Maybe a handful of you, at best, read that last post. No one commented, but at least someone out there read what I wrote.
Tonight I am pondering other things. Things like... seeing myself... in spaceman. Having met so clearly a reflection of transpositions along a myriad of faucets of personality, points of view, spirituality, and struggles... he shows me to myself, who else could do that so well but someone who is cut of the same cloth. And yet this person different enough... he's from a different sub-culture and we have a significant difference in age.... though I don't feel the age difference, except in music and tv references he'll make from time to time. I'll say, "I've heard of it but I can't place it". And he invariably says "nevermind, I'm old". I think he must feel the age difference more than I do. But we both feel the connection equally, we both know how lucky we have it in one another.
Spaceman is my twin flame. I didn't know what that meant until we came back together the second time. In the past I would scoff at the use of the term, not understanding how it is not the same thing as saying "soulmate". I'd long determined I'd had more than one soulmate in my life, including a platonic friendship or two. My experience led me to reluctantly believe that I'd either messed up my chance at true and lasting love, or just wasn't slated for it this time around. Though by then I had had a serious taste of what it could be like. It was all for naught though, I'd given up expecting what I wanted and was just trying to find companionship without the love that I felt calling me from my very being. My whole life had been "to find the one"and I was no longer looking for "the one".
It's like when they tell you "oh, you'll find him just as soon as you quit looking" (that always irritated me!)... and you think to yourself, "yeah, sure, I'll just quit wanting it right here and right now" (sarcasm) because you know you can no more let that dream go than not exist in the next moment. It's part of who I was, this calling to find my love.
And I found him and I sent him away!!! haha (long story)
That, too, by the way is a common experience with twin flames. It's said one or the other of the twins is the runner and the other is the chaser. I was the runner back then. But it wasn't easy to run. Ultimately what sent me running was a bit of energetic interference that must have been designed to draw attention to those things that needed transformation in our lives... that kind of transformative energy came from when we were in Sedona, AZ together and significant time in the shadow of the Cathedral Rock Vortex.
Years later he moved to Sedona and lived there for 2 years or so. I remember it well... well enough, anyway, from the perspective of his pen pal of sorts... a pen pal he was still very much in love with. A girl knows these things, yes, but she really knows it when he tells her. ;) Authenticity has a certain resonance to it when you sense it. Spaceman is the most honest and inwardly reflecting man I've ever known. He says he's all cancer-y water like, and he'd be right, but he's also infused with such a distinct insight ability, which I always considered to be thought-based, not as much emotion-based. Regardless, however he came by it, he came to similar insights and conclusions as I have come to about life, and how and why it works the way it does. It feels as if we've come together in a co-creative, predestined kind of way. I'm sure it must sound like flights of fancy, but some things are true whether you believe them or not. just because you exist as the center of your experience doesn't mean I also don't exist at the center of my experience, therefore everyone's experience is creating reality... it draws down into us like magnets for logos building material. threads of probabilities crackle and jump like elecromagnet jolts of tunneled light, like portals between planets and stars...
Spaceman is HIM. He's that person I came here to meet and go through life together like we are... like we are, at this time, on this timeline, and for a specific reason. We are not alone, there are many of us starseeds out there, and I would venture to guess that most are like he and I... still working out varying degrees of 1) our awareness of what's going on in the world and 2) our purpose within it. A few are confident of details. We are not, most are probably not. This is a whirlwind experience, but one I wouldn't trade for anything.
It's like we are barreling down through a portal tunnel of light where it's stretched we're all having a bit of a rough ride of it, especially those who are becoming aware through it, those who are awakening or awake. For the others, things may seem crazier but they still won't question it. Those folks may not notice as much difference, because their awareness is hijacked. But starseeds and a great deal of others as well, are waking up. We're all in different stages of that, but it's happening more rapidly. The negative is getting magnified but so is the positive. But no one individual, of those who are polarized towards one end or the other, is having an easy time of it lately. There is struggle and turmoil in some form or another for each of us.
Spaceman and I are no exception.
Our perspectives, our roles are not the same, but there is a certain challenge in our lives together that cannot easily be remedied. I don't know if he would be okay with me spilling it here, especially without warning, so I will simply tell you that it's a physical/emotional/mental/spiritual kind of challenge that both the not the dealing with it and the dealing with it has each threatened to take our relationship... and yet neither of us wants that, we want more to work things through, and we are doing just that and succeeding. And despite sometimes feeling setbacks, there is no way we cannot feel the authentic truth that resonates between us, that we belong together. we are home with one another, home is being with the other. it's childhood character building, common off-the-wall experience, a relentlessly endless stream of never running out of things to talk about. It's wading quietly in a swift moving river, the cold water closing on the pants of your waders but never freezing you out. It's the clear cold water where you can see until the water turns icy blue and too dark to make anything out. (don't step there!) It's looking up and seeing a hawk on the telephone wire then swooping down into the brush to get his song bird. he did. It's working hard shoving and shoveling mulch out of a borrowed pickup truck and being exhausted from the day's work. It's also a lot of other things, too.
Out of privacy, I withhold. But let me reassure you that this man is the most amazing gentleman I've ever met. <3 He's shown me what it means to truly love someone, to truly be loved by someone. When I am hurting, he's listening and working through things to meet me somewhere along the middle. Every morning he gets up early to make me breakfast, clean off the car and warm it up for me. And every evening he's made dinner for us while being conscious of each of our food sensitivities. He's torn off the and side of my shed, fixed it with new wood, and repainted it. My 10 x 10 little garden is now 20 x 30'! And it has a french drain under it, well.. mostly. heh :) It's a work in progress. ;) We have common aspirations. We love to grow organically. We want to live where we can have a small farm and live more surrounded by nature than the suburbs can provide. And we watch Cosmic Disclosure together, it's our favorite show, and have so much in common spiritually that it's uncanny how similar we view things.
But sometimes people have been through some serious shit. and sometimes that shit still has a grip even after love comes flooding in. I know what true love is because of this man. I not only know it, I have the memories of it, and the future and the present. Everything about us is transformative in a way. We do come from two significantly enough different cultural backgrounds... suburban metro libral meets Appalachian fishing christian theologian. Yet I knew what his hands would look like before I met him... but not what his culture or age would be like. in most ways, he is far more insightful and tolerant than I am. I'm hot firey air sometimes and he's thick mud. I'm not good with my emotions sometimes because I rely more on my intellect to keep me from those emotions as often as possible. he's so deep with his emotions that I have trouble understanding the patterns of it. thankfully cancers do have rhythms... and that's one thing aquarius isn't aloof about, discerning patterns, so consider it a challenge accepted! ;) The realization is... that cancer feels as deeply as aquarius thinks. it's a little known secret that there can come a rare connection between a certain combination of cancer and aquarius and the sparks are impossible to avoid. somehow he and I got it right. And I'm so thankful that I didn't miss out after all. My guy is here. we're together right now. whatever challenges that come our way, we face it together. we may not both take the same degree of flack by the challenges we face together, but the other is there, and in a complimentary fashion, standing together. To me, that's what love does. maybe what it is, is hard to describe well enough. but what it does, we can tell those stories over and over for generations to come. That's the kind of love I feel for spaceman. And it's the kind of love he gives to me. It doesn't prevent me from hurting, due to others or even him, but it does insulate me. his love feels like a blanket, all snuggly warm. He's home to me, he feels that way because the man I have been looking for my entire life stands with me now and every cell in my body tells me it's true. twin flame relationships are not easy, but they are rewarding like nothing you can imagine unless it happens to you. may it happen to each of you <3
