Ignition

What a surreal evening.  December 23rd and the thunder is rolling across the sky.  I had to drive home in the beginning of the storm when it was at its worst.  There was a tornado watch in effect... in December.        

surreal

Regardless, I love warmer weather, skipping winter, and thunderstorms.  I also love feeling like I've received the blessing of a warmer day instead of frigid winter temps and blanketed grey skies.  

This week has been a bit different.  I was flying high with a certain vibration for so long and then Wham!  I've decided to harness the energy for what it is.  It started out with having my ducks in a certain row for increased energy (working out and eating better) and culminated in... I guess you could say... putting to rest a situation that needed to be put to rest at work.  With the support of those closest to me and some great superiors, I feel much better.  However... this anger that enraged from the situation may very well have caught some tinder alight in my being.  With the tinder having already been smoldering, I am wondering if, even after I got my resolution at work and felt that relief, the reason I'm still feeling this strong degree of fire inside me is because it's just another way things are burning through me lately.  

It may not last.  

But what if it does?  It makes me think of things like how I will adjust to yet another flavor of personality showing through.  Now I'm starting to get just how a modern mystic like Sadhguru can become so intensely spiritual.  

I had a dream about him the other night.  I'm not sure I want to share it, but it was a powerful message, in essence a confidence booster and recognition of being on target in my life, even by his designs.  You have no idea how important that is to me.  I tried to make it not important, but it is.  Even while I have thought myself lost.... he shows me I am exactly where I need to be and with whom.  

If you keep getting thrust into situations beyond your former experience and comfort zone, you can wiggle your way through realization after realization.  Yet you can still pursue your own goals.  It all depends on what you want and if you want it badly enough.  I've always known what I've wanted badly enough is epic love.  Having tasted it and found myself battered by my and others' inabilities to contain and balance such love, these things I began and eventually all but gave up on.  I have known great failure with some awesome people and been tested through intense heartache and dysfunction.  But my sweet day has come and he travels in love with me now.  And I feel very little, if any, dysfunction with spaceman and I.  That's an awesome thing to be having going on... and there's more.

Since I also changed my activity level and my eating habits, I'm watching my body increase in health... my core feels stronger, no longer like it's sitting its weight upon itself, I feel like I need my inhaler far less, my lungs feel stronger and less breathy, my fresh-out-of-the-dryer jeans felt less snug this morning, I'm not breaking down to snack nearly as much, I've had only 1 day I drank mtn dew since Nov. 30th, I'm not drinking much, I'm not even worrying or stressing over feeling hungrier - I eat or drink something light and sensible to pass it, I'm not finishing what's on my plate - like my parents always insisted, I've severely restricted grains like I should be, I'm at the gym 3 and 4 days a week, today I beat what I did yesterday by a quarter mile with only 30 seconds more on the clock, I've convinced my daughter to work out with me sometimes with the promise that if she did I might get her her own membership too, she did/I did, I have a couple of friends who also workout there and I love having a bit of a social life at the gym instead of come and go and speak to no one, my routine at home is changed as now I frequently shower in the evening instead of night... I would be requiring less sleep if only I weren't blissfully addicted to conversations with my spaceman.  

There's a lot going on that is awesome, 
so much more than I can list here.  

And yet some people I love and care about are going through some of their worst times...  I'm way up here and they're way down there reaching up but unconvinced of their possible success... or just distraught from heartache or numbness.  Having come out of such a period of inner turmoil from 2011-2014 (surprise addiction/being out-sourced/bankruptcy/anger at society and life), I know too intimately how far down the emotional scale that is.  

Maybe it's no wonder 2015 has been a stellar year for me. But that doesn't even begin to explain just how great it has been.  It's epically rewarding.  I really need to thank Tidbitz profusely, for she shared Nahko & Medicine for the People sooooo many times on her Facebook wall that I eventually listened.  Surely I have recounted the happiness breakthrough story, haven't I?  And then there's spaceman <3.  Need I say more???

So this fire inside can rage if it wants to.  I will learn to deal with it like I have the lack of inhibitions, humor, playfulness, and insights.  A fire inside is the type of energy that tripped me up in 2005 with spaceman. Sedona vortexes can be a bitch if you're not prepared. It's not the same "issues" being dealt with but it's that same raw energy.  Am I ready this time to deal with it?  Yeah, I think so.  Just bring the man to me, please.  Put him face to face with me, soon... Februrary <3.



