Parenting

Maybe I've worked a little too hard on getting through to my daughter over the years (just a little joking here).  You see, I'm an Aquarius and she's a Leo, like her father.  Her dad and I split up when she was just 4 months old, but my girl, her personality is unmistakably wired like her father.  If you ask her, she will agree.

She's a stubborn girl like her mother, too.  Leo's certainly don't corner the market on stubbornness, after all.  And because of our personality differences, raising her has been one of my bigger challenges.  But, it's also been one of the most rewarding.  And before I go any further... I also have an older son, a Virgo, whom has been easier in some respects and challenging in others.  Today, I'm talking about my daughter, because last night we had the most amazing conversation and I realized.... she's grown.  She's mature. She's equipped for life ahead of her.  She's learned all she needs to know from her good ole' mom and that's much more than I realized.  

First, a little background...

This past June my daughter and I embarked on a "diet" together.  She has lost 57 lbs so far, and I've lost 27.  That's amazing and all that, but the real gem in our journey together has been the deepening of our mother-daughter relationship.  We plan meals together.  We sometimes grocery shop together, and she helps out making recipes when she has time around her shifting work schedule.  

Spending so much time with her this past 6 months has deepened our relationship immensely.  I've watched her grow and mature through the years, but until I spent so, so much time one-on-one with her, I never realized just how smart and insightful this young lady has become.  

My particular style of parenting has been a "say yes" style.  I don't flip out much. I always tried to be positive and prune negativity.  Whenever they had frustrations, I tried to help them understand others' point of view and handle them with grace and understanding, but not let others walk all over them either.  It seems simple. But when you have someone who is quick to jump into a "me first" attitude, it's more a challenge to get through to them.  This was my daughter.  She is sassy!

There have been countless times this past year that I have noticed the intelligence that she has going on beneath her veneer.  But last night takes the cake.  She recounted a story about a conversation she and a coworker had where she proceeded to explain how the medical system truly works because they're bought out by the corporations who make money off you being sick, not off you getting well... (but said it with a lot more detail and understanding than I thought she knew).  My jaw was on the floor, and then the giggles kicked in imagining what this other girl must have been thinking as this was being said.  Was it the first time she's heard such things?  I don't know.  But my daughter has heard them countless times from me!

That's all parroting me, right?  Let me go on...

I'm not sure how we ended up on this topic, but she then proceeded to tell me how the rest of the family sees me, but how it's all wrong because the way I really am, if they really knew the real me, was because of this penchant to be calm and peaceful, to not be around drama, stress and negativity.  They see it as I don't care about x, y, or z.  But really it's because I do care, that I don't join in those behaviors.  She went on and on about all this really insightful stuff, that I can't recall well enough to explain here.  Just suffice it to know that, again, my jaw was on the floor listening to my daughter and all her psychological insight.  I really have tried to raise my kids with compassion and understanding for the situations they find themselves in.

We also spoke at length about finances, how to read a credit card statement, how to know what bills to pay first, what's the best strategy for this or that, etc.  She has a really good understanding of her finances and some significant savings built up.  She's 19.  The questions she asks me are specific and show her grasp of her personal economics.  

And therefore I proclaimed to the household, my girl is ready to move out! haha Not that she has to, I told her, but that I'm sure she'll do fine when she finally does.  I don't think that will be for another year though.  She's starting school again after the holidays, this time at the local community college - a much better value for her money.  She switch from a $40k university nursing degree to a less than $10k Pharmacy Technician program.  

Super proud I am!

My 21 year old son is also on his path as well.  He's taken up somewhat of an unofficial apprenticeship in machining, full time.  And he likes it enough that he doesn't complain 24/7 about it. lol  I'll take that as a win for now as well.  And like I eluded to earlier, this boy was born compassionate, despite his masculine dominance. lol  He has a really great balance of both.  :)

For now, the nest is still full, and I'm enjoying most every bit of it.  I wish I could go back in time and tell my young mother self that these kids will turn out just fine and to stop caring what others think of my parenting style and personality quirks.

Processing

Seems like when it rains, it pours.  Yesterday was a pretty good day, listening to classic rock tunes while working, feeling caught up finally, and working away at my next task.  Then something bit me in the ass, code-wise, so to speak. The realization of it just threw me for a loop.  I was really frustrated, to the brink of tears.  This never happens at work. I'm not usually that easy to upset, even in the midst of bad news.  But boy was I fuming mad, at the situation and how much I had tried to prevent it and still failed.  My anger boiled over into tears when no one was looking.  I was wiped the rest of the day and evening, emotionally drained.

Then early, early this morning I had a nightmare involving Standingmoon, a tornado, and the loss of her life.  In all the dreams I've ever had about tornadoes, no one has ever actually been harmed.  But she was swept away and I was devastated.  That's a horrible feeling to wake up to.  It's been lingering all morning, that and a headache.  

Today is our work Christmas party.  We're going to a breakout room, then dinner with spouses/SO's after that.  All I want to do is go home and go back to sleep.  I don't know what's going on, but my dreams keep pestering me about Standingmoon.  And work is frustrating, too.  My life is pretty calm on all the other fronts, so I'm very appreciable for that.  Just not sure why my subconscious is making me deal with her absence as harshly as it is.  This makes 3 dreams in the past couple weeks now.  

On the other hand, it's good my dreams are speaking to me strongly again like tarot readings and such.  When spaceman moved in, I switched to a new deck, a Mayan oracle.  It's amazing and perfect for me at this point in my spiritual evolution.  I suspect I'm being eased into closer contact with my higher self and guides.  Reentry is a bit rough at the moment.  Some self-TLC is in order.  Thankfully, I have a nice stretch of time off work coming up soon.  I can't wait. :)

Lost Friendship

Standingmoon has been on my mind.  The last time I saw her, in Aldi’s, she couldn’t wait to get away from me, so uncomfortable I make her now.  Even in my dreams, when I see her, she’s trying to escape conversation with me.  All I want to do is talk, connect, re-connect.  I don’t hold any grudges against her.  I would be the LAST person to do that.  I understand what happened. I think she does, too, but she’s always been squeamish in certain circumstances.  Connecting with me now falls into that category, I guess.

