...I shouldn't be eating the feta, but every once in a while... mmmmmhmm.
Today was my physical. I would say "annual physical" but I haven't had one in... well I can only recall one other in my adult life (outside of my army days). In fact, before I had my leg pain in early December, I hadn't been to the doctor for even a sick visit in at least two years. But I decided to make one after my leg pain issue. A vessel in my right thigh, the main one, swelled up near bedtime and became really painful. Not even moving around it was still painful. I had an ultrasound, which found absolutely nothing (of course). Doctors never find anything wrong with me when I complain of anything. I guess I'm too sensitive to the slightest of changes. I don't know. How can a person have that much pain and it just go away and can no longer be detected like that? That can't bode well.
I had already decided to start working out and eating better before that happened. For all I know, that's what brought it on. In late November I had edema of the lower calves. That's when I started working out, eating more cleanly, and quit the mtn dew again. I've only lost a measley 6 lbs. But hey, it was over the holidays and the numbers are going in the right direction, if ever so slowly. I'm currently trying to break my second plateau. Gawd, I can remember when I could lose 10 lbs in the first week. *smh* The 40's suck in that regard.
In other ways, 41 (nearly 42) isn't so bad. I was done having kids at 25. That means my oldest is 19 and my youngest is 16. She will be 17 when she graduates high school. An empty nest is just around the corner. And boy do I have plans for it! My poor kids, they won't be coddled. They have been reminded from time to time, while growing up, that mom intends to pursue her own dreams once they're grown, which could including living anywhere, stateside or not. Mom may not be one of those always-around grandmas for their kids.
And it's really getting close. I mean, I've already gone through the stage when, after wanting the years to speed up, I started wishing they would really slow down - it was going too fast, they were growing up too quickly, I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of this period of my life any time too soon. Now... well now there are plans forming.... nebulous plans, but directions and desires swirling about in more and more specific ways.
It's just that I need to polish off the edges where my multi-year depression had alchemically changed my spirit and body. It's not just the coming empty nest. No. It's spaceman. Of course, it's also spaceman. This man is the love of my life. I swear to it. Every time I'm having a bad or not so great day and I think about our coming conversation and might not be as up for it as usual... just feeling blah, you know? Once we are chatting or talking, a certain cadence kicks in and my heart lifts. He brings life to my light. And I'm sure that if you could see auras, ours would glow a little brighter while we are "together".
Of course, we aren't really together-together in the sense that we live 6 hours apart. In fact, I have not laid eyes on this man in over 10 years. Scary, eh? Kind of, but kind of not. Like I told him last night, this sweet, sweet flavor of romantic love that we have going on in recent months is all wonderful, but it is not the basis of our love. The basis of our love is the 10 years worth of cherishing one another through frequent letter exchanging. Our romantic reconnection may bring us closer, but "we" have always been. There's going to be a lot of dreams coming true. I can just feel it. And, so can he.
That brings me back to these nebulous plans that are developing. Oh so many hopes and dreams, co-mingling, forming in thought first and later in actuality. What exactly that will be, we do not know yet. I like to watch things unfold in real time, and so does he. It's a living in the moment balancing act that is far more difficult to achieve than conceive. Yet somehow, with him, I feel calm and patient. I feel confident and truly loved. I am liberated in a way I cannot describe.
And so, I'm making progress towards what I want. After all, just because you yearn for something doesn't mean it will come about. You have to meet it in the middle. You walk towards what you prefer and expect wonderful outcomes without being attached to any, but welcoming whatever the universe forms to deliver. Positive intention is key here... an intention with open-endedness. Don't focus on the hows. Just focus on the feelings you want to have.
Right now, I'm having the feeling that I would like to eat something yummy! It just needs to be healthy, too.
hmmm... it cannot be that awesome cottage cheese and homemade strawberry jelly I have sitting in the fridge. I've already had too much dairy (feta; lactose intolerant). A fuji apple then... with peanut butter... better yet cashew or almond butter if I can find some.