"I'm going to ultimately liberate my consciousness."
"My eyes are crying over bullet-proof pride, because I know I didn't come to make it out alive."
"I will make a change."

Being Tested

"You're being tested," she said.  "What?" I thought maybe I didn't hear what she'd said over the hum of the brewery chatter.  

"It's a test.  These guys are tests for you."  Yeah, that's what I was thinking she'd said.  And she continued on in earnest curiosity, "Why do you even respond to them?"  

"Should I just ignore them?  That's rude.  There's no reason to be rude.  Besides, it just blows me away."  So I start to tell my sister the story of who this guy is who is messaging me tonight.  

I haven't heard from him literally since high school.  He's still good friends with another high school friend of ours whom I had been chatting with, more than I really wanted to, up until recently.  That guy (I'll call him HikerGuy) I had already set straight, a month or so ago.  I had told him, point blank, that "texting from sun up until late at night was something lovers do, which we are not."  He slowly but gradually cooled off after that.  But this guy who was messaging me tonight?  He was apparently a little miffed at spaceman and I having announced our relationship publicly on Facebook to all our friends and family.  I do not make this shit up, this is what he said to me:

"Weren't you just talking to HikerGuy? Damn...I missed the deadline again with you! Ugh!"

I am sure that HikerGuy left any assumptions his friends had about he and I very open ended and probably never used the word "platonic" in any of those conversations.  When the guy from last night asked me again about HikerGuy my reply was simply,

"Um we were talking about Hiking. And he's an awesome guy. But there was nothing you could consider not platonic. And I was not committed then.I told HikerGuy when I made [my own] decision. Only fair"

And yet you would not believe the detail in which he went into expressing his thoughts about me.  Basically, he reminisced in detail about how I looked in high school.  Having taken me to a dance, he had pictures he said he has kept and admired all this time.  Seriously, can a girl be flattered any more than that from a high school friend?  I am 41 years old now, fergodssakes.  I am just like any other 41 year old with sagging unmentionables and bulging curves.  How is it wrong, I think to myself, to allow myself to listen to a guy say such things to me?  That's not acting on it.  It's a one-time conversation.  In fact, I woke up this morning to another "hello" from him and that one DID get ignored.  He's also obviously way into looks and I'm not.  I was polite the other night, but that's enough warning.  In fact, that night he asked me for my phone number and I refused.  I am not playing the field anymore.  That's key.  

There is one person whom I was having a wonderful time hanging out with, also platonically... and he hasn't said so, but I know him... He's probably hurt, and that's partly my karma.  We had plans to hang out last night (which the universe was apparently conspiring to have cancelled because I came down sick yesterday afternoon), but he politely cancelled our plans (before I came down sick) and that actually brought me selfish relief.  Normally I would be more inquisitive of his feelings, try to foster understanding.  But this time, I let him go.  I simply asked him to please not be a stranger.  He didn't contest what that implied - that I knew he was hurting and why.  He just said, "Thanks".  His possible pain bothers me.  Steven has been in my life longer than spaceman has (just not with the same connection).  We have worked long and hard at being just friends.  I sincerely thought we had achieved it years ago.

It's not a one-way street, these admirers.  Spaceman has his own, and rightfully so.  He, too, has lost an ex-turned-friendship over our announcement.  We spoke about it at some length, if not what words transpired, but about his relationship with her.  He asked me, and I am paraphrasing here because it was days ago and if you only knew the needle in a haystack effort trying to dig up that one line would be... he asked, "this doesn't bother you... talking about her with you?"  Of course it doesn't... I want to know everything he's willing to share with me, at all times, with any subject.  He affords me so much more than that.  For instance, this writing here... he has granted me permission to write without asking further permission about anything we discuss or anything about him.  How trusting is that?  How open is that?  And after 10 years of conversing with him (he gave me permission back then as well as again recently when I re-asked him), I know he can handle anything I throw at him.  