The fact is, I just didn’t want to be blamed for her relationship ills (to be clear, not by her). And I didn’t want to be confronted anymore for such assumptions.  She deserves more peace that that.  My older sister and brother lost their father that way, to murder by a hurting man.  I’m not going down any similar road like that.  I don’t trust those who don’t trust me, warranted or not.

The other fact is, I needed her and she wasn’t around.  She couldn’t be around, I guess.  I half didn’t want her around either (for the reason above). But I still needed her.  It was complicated.  I don’t blame her.  But I did need my best friend during that time.  I missed her all throughout, and I still miss her.  No one could ever replace her, no one.  There will always be a hole in my life without her, always. 

No one is perfect, not her, not I.  And my heart aches for the friendship I no longer have present.  Maybe it’s never going to be completely gone, but it’s certainly not present here and now.  And I feel greatly saddened by this.  What else can I say?  I miss her!! 

My heart is broken in this way.  Had I known we would drift like this, surely there would be something I could have done differently…. And yet there is no turning back time.  So I wish her well every time she crosses my mind.  I imagine she’s found new confidants, new support systems, and I imagine her boyfriend turning things around for them.  In this imaginary world with her, I’m still not in her life anymore.  My dreams tell me it’s still not the right time to re-connect (though I would certainly welcome it).  Maybe it never will be, I can’t know that, not yet.  So I wish her well, hold nothing against her, understand my own role in our parting, pray for her happiness, and wish her well upon her path.  And still, I miss her incredibly, incredibly so. 

I can’t even tell you how long it’s been!  I never started counting because there was never a day when something went wrong, no marker of our departure.  It just feels like eons, and at the same time, like yesterday… and I cry. I weep silent tears from time to time, hidden from everyone. And when I don’t cry, I ache.  There is no one like Standingmoon and she will always be my friend.

Revisiting Hypothyroidism

Last week I heard Dr. Berry (my favorite Keto YouTube Doc) say constipation can be caused by HYPOTHYROIDISM, and he recommended a website to help with it: www.stopthethyroidmadness.com.  I had not considered hypothyroidism to be a possible cause for my IBS-C, probably because when I first learned about it and my symptoms I didn't yet have constipation.  Hypothyroidism is something my own doctor has always told me I don’t have!

I have tried so many ways to help alleviate my constipation. Keto is helping, so is higher water and mineral intake.  But nothing works long term and certainly nothing has cured it.  All my efforts only seem to temporarily cut back on the severity of the constipation, not consistently prevent or cure it.  There seem to be too many factors to control, including travel and stress.  My efforts are commendable, but obviously are not treating the real cause.  It’s still a monumental effort to keep my motility going because there’s usually something that changes up in my routine that knocks me back and takes a week or more to readjust.  At most I can go (pun intended) for about 1.5-2 weeks, then trouble again.  I can only seem to “manage” my constipation on a scale of not as bad.  I WANT A TO KNOW THE ROOT CAUSE so I can more effectively deal with it!

Granted, there is something else I have not yet tried, and should try (going dairy free), and I am already ramping down.  Originally that was the plan for my Keto adventure.  But 2 days before I started, my daughter asked to join me and... well, I wanted to give her the best chance possible at sticking with this.  So, I did not limit dairy at that point.  Now that I'm trying to ramp down on it.  I still find myself accidentally adding dairy here and there (just had some ranch dressing for instance, without thinking).  I'm getting better, even if I'm obviously not 100% committed yet to no dairy.

But this new info on Hypothyroidism... in my gut hypothyroidism feels like it could potentially be the key.  Why? 

All throughout my adult life I have gone to the doctor asking to be tested for hypothyroidism, nearly yearly for a really long time until I gave up trying (because my doctor wouldn’t treat sub-clinical hypothyroidism).  But in reality, I have blazing hypothyroidism symptoms and the TSH test isn’t indicating it:

•        Fine, thin, & thinning hair
•        Weak nails
•        Dry skin
•        A slow metabolism
•        Cold all the time
•        And since 2005, chronic constipation for which I have had all kinds of tests that turned up absolutely nothing. 
•        And let’s not under emphasize that I have not one, not two, but 3 of 3 of my closest blood relatives ALL have some form of diagnosed thyroidism!!! 

My mother, my father, and my full-blooded sister are all on synthetic T4-only medications, based off of TSH lab testing, for which I have never fallen outside the range (or have I??? I found out the range has narrowed, noted further below).  My sister is hypo & hyper.  As I've been reading about this subject. I now wonder if she has been tested for Hashimoto's.  The symptoms are much the same as Hypothyoroidism, but the thyroid is under attack due to an autoimmune response.

TSH – Why It’s Useless
https://stopthethyroidmadness.com/tsh-why-its-useless/

What I have learned from “Stop the Thyroid Madness”, STTM for short, a website and book that complied patient-to-patient experiences with better diagnosing and treating thyroid-related conditions (hypo/hyper/Hashimoto’s/adrenal fatigue, low iron, etc.), is that the TSM test can be “normal” for 10-15 years before it gets sufficiently out of hand so that it finally shows up out of range!  So people like me with blazing hypothyroidism symptoms, simply get told the thyroid is fine and go untreated FOR YEARS.  In addition to that, modern synthetic prescriptions are “T4-only” when our actual thyroids involve T4, T3, T2, T1 & calcitonin.  There’s even a link to heart palpitations from hypothyroidism, which I dealt with 2 years ago.  A constipation aide sent that over the edge for me, which I figured out and ceased. I also learned at that time, to increase my magnesium intake, which also helps constipation.  It’s been somewhat better since, but still not well-controlled.  I am starting to see that the medical establishment has failed me with their inferior TSH test. 

So, I’m reading this book, which I started Friday after work and am nearly half fished already.  I find it fascinating.  There is SO MUCH to learn about how the hormone system works together, or is supposed to work together.  I don’t find it a dull read at all. 

Here’s a study looking at hypothyroidism and gut motility (constipation). This one is rather boring to read, though it demonstrates the link.
https://www.hindawi.com/journals/grp/2009/529802/

I have a physical scheduled in a couple weeks.  I may or may not, for financial reasons since I may ask for extra lab tests, reschedule it for some time after the 1^st of the year (when my deductible restarts).  I also need the time to study up better, so I can present the information to my doctor, so that I can convince him to base his diagnosis on the presentation of my symptoms and not the faulty TSH lab.  Although, in this book, they said the range used to be 0.5-5.0, and it’s since been lowered to 0.3-3.0.  My last TSH result (Jan. 2016) was 3.7, on the higher side, which is the side that starts to indicate possible hypothyroidism.  The TSH is high because the body is signaling for more because the thyroid isn’t answering the call of the TSH message.  It’s “knocking but no one is answering”. 

