A Wee Update

Hopefully, I’m done with that little spurt of blah!  A couple of weeks feeling run-down and overwhelmed seems to have, hopefully, come to an end.  After a broken molar, a kid with mono (egads), binge watching cosmic disclosure, workouts at the gym, meditations at home, doctors and dentist appointments, work… bleh, I was just so giddy to have a shocking 58 degree F day with beautiful morning clouds and an ever-later sunset to brighten my day.  Plus, I found a new Nahko song and I LOVE it!

I’ll leave you with that, because, as always, I’m supposed to be doing something else right now and need to get back to it. :)

A Shift

It feels like eons that I blogged here, but it's only been just over a week.  I've just been in a different sort of state...

The past week or two have felt another shift within me.  I feel like I'm living in a different kind of energy than before.  There's more clarity in some respects and yet more confusion as I stumble around trying to feel my way through this new energy state.  And I feel tired.  I'm plain pooped most days.  This happiness phase I have been in for a year has somehow lead to this, and it's a good place to be, don't get me wrong, even while it has left me scrambling trying to adjust.  To adjust, I have added meditation back into my routine.  I've added it for other reasons as well, but that just makes me all the more sure of its importance.

You have to see... routine is so hard for me.  It always has been.  But for some reason lately I have this certain determination and lack of as much resistance to working out, eating better and... now... meditation.  Although, it's only been a week on the meditation front and still too soon to say there is more success on an long-term front with that.  It is important though, that I'm even attempting again.  And of course... it feels good.  

I imagine... in time... that the efforts I'm putting in will begin to become easier, a certain kind of lift will generate, making the effort seem, well, less of an effort. lol  I mean, it already does feel less of an effort, but having added meditation back in the mix with working out and eating right... well that's a lot of "change" to incorporate at the same time.  You know what it feels like?  It feels like when I first landed the job I have... I had to add a 45 minute commute into my day, twice a day and it really, really affected my whole routine and took my free time away from me, as I still needed to get done all the same things I needed to get done before that commute was necessary.  

And so I feel tired from adjusting to the solution I put in place (meditating daily) to counteract the new information I gained in the week before.  This information has shaken up my sense of reality, which means I'm sent reeling into reconsideration of past, present and future.

And through this, spaceman has been so good to me, so very good.  He's always the most patient man I know, and always looking out for me and wants for me what I want for me.  Lots of people say that, especially in the beginning of a relationship, but not very many can actually demonstrate it over and over.  I don't know how or when or hell... if ever we will be together on a daily, long-term basis... but I very much do want that.  One of the things we are about to do, is see one another, in-person, for the first time in 10 years.  That's no small event.    It's less than 3 weeks away and I don't feel like my house is ever going to be "presentable" enough lol.  I am not a good house-keeper these days, and... everything is not in it's best state... this place has taken a beating with things that are broken or need addressing from lack of funds to address it.  It's also cluttered and disorganized.  It's my last hold-out, evidence of a long period of depression I finally emerged from a year or so ago.  I feel like it's all too overwhelming to deal with on my own.  And then, I get gob-smacked by a reality-tossing set of new-to-me information.  And I'm tired, so it's just going to be what it is.  I don't feel it's worth dropping the ball of meditation or the ball of working out or the ball of eating well, or the ball of daily talks with my kids and spaceman.  And he says he doesn't want me to worry about that anyway.  

I mean.. how can I sleep in, then take an all-afternoon nap, AND still feel tired by 9 pm???