Except infidelity.  I never assume anyone can handle that.  He never said he couldn't handle it; it's implied in our commitment with one another.  It's not even possible; it's not how I operate.  It's not who I am.  I have had a married man surprisingly kiss and seduce me while I was young and single (a fling I quickly ended), but that was a one time thing I swore I'd never do again and is the extent to which I have ever been a "cheater".  I am however, oftentimes a flirt.  This has gotten me into some sticky situations before, and I have many stories, too many stories... all of which I will, in time, spill to spaceman.  He knows I have a wild side.  He's seen it.  We laugh often over it, too. :)  

Every time a memory of some crazy thing I've done crosses my mind when we are chatting, my immediate reaction inside myself is to savor it but crush it into the secret corners of my past... and then I realize, like the million other little realizations that course through me when we are together, that he would want to know the whole me.  By not sharing, I am deceiving him into a false sense of who I really am.  So, I tell him.  I tell him the whole of it. The fun, the stupid, the dangerous, the insecure, the immature, the slutty even.  I am not afraid to be my whole self with him.  And the fact that he receives everything about me with such grace and hunger for more... well, I am on this fisherman's hook, blissfully caught up into his net.  I don't ever want to be with anyone else.  When I tell him who I really am by recounting who I have been, it shows him the range and capacity I have within me and that is yummy to him.  He tells me so in a million different ways and, in turn, demonstrates to me in unfathomable tenderness or shocking, sexual command, he loves me, he wants me, he will pour his everything out with me as well.

And so, these "tests"... *I roll my eyes*... they have NOTHING on spaceman.  It may have been that, around Halloween, we were not yet committed, but something changed that weekend... and although I was still chatting with others, I kept it platonic and was watching to see what spaceman would or would not do.  I wanted him more than I was saying at the time and he leapt, more than once to catch up, and now we are on fire.  

From spaceman to merridian:



There's a need for rain when the rivers dry When the earth's alone and the angels cry Like water I need you to fall on me I've run out of reasons to stay out at sea   I wanna get you to you In a serious way We got so much to do In a serious way I'll give you love so true Cause I wanna wake up with you everyday

The Future?

Synchronicities abound.

Spaceman accidentally added a link to our chat window last night, it was an article "Inside the Tiny Home Movement".  I didn't actually read it, because he immediately told me it was an accidental link. 

spaceman: oh DAMN...it is actually about the tiny home movement!...now that is freakin wierd

But I did click over and see the title, which reminded me... I started a list of "Things to Do with [spaceman] in February".  On the top of that list is, drum roll....

Watch "Life Off Grid" together https://vimeo.com/ondemand/lifeoffgrid/139603120

After watching the trailer, he said to me 

THIS gets my blood pumping....this is exactly what I have envisioned for some time now...exaactly

we NEED to watch that one together....I am just so blown away that my vision hasn't scared you off

I mean....to me...living simply...doesn't mean living in "poverty"...it means self-sustainability...and that can include a rich...ornate...lovely home....one that doesn't have to suck the life out of us by worrying about paying for it all of the time!

see I am not talking about a shack...I am talking....rich wood....granite countertops....state of the art appliances...solar power...hey I am a cancerian....I rich beautiful home os important to me 

I know you are a city girl....but I love you....and I can adopt some of your ways...and you could adopt some of mine? 

Yessss, a sustainable home is both our dreams.  We have so much in common, all over again. <3  And me being a city girl?  That's more like a suburbanite, although I do traipse all over the greater city to "play".  Seriously, all I need is internet, at least occasional internet.  I LOVE the country.  My younger sister lives on a farm and that place is just heaven to me.  

spaceman: I am not a died in the wool country music buff,,,some of it is so twangy and just stupid....but some of it resonates with me...I thought you might like this one

spaceman: think you and I could make roots somewhere like that some day?

Swimming

“To know Death, to be able to leverage mortality as an impetus to taste life profoundly, is the purpose of life.” 

~A Book On Death

In a way, I am doing this.  All this happiness, all these “finally coming true” happenings are making me hyper aware of my mortality.  It could all be ripped away in a tragic moment, yes?  

I can’t seem to forget that.

Driving down the highway, hyper vigilant and carefree at the same time...  Considering my health, wanting to be in tip top condition so that I last.  Understanding I am beyond the point of no return with him.  If either one of us keels over… there’s a dark potential there and I want to make sure every second is worth every ounce of pain that death will someday bring, because death is inevitable for us all.