Anyway, there are a couple of possible underlying conditions that can thwart proper treatment with Natural Desiccated Thyroid medicine (or even synthetic t4-only medicine), and that is an adrenal dysfunction or low ferritin (low iron).  I’m still reading how to determine that. They have tests and lab work that can help diagnose it.  I just need to get my ducks in a row before I see my doctor.  Some of the lab work I can order myself and have as ammunition.  I don’t know if I have any underlying problem or not, but I need to at least rule it out.  If I do, that has to be treated as well, or I won’t see positive results from even the better Natural Desiccated Thyroid medicine – assuming I can even find a doctor to prescribe it properly (which is also a big problem, while most won't prescribe it at all).

I don’t believe in leaving it to my doctors.  They don’t know me.  They don’t suffer my symptoms.  They don’t have vast knowledge, nor are they financially free from oppressive pharmaceutical and corporate interests.  These things get in the way of good doctors practicing the best medicine they could.  I really feel for doctors, because they go into the field for all the right reasons, go into hellacious debt to do it, and end up with their hands tied by the industry.  I will NOT let that stop me from finding my answers.

This Place We're In

Two Monday's ago, the anniversary of spaceman moving in came and went, with some private celebration of course. ;)  Two years.  Two full years.  And we have been through a LOT!  And yet, here we are, still together, still kickin', still... well better than ever. <3

Yesterday he started his first job since moving in.  We had a deal.  He would get one when he was good and ready, and no sooner.  Screw what everyone else thinks.  This is OUR life together, not theirs.  And that's how we rolled.  I make plenty, and spaceman has not been the only soul I have invited into my home with or without a job through the years.  I currently have an extra 19 year old living with us as well.  This is not a burden.  This was a solution to unspoken concerns.  I have no complaints, other than when I find the common areas left a mess - and that's usually my own kids who have done it.  

But yesterday was momentous because it started yet another new chapter in spaceman and I's lives together.  He's been through the wringer, and together we transcended.  

While he was working yesterday, I felt inspired to make some notes of it in my private journal.  When I opened it up, I saw it had been nearly a year since I had last made an entry.  After writing my happy entry, I read backwards through the posts from a year ago.  Yowzers.  It's amazing the difference a year can make. <3

A year ago we were on the brink of calling it quits due to his addiction.  There were fights that weren't intended but unavoidable, there were threats to call it quits, and then there were a series of breakthroughs that, though they started as emergencies, they ended with new beginnings.  Its funny how you can be so close to turning things around and not be able to sense it.  Turn it around we did. <3  Addiction is hell, but healing from addiction was surprisingly swift for us.  Of course for that I have spaceman to thank.  He did the inner work.  He dealt with the very real struggle.  HE DID IT.  I was just there for encouragement, love and a soft landing.  

It was so sweet to read through those heart-wrenching entries, to feel the reminder of just how bad it was back then, but to feel just how equally solid and promising things are now.  Back then I couldn't imagine how I could ever get this "issue" behind us.  Even if he healed, I figured our relationship would always be somewhat damaged from this.  But it hasn't been like that at all.  

Sure, it took time.  Sure, I was hard pressed to trust for a while. But he was as patient with me as I had been with him, and I needed that.  After he put that poison down for the last time (we call it "that bitch!" for humor), it took more than just days, or week, even months, for me to trust again... always looking over my shoulder so-to-speak.  "Just in case" I needed to keep my vigil.  But it was that same vigil that was now getting in the way.  Real healing was happening and I gradually began to see it... to feel it.  Periods of time began slipping by when I didn't think to check for bottles or count his pills to make sure he took them.  And in realizing it, I began to relax.  And in relaxing, I found true peace again.  Healing each of us was a separate journey in many ways.  But healing automatically lifted the stressors that had plagued us for so long, and we naturally came full circle back into our cherished state together.  

Honestly, it didn't take long.  Healing grew into fullness quickly for us.  In a few days it will be 8 months since he quit that bitch.  Things are really taking off.  All those dreams I thought I would have to give up, they're still here with us. We are going after them. <3  I'm one happy chic.  He's shown me that even through his trigger days (anniversaries of x, y, z), he's got this licked.  He's 100% capable of traversing those days without going off the deep end.  It was that bitch that was screwing him every time.  She's no friend of ours.  

I feel like the luckiest girl on earth.  How many people can say their loved one beat addiction for them?  Not as many as there should be anyway.  I AM lucky.  And I learned a great deal along the way, for myself.  You see, I'm a runner.  When the going got tough, I bolted.  It was like that since my early dating days.  If I heard a rumor a boy was cheating on me or about to break up, I broke up first.  Even in my thirties, after a failed marriage and not having problems finding new love interests, none of my relationships lasted longer than 3-6 months on average.  I always came away from them feeling like I screwed it up again.  Even with spaceman the first time around, even with him!!!  

But through the ordeal with him last year, I discovered I had it within ME to stick it out.  I found that I could be the person I thought I never could.  I found compassion beyond desirability.  I found out what it's like to be in the shoes of so many others.  And I faced that addiction right along side him.  I don't know what it's like for others who have been through it.  But I know what it was like for us.  Even when the love is grand, and mutual, it strips you bare and beats you down until you feel like you can't continue.  

Reading those words from a year ago... while they brought back emotions I never want to feel again, they also reminded me of just how far we have come.  I am the luckiest girl alive.  My man got his shit together for me.  Yes, he did it for himself, and for his family, and for me... but he wouldn't have done it without me.  Somehow I was key in this process for him.  And that feels amazing.  I am brought to tears each time I think about it.  If I have done nothing else of value in my life, there is still this.  And if he ever works another day in his life, there's still that.  

