The Return

How is it possible that this man has returned to me? 

In all reality, he never truly left. 

In May of 2005, we combusted, we broke up.  Or rather, I crashed and burned us to the ground.  We had been flying high together and I took a nose dive andcould not recover.  He, like the gentle angel he is, let me leave.  Let them go, right?  …and all that jazz.  After an incredibly, indelible deep dive into our wildest dreams, we parted ways.

I’m not sure how long it was before we picked communications back up.  I know that I had practically dove right back into the dating life with a friend (and next-door neighbor).  My neighbor (and confidant at time) and I made a go of it after some reluctance on my part.  Yet another patient man, wanting to pick up my pieces.  But in the end, I wanted more and he played the “I do but I don’t game” with me and I cut him off, too.  As wonderful as he was, I came to the depth of his ability to love me at the time and was left wanting.  After that, I was… let’s just say “stale” for a long while. 

And Spaceman was busy jumping into another relationship, too.  His lasted far longer, for 5 years, if I’m not mistaken.  It was a serious relationship full of the kind of love he craved and deserved.  His girlfriend was dreamy and capable and I admired their relationship greatly.

But sometime shortly after my neighbor and I ended it (late 2006?), spaceman and I were again communicating.  We found it in our hearts to try to forgive one another – mostly he forgave me (for I felt I had nothing to forgive him for) and I tried with all my might to figure out why I reacted so poorly in Sedona and be sincere in my apologies.  But mostly, our breakup matured into a wonderful, cherished friendship that lasted, get this… 10 full years! 

And I needed that 10 years, apparently, to undo the misconceptions within myself that caused me to take that nose-dive from him in 2005.  Without getting into the details of that, suffice it to say that I have dealt and continue to deal with my insecurities.

Through the years there were ebbs and flows of his interest in me and mine in him, never really meeting up in time together.  But we wrote, and wrote and wrote.  Boy did we write!  I’m sure I have all the emails to this day, which is pretty amazing.  Sometimes I go back and read through periods of them.  It’s insightful, delightful even.  This man is magical.  He’s a being of light that shines directly at the center of my soul, adding fuel to my higher consciousness.  I am sure there is no other being on this earth who sees me as clearly as he does.  Even just as a friend, he has always been that for me, always. 

This year I got happy.  I mean seriously happy!  It wasn’t even spaceman who did it.  Oh he’s a major source at the moment, but I somehow found this silly joy from music.  The first time I heard Nahko and Medicine for the People, I fell in love with their infectious, spirit-filled music.  I didn’t even know I was consuming medicine when it became the only music I could bare to listen to for months and months and months.  I just knew that by the second or third song, on my long drive to or from work, that I was dependably, raucously happy!  Weeks into it, I began to understand it was something unique, this new found,consistent joy that had invaded all parts of my life.  Things started to go right for once, twice, and a multitude of times.  A couple months into it I woke up in the middle of the night one night, and realized that I had breached the point of no return some time ago – so much so that I knew with all my being that I could NEVER go back to the emotional set-point of life-disappointment and deep depression that had ravaged me for 3-4 years prior (layoff/bankruptcy/anger at the world/lost hope of hope)... I laid there realizing my drastic and effortless return of passion, glory and bliss and promptly broke into deeply healing, racking sobs. 

Somewhere around that time, I also realized my love for spaceman was indelibly more than friendly and supportive.  We began chatting online more and more frequently, growing closer and closer again.  Out of my joy, I found him still standing there, turned toward me, but in his own puddle of a mess.

To be continued…