Processing

Seems like when it rains, it pours.  Yesterday was a pretty good day, listening to classic rock tunes while working, feeling caught up finally, and working away at my next task.  Then something bit me in the ass, code-wise, so to speak. The realization of it just threw me for a loop.  I was really frustrated, to the brink of tears.  This never happens at work. I'm not usually that easy to upset, even in the midst of bad news.  But boy was I fuming mad, at the situation and how much I had tried to prevent it and still failed.  My anger boiled over into tears when no one was looking.  I was wiped the rest of the day and evening, emotionally drained.

Then early, early this morning I had a nightmare involving Standingmoon, a tornado, and the loss of her life.  In all the dreams I've ever had about tornadoes, no one has ever actually been harmed.  But she was swept away and I was devastated.  That's a horrible feeling to wake up to.  It's been lingering all morning, that and a headache.  

Today is our work Christmas party.  We're going to a breakout room, then dinner with spouses/SO's after that.  All I want to do is go home and go back to sleep.  I don't know what's going on, but my dreams keep pestering me about Standingmoon.  And work is frustrating, too.  My life is pretty calm on all the other fronts, so I'm very appreciable for that.  Just not sure why my subconscious is making me deal with her absence as harshly as it is.  This makes 3 dreams in the past couple weeks now.  

On the other hand, it's good my dreams are speaking to me strongly again like tarot readings and such.  When spaceman moved in, I switched to a new deck, a Mayan oracle.  It's amazing and perfect for me at this point in my spiritual evolution.  I suspect I'm being eased into closer contact with my higher self and guides.  Reentry is a bit rough at the moment.  Some self-TLC is in order.  Thankfully, I have a nice stretch of time off work coming up soon.  I can't wait. :)

Lost Friendship

Standingmoon has been on my mind.  The last time I saw her, in Aldi’s, she couldn’t wait to get away from me, so uncomfortable I make her now.  Even in my dreams, when I see her, she’s trying to escape conversation with me.  All I want to do is talk, connect, re-connect.  I don’t hold any grudges against her.  I would be the LAST person to do that.  I understand what happened. I think she does, too, but she’s always been squeamish in certain circumstances.  Connecting with me now falls into that category, I guess.

The fact is, I just didn’t want to be blamed for her relationship ills (to be clear, not by her). And I didn’t want to be confronted anymore for such assumptions.  She deserves more peace that that.  My older sister and brother lost their father that way, to murder by a hurting man.  I’m not going down any similar road like that.  I don’t trust those who don’t trust me, warranted or not.

The other fact is, I needed her and she wasn’t around.  She couldn’t be around, I guess.  I half didn’t want her around either (for the reason above). But I still needed her.  It was complicated.  I don’t blame her.  But I did need my best friend during that time.  I missed her all throughout, and I still miss her.  No one could ever replace her, no one.  There will always be a hole in my life without her, always. 

No one is perfect, not her, not I.  And my heart aches for the friendship I no longer have present.  Maybe it’s never going to be completely gone, but it’s certainly not present here and now.  And I feel greatly saddened by this.  What else can I say?  I miss her!! 

My heart is broken in this way.  Had I known we would drift like this, surely there would be something I could have done differently…. And yet there is no turning back time.  So I wish her well every time she crosses my mind.  I imagine she’s found new confidants, new support systems, and I imagine her boyfriend turning things around for them.  In this imaginary world with her, I’m still not in her life anymore.  My dreams tell me it’s still not the right time to re-connect (though I would certainly welcome it).  Maybe it never will be, I can’t know that, not yet.  So I wish her well, hold nothing against her, understand my own role in our parting, pray for her happiness, and wish her well upon her path.  And still, I miss her incredibly, incredibly so. 

I can’t even tell you how long it’s been!  I never started counting because there was never a day when something went wrong, no marker of our departure.  It just feels like eons, and at the same time, like yesterday… and I cry. I weep silent tears from time to time, hidden from everyone. And when I don’t cry, I ache.  There is no one like Standingmoon and she will always be my friend.