I often think of those memes that remind us, "You never know what's going on in someone else life.  Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about." ---or something like that.  For spaceman and I, most of my family doesn't even know what we went through last year.  I've just told them he has been dealing with some things, which was true.  And so I'm super proud of how much progress he's made in this past year.  This new job is a milestone of sorts.  He's going to be great at it.  And now we can move even faster towards our dreams, and any qualms anyone ever had about me living with a guy who doesn't work... well they can go fuck themselves! hahaha  Yep, that's pretty much how I feel about it.  Spaceman needed some space, some serious space for a long while.  I was privileged to be able to provide it for him.  And he's long been on the comeback.  We are both stoked and ready to take on the world, and stronger than ever, because of what we have been through together.  

Ease & Effort

Most of my effort on this WOE (way of eating, rather than "diet") is incurred on the weekend.  While in so many ways, this WOE is easy-peasy, delicious & nutritious the weekends are consumed with food prep.  

Friday evening I try to get my daughter to send me some recipes she's interested in, and I print out a couple main dish recipes and a couple dessert recipes.  I've pretty much given up on also making a couple side dish recipes.  These recipes I have to go through to see what ingredients I need, and put them on the grocery list, complete with amounts.  We gave up on side dishes.  It got to be too much.  But no worries, I keep plenty of veggies on hand for that.  We do garden and spaceman cans or vacuum seals and freezes most of it.  You could say he and I spend the majority of our time together either in the kitchen or in the garden, or tuckered out sleeping. lol

But it's enjoyable.  I feel so good eating this way, and weight is just gradually dropping off.  That's the part that feels so easy-peasy.  I don't go to the gym.  I don't eat diet food. I eat really yummy, homemade dishes.  And, they're usually portioned out for a quick grab from the fridge in the morning so I can take it to work and reheat & eat it. Easy!

But these weekends... Saturday ends up being grocery day.  I usually go several places.  

1. Whole foods for specialty health food items such as Lily's Chocolate Chips (keto-friendly), any supplements I need, and sometimes organic veggies (though most I can get at my regular grocery)
2. A local farm for fresh eggs
3. Dollar Tree for things like zip lock bags 
4. Aldi's for grass fed meats, organic milk & cheese, avocados, some frozen pizzas for the boys, sometimes some frozen fish for us, and toilet paper.  
5. Kroger for Zevia Cherry Cola, mmm mm!
6. Meijer for the rest.

It's a pain.  While I go to Whole Foods probably only every other week and during my lunch break at work, the rest happen weekly since being on Keto.

Then Sunday, it's cooking day.  For instance, today I have 6 recipes, plus one I can't make until 24 hours after one of the other recipes is done.  

• Shredded Chicken Chili - my daughter's main dish
• Cheesy Steak Fajita Rolls - my main dish
• Smoked Beef Jerky - just an extra thing I want to try
• Raspberry Jelly (sugar free jam, that goes in meatballs recipe)
• Pumpkin Roll with Cream Cheese - Ashley's dessert
• Buckeyes (aka to non-Ohioans: Peanut butter balls) - my dessert
• Slow Cooker Meatballs - another dish my daughter wanted (I spoil her)

I think she gets off work at 6:30 pm, and rest assured, I'll still be going at this and she can help at that point.  In fact, I'm sure I'll still be at it until time to retire to the double recliner out on the back deck and sit with spaceman where we'll talk about the state of the world while we scan the skies for satellites, and aerial phenomenon of the unidentified sort.

Postponed Again

Okay, so... I'm just going to vent a bit.  It's benign, nothing big, just annoying.

I had my pod cast interview rescheduled for this morning, and I didn't think (why???) to check my email last night.  She had to cancel due to an unexpected flight to NY.  So... I'm left sitting there at 10 am, headphones on, watching the minutes tick away... and no call, again.

I checked my email and low and behold, she wanted to reschedule for tomorrow morning.  But, I'm deflated.  I woke up early this morning, to shower, get caffeine in me, review the questions and my answers.  I spent the last month working my "let's not get nervous" magic about this coming interview.  I'm introverted in person, and this is very outside my comfort zone.  

But I believe in why I want to do it, and I will do it.  It's just, I'm not going to do it tomorrow morning.  I need some R&R over the weekend, and sitting and trying not to be nervous about this isn't that.  So, I declined for tomorrow.  That's my feel good decision.  I want to be in a good place when I do this interview, and if it never happens.. oh well. But if it does, I want to feel fresh and in a good place about it.  So... I'll let her get her ducks in a row first (she seems busy!), and I'll put this out of my field of influence for a while.  That way it can come back, if at all, with a more positive energy about it.

And that means.... 

MY WEEKEND IS MINE AGAIN!  Yay :)

Lunchtime Musings

I'm sitting here at lunch, so darn happy to be eating a yummy homemade meat loaf, complete with a sauce I made myself from tomatoes grown in my own back yard!  Now that's living!

Ironically, Keto has brought so many foods back into my life that for so long have been "off limits" to me due to my inability to eat grains.  How, you might ask???  Because there is a whole wealth of knowledge out there on how to make familiar recipes in a way that suits the Keto WOE (way of eating).  I literally found the "keyword" of all keywords to search for recipes that suit me.

I feel like I eat better all around because of this diet, and not just to lose weight, but to cook from scratch and all that "natural" jazz.

My favorite zero-glycemic, natural sugar is Monkfruit.  You can get it granulated or powdered, even liquid.  But there are others that I like, too.  Swerve (erythritol), and Stevia extract.  Although Stevia is far from my favorite, it's decent in my pop replacements, Zevia sodas.  If you don't expect it to taste like sickening sweet high fructose corn syrup sodas, then you can better appreciate the taste difference.  I just crave something other than water sometimes!  Zevia has saved me.  Even spaceman drinks Cherry Cola Zevia now instead of Cherry Coke.  That one is my favorite, too.  But I like variety, so I keep many flavors on hand to choose from.  

And with Swerve or Monkfruit sweeteners, I can make just about any kind of dessert and it's yummy. Here my favorites:

• Pecan Pie Clusters - OMG.  These are salable goods.
• Chocolate Chip Cookies.  Yes.  The dark chocolate chips are sweetened with stevia and you can't really tell the difference at all.  The flour is finely ground almond flour.  We keep them frozen and eat them really cold.  But they are also delicious right out of the oven.
• Cheesecake.  Uh huh, this is amazing.  The crust is make from almond flour and pecans.  The Cheesecake is real cheesecake, but with Swerve.  Gawd, I ate so much of this as a pie.  Spaceman was more than happy to help me.  Put a little spray whipping cream and mash up a few raspberries or blackberries with your fork until it becomes sauce-like, drizzle over the whipping cream... yeah.