“It is only in the awareness of the inevitable nature of Death that you will bite deeper into the fruit of life.” 

~same link as above

That’s just one of the many ways in which the sweetness of the deliverance of my joy is feeding upon itself.  This fire is fuel for my soul.  I’m on fire and smoldering at the same time.  I want to go dance under the fullness of the moon and swim in the sheets, completely lost to the outside world.  This passion I have, it’s wild and free and he will not contain it – instead he fans my flames greedily.  And I, I turn it back towards him, drenching what is already saturated.  I love him and he returns my call.  

Our sweetness will be my undoing.

The Return

How is it possible that this man has returned to me? 

In all reality, he never truly left. 

In May of 2005, we combusted, we broke up.  Or rather, I crashed and burned us to the ground.  We had been flying high together and I took a nose dive andcould not recover.  He, like the gentle angel he is, let me leave.  Let them go, right?  …and all that jazz.  After an incredibly, indelible deep dive into our wildest dreams, we parted ways.

I’m not sure how long it was before we picked communications back up.  I know that I had practically dove right back into the dating life with a friend (and next-door neighbor).  My neighbor (and confidant at time) and I made a go of it after some reluctance on my part.  Yet another patient man, wanting to pick up my pieces.  But in the end, I wanted more and he played the “I do but I don’t game” with me and I cut him off, too.  As wonderful as he was, I came to the depth of his ability to love me at the time and was left wanting.  After that, I was… let’s just say “stale” for a long while. 

And Spaceman was busy jumping into another relationship, too.  His lasted far longer, for 5 years, if I’m not mistaken.  It was a serious relationship full of the kind of love he craved and deserved.  His girlfriend was dreamy and capable and I admired their relationship greatly.

But sometime shortly after my neighbor and I ended it (late 2006?), spaceman and I were again communicating.  We found it in our hearts to try to forgive one another – mostly he forgave me (for I felt I had nothing to forgive him for) and I tried with all my might to figure out why I reacted so poorly in Sedona and be sincere in my apologies.  But mostly, our breakup matured into a wonderful, cherished friendship that lasted, get this… 10 full years! 

And I needed that 10 years, apparently, to undo the misconceptions within myself that caused me to take that nose-dive from him in 2005.  Without getting into the details of that, suffice it to say that I have dealt and continue to deal with my insecurities.

Through the years there were ebbs and flows of his interest in me and mine in him, never really meeting up in time together.  But we wrote, and wrote and wrote.  Boy did we write!  I’m sure I have all the emails to this day, which is pretty amazing.  Sometimes I go back and read through periods of them.  It’s insightful, delightful even.  This man is magical.  He’s a being of light that shines directly at the center of my soul, adding fuel to my higher consciousness.  I am sure there is no other being on this earth who sees me as clearly as he does.  Even just as a friend, he has always been that for me, always. 

This year I got happy.  I mean seriously happy!  It wasn’t even spaceman who did it.  Oh he’s a major source at the moment, but I somehow found this silly joy from music.  The first time I heard Nahko and Medicine for the People, I fell in love with their infectious, spirit-filled music.  I didn’t even know I was consuming medicine when it became the only music I could bare to listen to for months and months and months.  I just knew that by the second or third song, on my long drive to or from work, that I was dependably, raucously happy!  Weeks into it, I began to understand it was something unique, this new found,consistent joy that had invaded all parts of my life.  Things started to go right for once, twice, and a multitude of times.  A couple months into it I woke up in the middle of the night one night, and realized that I had breached the point of no return some time ago – so much so that I knew with all my being that I could NEVER go back to the emotional set-point of life-disappointment and deep depression that had ravaged me for 3-4 years prior (layoff/bankruptcy/anger at the world/lost hope of hope)... I laid there realizing my drastic and effortless return of passion, glory and bliss and promptly broke into deeply healing, racking sobs. 

Somewhere around that time, I also realized my love for spaceman was indelibly more than friendly and supportive.  We began chatting online more and more frequently, growing closer and closer again.  Out of my joy, I found him still standing there, turned toward me, but in his own puddle of a mess.

To be continued…