He's Both of That

On the way home from my older sister house this evening, I was really appreciating the music from Xavier Rudd.  Low tech digeridoo music first got my attention when I was big time into the band Gaelic Storm.  I had a little crush on the guy who played it, too.  Somewhere there's of picture of him posing for the camera while offering a kiss on my cheek.  Later I heard he had quit the band.  I think he was really missing his family life back home.  But I digress.  I also have the cutest picture of the lead singer and I.  He's got such puppy dog eyes. (double digress?  let's triple it...) It's funny to think of people touring like that, becoming a surrogate family.  I bet that could be really difficult to get used to, to constantly wander even when you eventually feel like putting down roots.  Roots can be so good.  They can also suck ass like my [family member] does right now.  (No, not my brother.)  But that may be a blog for another day.

This digeridoo music, you have to hear it...  Seriously, give it a minute or two, put headphones on if you can.  Go for it. I'll wait:




Like it?  I have many such non-lyrical songs I used to buy in my CD-buying years.  I still use CDs in my 2001 car, but those I burn myself.  It used to be every few months I go through the top 200 songs of the day and create a CD to listen to during my long drives to and from work each workday.   Music is one of my great joys, just to listen and let the music play me.  Low tech, kind of techno, add some spiritual elements and lyrics... I love that.
And so it was, I was enjoying my tunes and yet thinking back across my day, a stressful day... one I will remember for the rest of my life... but also one in which spaceman was there to hear me fumble while dealing with a super strong physical-emotional gut-instinct kind of 180-degree decison-rendering day.  Yeah, I didn't really know how else to write that sentence and still get close to describing how I felt.  You have to say it with stress and with a cadence.  
Do you ever get an instinctual feeling that overtakes you physically?  I've had plenty of instinctual feelings that have affected me to varying degrees emotionally (empathetic), but it's been rare when I have been over-taken in a physical response that elicits the emotion like an electromagnetical current seeking it's matching end... pulling from the inside out.  Those happen out of sheer force of emotion.  And today, for the first time, I woke up like that... and even though I had been fighting the flu the day before, I instantly knew this did not stem from any flu.  
I was not happy with my decision on how to handle a certain family situation.  I felt like I had made the wrong decision, but the other stance was also not a viable option and I just couldn't remain as status quo.  I could not find the wise answer; the wisdom in me kept finding giant gaping worries in my decisions.  And since I had woken up early after having slept so much the day before, I decided to do a tarot reading on it before work... the second one before work this week, on the same subject.  It's been a looong week, trying to figure this one out.  And today my gut told me I had better rethink it, only I couldn't figure out the message that was being conveyed to me.  As an empath, the messages come in the form of feelings.  Normally, they are more assurances than a blazing fire alarm.  Today was a 5-alarm fire.
The reading didn't tell me enough, not enough to know what my gut was trying to tell me.  Some clues, yes, but other cards just were far more positive than I could relate with...  so either I misinterpreted something vital in the reading, or there is some direct good that is going to come out of this.  I'm having a hard time believing the intended good will grow like a seed into a tree.  My decision was one of lifetime-long significance, no matter the outcome.  I was declaring my side, forced into making a decision by my own conscience.  And because my conscience was so severely bothering me, I did eventually understand the content of my emotion.  It had chimed up once before earlier in the week... in fact, that was why I was contemplating this all week.  But I had to make sure I wasn't being coerced, from any direction.  I needed to look within for my own answers.  
Tarot reading tossed aside, I made it off to work, in a gloomy mood.  About an hour after I arrived, spaceman chimed through messenger.  He is also an empath, and knowing he feels in a similiar kind of way at times, well... we have always told each other our feelings, always.  So, I let loose, trying to explain my morning.  We had talked about it at least once earlier in the week, I'm sure.  Only now I was in serious distress.  He listens to everything I say and digests it as food.  He tells me how much it means to him that I share with him so intimately.  It's the kind of connection he's craved.  And I have craved it, too.  I'm just being myself, and him his-self, and together we support one another, as we have each dreamed of having in a relationship.
He did not tell me what to do.  That would have been easy, I'm sure.  No.  He wants to support me in whatever I decide.  But boy did he listen!  Sometimes I worry if I should feel bad for him, dealing with me. lol  It was one such thought that came to me as I was driving home in the car tonight, mingling emotional rides on Xavier Rudd music with thoughts of today's craziness.
Do you really like listening to my crazy day or are you just being supportive?  You do both actually... you do both. So sweet <3
He was there for me...  again.   I love this man; I truly do.  

A Big Decision Looming

Well I was going to write about my crappy week with my crappy dental experience (shit happens, I love my dentist).  But it seems there is something bigger to ponder, family drama that has gone on too long and too painfully.  I have remained neutral throughout this situation, hoping that in due time it will work itself out.  But after so many attempts by one party to try to repair the break, the other party is stubbornly refusing to budge even after receiving the efforts that have been requested.  I get that there were issues on both sides of the fence. I get that it's complicated.  But there comes a point when one party's suffering is so great that I feel compelled to step in.  I have long since been both parties confidant in these matters, so I have the benefit of both sides of the story.  Both know I have both sides.  And yes, it is tough to be in the middle like that, but truly, this is not a pain for me.  

There have been times in my life when I have remained silent until a breaking point comes... and I never know when that point will hit... but sometimes those points occur.  When the situation tilts grossly unfairly, I sense this convalescing of moments that invoke me to take a stand.  It happened once with my older sister's marriage (sleezy (ex)husband).  It happened once with a neighbor and friend's so called friend, whom I had to report to the police for child abuse and sexual abuse suspicions.  And it seems to be happening again... both parties I'm related to, both parties I love with my whole being.  But sometimes gross disparities occur, of which someone is not remotely attempting to correct.  Sometimes it is necessary to intervene, because not doing so is severely compounding the pain of the injured party.  Sometimes people get so distraught, they ask for and need intervention.  I have purposefully not taken sides for well over a year.  I don't want to see either party hurting, but I cannot sit back and let the actions of the one destroy the other, either.  Not when so many efforts have been made to rectify it, all outright rejected no matter how much they said they wanted or needed those efforts.  

I have a great deal of thinking to do before Saturday.  

*Gawd I miss protected posting in xanga, because then I would spell out the whole situation and get your informed advice. *sigh*

And in case you're wondering, this has nothing to do with my brother.  Although as a side note, I did leave him a note on his bed this morning, asking him to come up with a date he feels he can be out by.  I ask nicely the first time.  With no action on that front, I will set the date myself.  But... we'll see.