I have a recipe for carrot cake that I want to try soon.  I could never eat carrot cake before keto!  Grains were OFF LIMITS.  Keto is by definition grain-free.  

The one thing I can't eat is potatoes.  And we planted a LOT of potatoes this spring.  So we have decided to can them, to make them last longer and so that when I get into maintenance mode, I can add some back on occaision.  

So far, I'm down 15 lbs.  I have 10 more to go until my first big goal, 150 lbs.  At that point, I will definitely need new clothes.  As it is now, they are getting rather loose.  I wear them baggy.  But... it's beginning to be an issue... a really nice issue to have. lol

On other fronts....

I'm feeling pretty light and airy in spirit as well.  I listen to Abraham Hicks videos on YouTube frequently and am really enjoying the process of my life moving from suburban to rural in many ways that don't involve an actual move.  Right from where we are, we are learning to homestead as we go.  At first it started out as a suggestion by me to spaceman that we learn everything we can think to learn before we move, so that we have less of a learning curve to handle as we are eyeballs deep in adjusting from our move.  It turns out, there's a lot of enjoyment in learning this, that and the other.  And little things are cropping up (no pun intended), that are clearly demonstrating our alignment with our vortexes. 

The gardening interview I was slated for, ended up with technical difficulties and we had to reschedule.  Because of our travel plans (spaceman is in Virginia for a couple weeks), it's not rescheduled until mid-September.  That's okay.  I am 100% ready for it, and that feels good.  Plus, I will have even more to talk about.  We planted a fall crop of snow peas.  I looked them up; they're not too carby.  I'll be happy to put them in my salads, should they produce.  It's a risk, you know?  It's more risky to grow them in the fall than in the spring, or so I've read.  They can survive an early spring frost better than they can survive an early fall frost.  But, it's doable.  And it's nature's way, to be unpredictable no matter how well we try to time it.  So, they're in and they popped out of the ground like gangbusters.  In a week or less, they're 2 inches tall already.  I may be looking at having to drive the support poles in the ground and drape string between them for support before spaceman returns from Virginia.  The collards are also due for another harvest.  I plan to do that this weekend.  I've never done it myself before, but there's always a first time for everything.  

Well, I've written enough for a lunchtime blog.  So back to work for me.

I hope your week is going amazingly well, and that your dreams are lifting off ready to take you along with them. <3

Right Livelihood

Life seems to be picking up speed, thankfully, in the direction of our dreams.

I re-branded another blog of mine, which had gone unused after its original purpose had been served.  Namely, it was a space where I could unload thoughts and worries as I dealt with the AUD of my loved one.  That's good news, right?  Yes :)  Spaceman hit his 6 month anniversary of being vodka and binge free and also navigated the anniversary of the passing of his brother with flying colors.  We seem to be taking off from that adversary in ways that both heal and feel like rewards.  It's amazing when two people each do their own inner work to eradicate troubles and heal wounds.  And, it makes sense.  We all have pasts that trail us from time to time.  It's good to come together and tackle them as a team. :)

But what's better than even that????

Building a life together around the concept of Right Livelihood.  I think I first heard that term back when I was reading the Conversations With God series.  This is the concept of aligning one's way of earning a living with their Higher Self's purpose.  Spaceman and I have a huge common bond between us where we both greatly value switching to a local food economy and living as sustainably as we can.

So we garden together.  We put our hands in the dirt while listening to the birds and, generally, we spend a great deal of time outdoors together.  Right now, that's a suburban backyard, or a nearby river (fishing!), but our big dream is to move to a more rural setting and set up a road-side produce stand, for starters.  

The dream is much bigger than just that, but we try not to focus too much on the what or how just yet.  We plan to let the Universe sort out the details, draw in the opportunities as we grow closer to actually implementing our plans.  And with the most hindering of issues put firmly behind us, we are starting to feel the excitement of that future.

So I re-branded that website, which I loved the name of, towards gardening topics.  It covers homesteading as well, things like food preservation for now.  What I envision for that website is for it to follow us right into our move and through the establishment of our small farm and farm house.  But for now, it's mostly my garden pictures and a few recipes made with our produce.  

I'm finding the community well established over on Wordpress.  In the way that people come by, comment, and follow, it's quite like my old Xanga days.  Only, the community of Xanga was about spirituality and this one is more specific in nature.  It's just what I want at this time.  In fact, it's brought about one particular opportunity that seems to have jumped out of the woods at me!

It's a leap towards what we want to do with this blog.  I say "we" because spaceman is 1000% on-board with an online presence for our small homestead life.  We see it as a possible future residual income opportunity, if we can build up an audience.  This will also help support our homesteading lifestyle when we get there.  And, why not start NOW?  Why wait?  It makes far better sense to have as much of our learning curve, as much as our support system, up and running smoothly BEFORE we transition into that lifestyle, meaning: before the move.  Because, let's face it: Moving to a potentially unimproved parcel of land will be HARD WORK tailoring it to our needs.  If we can have as much of our life-transition, well, transitioned, before  we head over there, then that's far less a scattered approach to it all and will help us keep our calm, keep our wits about ourselves, and hopefully even greater opportunities will be attracted in (think keeping vibes high/Law of Attraction).  

And so, it is with this spirit of "Git R Done" that we started this gardening blog.  It's really just me who writes it, but spaceman is ever interested and encourages me consistently.  I stepped into that blog with these intentions and low and behold, my first "break" has already come about.  A blog I visited returned the click through to my blog and has asked me for an interview!  The topic is organic gardening, and she says she prefers to interview newby-ish gardeners because she finds many of her listeners (this will be an audio podcast) are also new to gardening and they need to hear the kinds of processes and follies that new gardeners face.  Experts are great for researching things, but they often gloss over the lessons that failure teaches best. 

So, I'm stepping cleanly outside my comfort zone and allowing myself to be recorded in an interview regarding our organic gardening experiences!  I'm nervous, but I do think I will have enough to say.  And worst case, if it turns out poorly, it's not a live interview and can be discarded.  Therefore I am purposefully not mentioning who is doing the interviewing... until I know for sure it's a "go".  At the very least, it's like a job interview, even a bad one is practice for having better ones in the future.  And in the future, I am considering a even stronger online presence in the world of homesteading - so better get used to it, eh? :)

And that's my good news report for today. Hope your day is fantabulous!

