to mention a few traits and qualities to work upon, each on our own.
Yes, there was a quiet period, a period of radio silence, if I may use that analogy. There were also other relationships we each happened upon and jumped into. For him, it was a love grand enough to jump into, in a way we had once envisioned for ourselves. For me, it was far less successful, and yet, love Jeff, I did. In time though, one of us (spaceman or I) reached out to the other and our letters simply did not stop. There were lullls through the years, but there was so much cherishing of one another's friendship in those letters. Lifetimes could have gone by and we would still have picked up just where we had left off.
There is a grand sense that Spaceman has always been with me since the time we met. And soon we will be together-together, instead of together-apart. This long-distance thing moves, after 11+ years, into the realm of every day, day-t-to-day, hour-to-hour existence. And I can't wait. In some ways, this eye of the storm, this bow pulling back, this particle riding a wave, is slowing time annoyingly. But at the same time, I'm using the pause for framing. This pause is not in effort to check to see if I need to run (I don't, wouldn't, perhaps couldn't), it's to look around and appreciate. It's also to recognize there will always be uncertainty in the face of the unknown, especially if we focus just on the unknown. But by looking at the known, too, I know, for instance, that spaceman loves me like like no other, and he has proven it consistently over and over and over through all these long years. My fairy tale is coming true. And I cannot even begin to express to you how truly amazing that feels.
In 4 weeks we will wake up as life companions.
There's something huge and pulling about that... pulling, like the sea waves returning in the void, back towards the sea, the next wave forming.
It's like the calm of the hurricane eye or the bow drawing back just before being launched. It's a gentle tug calling you back, causing pause to look around, consider what's come before... before what comes, appears. Stopping to look around, taking in the scenery, understanding the depth, significance and potential.
And feeling the presence of the unknown becoming more dominant, allowing that sense of walking on floating ice and reaching for thoughts that soothe the mind into adjusting to the new norm. The body will feel all that soon enough. After that, you're back into the storm, riding that wave to wherever it rolls up onto the land... into the earth, onto stabilizing ground.
Something about this big event is scary to me. It's certainly far beyond any relationship commitment I've given, at least not since my divorce 16 years ago. And it doesn't matter that divorce has become commonplace; its effects still leave scars in the hopeful hearts of the young and idealistic. When the very definition of commitment somehow is wrenched apart from the experience of marriage... well, it's quite like Humpty-Dumpty and cannot be put back together again... at least not in the same innocent way as before.
And I know that this is not marriage that I'm stepping into, but it's certainly everything that comes along with it, minus that legal declaration. We are joining lives together with the full intention of living out the rest of our days together. There will be no celebration, like occurs with a marriage. In that sense, the world will not recognize our union in every way. But sheesh... have you really seen the world lately??? I mean there are "truths" within truths, falsities within shielded realities, and he and I live within knowledge we must pretend doesn't exist. But within our connection is a bond greater than any society could recognize and declare. So to me, this is when we join together as one. This is when we exercise daily, having one another's backs. This is when our hearts mend in a way that is both unintended and natural in result, because we were both happy enough on our own. But together... together we realize a magnetism that puts the other first and thus unintentionally and naturally heals rifts and scales ridges that our first marriages never could have.
And so the water races backwards, the bow pulls taught, the wave fluxes opposite, and we are setting up to go where we haven't yet been before.
And I'm looking for the examples, the role models, the guideposts. Because, I don't intend to mess this up. I feel there is a serious change forthcoming, a basic mode of operation, for me. Watching him navigate through his world is an inspiration to me. He is the most compassionate, insightful, driven, loving, service-to-others man I have ever known. And the fact that he is so all-encompassing in that AND he's truly happy while going about it all... well, he's definitely an every day yogi to me. And I aspire to more of that. I aspire to do what's needed with such little resistance, with joy in my heart. Being the passionate, self-indulgent type, I envy his selflessness. And I see that in his perspective, he's being selfish in that doing all those things makes him feel good.