Great News!

I just have to pop in and tell you all some REALLY great news.

My daughter just got done with her Asthma evaluation and she reports she "got really high percentages" on her blow out the candles test!  

This has never happened!!!!

Thank you KETO!!!!

She told the nurse what she had been doing and the nurse acted like she was interested in keto because of this!  So cool!

I'm so happy, tears keep welling up.

She probably didn't ask, but I'm wondering if she can wean off asthma meds now?!?!

Fat-Adapted

Learning to cook keto style is not too hard, as long as you know a few tricks. There's a bratt with very little sugar: Johnsonville Beer Bratts. There's a marinara with less sugar, Rao's Homemade Marinara. You can use zucchini instead of noodles, flat or spiraled. Shrimp is carb free! Dry cooking wines are great additions to sauces, just make sure you find a brand with little to no carbs. It's possible! Meijer white cooking wine qualifies. Alfredo sauces can be made with cream cheese, heavy whipping cream and a little shredded parmesan. (I also add that white wine!) "Chips" can be made from baked parmesan piles, or... zucchini discs (which I have the recipe for but having had the chance yet to make). My point is... food on keto is not lacking. In fact, it's delicious! One of my favorite breakfasts, pre-keto, turns out to be a perfect keto breakfast: fried eggs and half a mashed avodaco, mixed up with a little Bragg's Sprinkle and sea salt. mmmmm I made my first lasagna, my first cheesecake, my first pecan desserts, all with keto recipes and I am never lacking for yummy things to eat. The thing is... I'm less and less hungry, so I don't get triggered to go raid the pantry as much. Hours go by and I don't even think about food. I'm SATISFIED. I love this WOE (way of eating). It was so worth the temporary symptoms from my body begrudgingly switching over from carb-adapted to fat-adapted energy production. That's not a fun week or two, but you get through it. You continue onward. And out on this side of being fat-adapted, this WOE rocks! Yummy food, whole food, not feeling starved, easily and consistently dropping weight (I am not even working out yet!), allergies disappeared, acne cleared up quite a lot, don't feel drained after meals, can stay full feeling for hours and hours and hours... and did I mention yummy food??? I feel pretty darn good. And I love knowing that lowering the inflammation in my body HAS to be helping my gut health. My bowels move better. Though I still assist them some, I had been trying that pre-keto and not having consistent success. Now I have consistent and easier success. My lactose intolerance seems GONE (I don't have any low fat milk products -think lactose/dairy sugars- anymore. I've pulled my belt in a notch. The scales says I'm down 10 lbs in nearly 6 weeks, a nice slow but consistent weight loss that should continue. And I just don't have that nagging feeling of, "gawd, I hate dieting!" I can seriously see myself eating this way for the rest of my life, for the most part. I say "for the most part" because I have potatoes and tomatoes that will be harvested soon, and year after year. I won't let them go to waste. They will get canned, pickled and preserved. Then I can crack one open and eat a sparingly. In the future, I intend on focusing my gardening on things that are more keto friendly. I love being fat-adapted! Whowouldathunkit!

Edit: Here's the typical weight loss pattern of Keto...

Home

I'm sitting at the very desk I sat 18 years ago when I first started blogging.  It's the same desk, the same room, the same house... heck, the same town as I grew up.  My life is here.  

But it's not.

I dream of something else...

I dream of a few acres or more of land in the mountains, south facing.   We'll stand on our porch and watch the morning sun rise in the east and set to our right over the horizon.  My house does that, this one that I'm in.  And spaceman's family home where he grew up (and was living before he moved here), that house also faces south... only it's on a mountain already.  

It's a given that spaceman and I will move away first solid chance we get.  And we often talk about how much space we want to grow things and what kinds of things we want to grow.  We talk about the green house, the cellar, the fields and probably most of all: chickens.

What we don't talk as much about is, the house.  Luckily we have similar aspirations in a house, too.  Simple, but not lacking.  

While it's fun to talk about these things from time to time, it's still a ways off.  But something seems to have changed gears lately.  Little things have been manifesting with a faster pace, and more frequently.  And my dreams are no exception.

I find dreams are my favorite tool for gaining self-understanding.  Dreams can be as creative as the creative force of life itself.  Tarot is another favorite, but dreams come easier to me.

The other night I had a really good feeling dream.  That's rare enough, but this one had to do with the house spaceman and I are building.  I'd like to share it with you.

Ready?

(please forgive the broken style of writing, i'm hardly awake when recording dreams)

Dreamt my brother and sisters and I and all our people (kids) stopped at a taco Bell for lunch, to go.  Karen and i split a chicken taco but i said i can't eat the tortilla.  We got separated and i think she ate the whole thing, but whatever. 

I felt like we were all on our way to help someone at someplace.  It didn't feel like me at my new home, but i guess it was cause eventually they all showed up.  but i got there first.  It was the first day we got the keys and i wanted to explore.

There was a fence in the side yard along the main road, way out past the yard, even though there was more yard beyond that.  There was a giant knee board stuck in the fence. in order to pull it out, which i did, i had to also remove two wake boards that were pinning it in there.   I had no idea why they left this behind. i found little toys here and there across the property, not a lot, just a handful, but it was odd.  like you could tell somebody happy had lived here.

Next I turned on the faucet by the fence.  I got busy fussing with those boards again and before I knew it, the yard behind the fence filled up nicely with water and it revealed an edge (bank) that i hadn't noticed before, though it looked like if it broke through over that way the neighbors wouldn't like it. they'd get flooded!  I went to do something else then when i came back the water had all drained out through a little ravine to the left and down a hill i couldnt see beyond.  Bummer, but it had potential.  I remember thinking where did the water go???  Then focusing, I zoomed in on the crack in the dirt where the water ran out.  I then thought, okay and moved on.

People started showing up and wandering around, but so was I.  The house was blue, light faded blue and older but well kept.  It was along a busy road to the front and along the Great Miami River south of downtown Dayton.  The plot was narrow but long, lots of "side yard".  it was open grass to the left and wooded to the right.

The house was compact and had all kinds of little thoughtful cubby holes to store things or reveal hidden sleeping spots by raising a sliding wooden door.  it had playful things in the house and has creative solutions.  I loved this place the more i explored it!

Out back was the coolest.  There was a queen sized canopy bed with muted faded pink & white sheer curtains with one side of the top pulled back so that two people could lay there and look up at the Stars at night. That was my favorite feature!!  I remember thinking, i can't believe they left this behind!

The only thing was... the backyard itself was only a few feet from the bank of the river. it had about a 15-20 ft drop off a (cliff) that was not reinforced. I knew then this is why the house was sold.  For a second i thought about turning around and reselling it....  but I kept wandering the house and finding more cool stuff, and loving it...  I went outside and started taking scenic pictures of it with the river and the sunset, so beautiful.

Don't get too hung up on the end.  It could have been something in our past or something in our distant future.  I'm not going to not live life to the fullest and me in that dream knew that, too.  In the dream, I went right back to admiring the house and surroundings, getting creative, like the house and those who lived there before.  

The house in this dream is a faded shade of my favorite color, blue. It's old, the pink and white sheer curtains are faded out, too.  Why pink? to be honest, I loathe pink, but this was so faded out and it's "small potatoes" in my perspective to the wonderfulness of that bed and canopy... spaceman and I often lay together under the stars at night - GETTING EATEN BY MOSQUITOS. lol

This house had an energy about it that was really good, "like happy people had lived there".  In fact, creativity was evident in the very walls of the place, the cubby holes, the places to hang out and just be.  Toys could be found about from a non perfect house, a lived in house, with kids who enjoyed using their imaginations for play.  The river... well water in my dreams are turbulence or stagnacy or depth or resistance.  But in my waking life, rivers are life!  I think they are all one in the same.  It's the element of water, emotion, in all its manifestations.  We very much want to live next to a river.  

Even the knee and wake boards, and taco bell make some varying degrees of sense.  Dreams start off weird, so Taco bell with the family on a moving day?  Sure, okay. Sets the dream up. The knee and wake boards being stuck in the fence for a really long time?  Maybe people don't have to go riding that river of emotion and turbulence much at this house and they wedged them into the fence to be used for something else.

I think the pond appearing and disappearing is a lesson in how quickly things can manifest, depending on desires.  Again, it's a clear message to my waking self to take the whole dream as fuel and focus for our home.  Our next home will be like this, but this one, where we live right now?  ... it is already become like that in many ways. Every single day feels like that.  And what better way to manifest the home of our dreams than to begin living it when before it becomes reality.

Unexpected Joys

It brings me to tears watching my 18 year old daughter begin to slay her obesity problem.  Ever since I found out about how antibiotics destroy the gut health, and vaccines carry a real cost, too... (She had c-diff at 6 mos old, and tubes in her ears at 7 mos old and Epstein Barre syndrome at 14 mos old.)   Well, I look back at all the antibiotics the docs prescribed her as an infant and see that my going along with status quo medical treatment puts the blame on me just as much as our eff'ed up medical system.  I trusted them.  I was wrong to do so.  And SHE has paid the price all her life with illness after illness, asthma that she has not grown out of, and... OBESITY.  The last one is partially due to her destroyed beneficial gut bacteria and my need to feed my kids convenience foods, being a stressed out single mother.  

Last month I decided to try a particular diet because Dr. Caryolyn Dean, who I am following for advice on my (now gone due to ReMag use) heart palpitations and IBS-C, suggested a Keto-based diet to heal leaky gut syndrome, which I know I have.  I never got around to reading her PDF ebook on it, and so I rushed in the week before my start date to listed to you tube video after video on the subject, frequently out loud after dinner.  

One night that week, my daughter came in the kitchen and sat down to ask me questions about "this diet I'm going on".  I told her to watch some Dr. Ken Berry videos (who I had found earlier that week). She sat there for a long 45 minutes watching videos of her own accord.  I sat there with her as a show of support, even though I had seen all of them already.

She proclaimed that night that she wanted to do the diet with me.  I was SHOCKED, happily!

Fast forward to 2 weeks into the diet... I am down 8 lbs and she is down 13!  She just texted me and said she hasn't weighed that much since her sophomore year in high school.  She's super stoked and REALLY INTO learning and tweaking as she goes along.  She's in FB groups, talking to friends who are also on it.  Each weekend we are cooking meals together, a week ahead.  She's learning to cook from this!  She's learning to cook with whole foods!  She's given up pasta and bread and sweet tea!  She's gaining maturity in how she approaches food.  

I could not be more proud of her! <3

And it brings me to tears feeling like I'm helping her get back what I caused her to always do without, her health.  She doesn't blame me.  But it's so amazing to be able to help reverse what's wrong with my child.  She has a long way to go, but she is walking the talk, facing her setbacks, and it's also bringing us a little closer as she learns to "adult" as well.

So happy!

Keto!

Oh my gosh, yeees... bed. :]

Day two of my bone broth fast went much better than yesterday.  Yesterday was... challenging.  I was really hungry all day, and just the thought of continuing with no food except bone broth was so darn depressing... more so as the day went on. I finally broke down and opted for a keto breakfast for dinner about 8:30 pm.  So today I had decided I would do exactly the same.  And knowing that made all the difference.  I lost 2.2 lbs after day 1 on the fast.  And I knew I would weigh less on day 2 because I peeked at the scale halfway through day 1 and I actually weighed less than I did that morning. That never happens on a normal day.  

Anyway, I also had far less brain fog today.  I felt it start to creep in about noon, but I powered through it.  I spent the morning deciding on the ready-made meal I would have on-hand (a meat and side item) and some desserts (fat bombs).  On keto, fat is good.  

During the afternoon, I went to the local farm to get chemical free, free-range eggs (2 dozen because I plan to make some hard boiled to have on salads and just as a snack).  There's also 4 other people in this house that might eat eggs.  But I also plan to eat a fried egg (in coconut oil) with avocado for breakfasts.  I often eat that anyway.  It's just right now I don't have a good recipe for a morning smoothie, keto approved.  I had to give up my sweetened chocolate almond, banana, and frozen fruit smoothies.  