And that's just one way in which I admire this man. He calls himself a country hillbilly, and that he is. He grew up playing all day on the wooded mountain where his family home sits, built into the side. A stream flows straight downhill just feet from the house. Looking out from standing on the front porch, the neighbor's two-story house across the street is all below the elevation of the porch. Sitting out back on that porch, the mountain looms steeply above any view of the sky. It's a canopy of nature. This past week he was sitting out back shooting off a 20 gauge or some such gun to scare the crows away from the corn in his garden. Granted, that's not an everyday occurrence. But if somebody shot off any kind of gun in my neighborhood there would likely not only soon be police, but charges filed. And to him, I am a city girl. Only, I "have country in my heart" and he's lived in bigger cities than I ever have. We're flexible. Most of all, we're compatible.
And he loves me for who I am, not despite it.
That was my number one condition for future relationships, something I decided with the utmost conviction after my separation and divorce so long ago. It's also why I broke up with R when that was hot and heavy. He hid his born-again christian life and beliefs from me and it ripped my heart out when I realized how sincerely he had been trying not to judge me, because... ultimately, he saw me as a fascinating soul who was testing his faith. As soon as I found out, I reluctantly broke things off with him and that meant my own heart was broken as well. I needed to be loved for who I am, not despite it.
And then there was Jeff. He wanted me to "always stay just the way you are". My heart sank at that comment, offered so sweetly, so sincerely, and yet... so soul-crushingly. "Just the way I am" is something he could not conceive. And yet I loved him already by then, too. When little things to me became big things for him, I knew it was time to cut our ties. Doing such a thing is not easy. It may be the "right action" but it hurts to break bonds like that, even if I am the one to initiate it. But time has also proven it out. Although he was a super insightful, powerfully positive influence in the lives of those he loved, he was not the one for me either. In the end, I screamed into pillows and bled until it slowly stopped hurting again.
There were others. They didn't last as long or burn as bright, though I loved them in the flavor of each of them. And that's just it. I always loved them to their level of loving me, but I never got to love them to my own, as purely myself. Hell, my Self was still trying to pop fully through!
And that's why back then, between R and Jeff, when I met spaceman, not only was *I* not ready enough back then for what we had in store with each other... neither was he. We look back on it now and see all the trip wires laying about and laugh at our former selves for all the shit we psychologically rained upon ourselves through guilt or rougher personality traits we would have had no real chance of reigning in even if someone had spelled it out for us back then. And the thing is, neither of us ever blamed the other for our undoing. We each walked away with the utmost admiration for the other, not to mention a few traits and qualities to work upon, each on our own.
Yes, there was a quiet period, a period of radio silence, if I may use that analogy. There were also other relationships we each happened upon and jumped into. For him, it was a love grand enough to jump into, in a way we had once envisioned for ourselves. For me, it was far less successful, and yet, love Jeff, I did. In time though, one of us (spaceman or I) reached out to the other and our letters simply did not stop. There were lullls through the years, but there was so much cherishing of one another's friendship in those letters. Lifetimes could have gone by and we would still have picked up just where we had left off.
There is a grand sense that Spaceman has always been with me since the time we met. And soon we will be together-together, instead of together-apart. This long-distance thing moves, after 11+ years, into the realm of every day, day-t-to-day, hour-to-hour existence. And I can't wait. In some ways, this eye of the storm, this bow pulling back, this particle riding a wave, is slowing time annoyingly. But at the same time, I'm using the pause for framing. This pause is not in effort to check to see if I need to run (I don't, wouldn't, perhaps couldn't), it's to look around and appreciate. It's also to recognize there will always be uncertainty in the face of the unknown, especially if we focus just on the unknown. But by looking at the known, too, I know, for instance, that spaceman loves me like like no other, and he has proven it consistently over and over and over through all these long years. My fairy tale is coming true. And I cannot even begin to express to you how truly amazing that feels.
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