Then this evening, I cooked:
- 2 whole chickens with poultry seasoning I also mixed up.  We had this before and Ashley (who is doing keto with me) loves this recipe
- cauliflower mashed potatoes, with garlic scapes, garlic, bone broth, coconut oil, and tarrow - EVERYONE loved this one, even the non-keto folks in the house.
- cheesecake fat bombs
- peanut butter cup fat bombs

The fat bombs are made from butter, coconut oil, some weird sweetener that has zero whatevers, 100% dark chocolate or cocoa, amish peanut butter (just peanuts) and whatever other ingredients I can't recall at the moment.  We froze them in either mini muffin pans or silicon ice cube trays.  I do NOT like the 100% dark chocolate... but maybe I will grow to enjoy them.  

Spaceman worked on pricing garage sale items for the community garage sale that he's participating in Thu-Sat.  We don't ever get much traffic here.  My street is out of the way, but he tries.  I detest garage sales. I try to stay out of his way and am happy to take stuff to donate instead.  He's much more thrifty than I am.  When he was done with that and tending to the garden a little, he came into the kitchen to help lick bowls and cut the chicken up to put in serving size containers.  Ashley and I each have 3 ready-made meals and more dessert fat bombs than we would want to eat.  I also still have some raw, soaked, & seasoned almonds drying out in the dehydrator.  That was super expensive, organic raw nuts.  I don't think I'll be doing that very often.  Even though I thought I bought plenty.  They don't look like much on the drying tray.

We got nothing done on the bathroom this weekend.  Oh well.  I was a mess yesterday and today I had to do everything I had planned to do yesterday, today, and then today's stuff.  I'm whooped and thankful spaceman came in to help me divvy up the meals into separate containers.  We also saved off the giblets, bones and broth from cooking the chickens.  He says he will make lentils with the broth.  I plant to make my own bone broth with the gizards and bones, no matter how gross that sounds.  I am doing it to heal my leaky gut. I would rather be a vegetarian.

And if anyone knows a keto-friendly "batter" for catfish deep frying... please share.  I forgot to make my catfish meal before I ran out of time and started this diet!

I'm also looking for good salad dressing alternatives... no sugar, keto-friendly oils (olive, avocado or coconut).  Right now I plan to mash an avocado and salt it for a creamy dressing.  I don't know anything else and I'm not really a fan of olive oil, unless something can mask the taste.

That's it for now.  It's bedtime.  :)

a wandering free-write

This place (blogger), kinda feels like home. It's nice to have somewhere I feel I can just be myself as I type.  It's very much appreciated.  New places to write are stressful.  I like it here with you all.

Life feels pretty good lately.  ...for a while now actually.  It's so fucking ordinary and yet so dam sweet too.   Not perfect... never perfect.  But perfectly of the energy and connection that called out for me.  I absolutely do have the love I came here to be with.  We did meet, and we did end up together.  That alone I thank existence for, daily.

Spaceman is in the bathroom caulking the tub/shower surround he just put up.  I helped, but just assisted.  Mostly, I cleaned up as it went along and handed the right tools or a paper towel, whatever was needed.  He did the measurements, the cutting, the gluing, the shopping for supplies.  

The air conditioner is on. I hear it running in the living room, but I've purposefully left the sliding glass back door open.  It just finished a summer-feeling shower and the birds are chirping in refreshment.

I'm drinking my mineral water, the kind I filter and mix up myself.  We use a Big Berkey water filter with the add on fluoride filters.  I add ionic minerals (ReMag & ReMyte) and a little sea salt, for trace minerals, and measure out 64 oz of it into a big jug each night for the next day.  In general, I am getting a lot more water than I used to.  And it has replaced drinking more teas or sugary drinks.  

In this way, my health has been better.

Our garden is da bomb. I'm telling you, I'm really happy with the joint effort we put into it and the solid healthy and sensible reasons we choose to do things the way we do out there.  I love sitting and watching YouTube videos on gardening when I need to learn about a subject.  One or two might be not exactly what I'm looking for - and sometimes I don't even know what I'm looking for before I start - but I usually find my answers... then spaceman and I discuss it and then go for if, if we decide to at all.  

Doing the seedlings with grow lights, that was MY idea though lol.  I'm the one who is always wanting to grow things from seeds.  And they turned out GREAT this year.  Spaceman is raving over the sturdy tomato stalks. lol  

We live such an exciting life, I know. lol (sarcasm)


Spaceman is now over at the kitchen table digging through a big bowl of day old popcorn, looking for the "half crunchy ones" he says.  He's a popcorn freak.  And it bothers me not.  I can't really eat it, but don't care that much for it anyway.

At some point this evening I'm going to have to make a run over to my sister's house to take a shower. (ours is under reconstruction)  I'm supposed to go over to a friends house, planned 3 weeks ago, and a shower is a must.  My friend hasn't texted yet though.  Maybe she won't???  I would rather stay in, but I know that's just because I always prefer to stay home with spaceman.  He's the same way, so it's not really a problem.  But yeah, I find it much harder to be social these days. I'm just so damn happy with this phase of my life.  And damn it, I was social for my whole life, I can delve into this without guilt.  It's pretty sweet anyway. <3

How would you feel if the man you loved showed he loves you more than alcohol?  And I was in love with him like this long before any of that was revealed.  Our getting together has been healing for him in especially that way.  It feels damn amazing to be with someone who walks their talk and is self-motivated to be aligned and to understanding of this world.

It's almost as if there's this key... or maybe it's a bridge, a 1000 bridges, a quadrillion...

When the soul becomes balanced or sensitized enough to what's really going on around them... well, awareness begets awareness.  But it's harder than it talked about.  Because right action must also be in balance in one's life.  Spaceman showed me right action and emotional capacity, with never giving up even when feeling lost (and it did come close).. he showed me love.  He showed me the value in myself.  his struggle was my struggle, but in my own ways.  I feared I would never have the ability to understand why some people did what they do... any people.. no one particular, but everyone.  People.  We do some stupid shit for love sometimes.  Sometimes it really isn't healthy.  

But the stars aligned when we came here, so that we could be together again.  There are so many signs of that... a shared soul purpose... and we mirror one another in an untold myriad of ways... but mostly it's just every day ordinary.  

The wind has kicked up out back.  It's coming in gusts every now and again.  But the birds are still cheep'in and the TV muffled from the other room plays some anime cartoon in another language...

Everything is ordinary here.  I have a home life and the home is alive with sharing.