This Place We're In

Two Monday's ago, the anniversary of spaceman moving in came and went, with some private celebration of course. ;)  Two years.  Two full years.  And we have been through a LOT!  And yet, here we are, still together, still kickin', still... well better than ever. <3

Yesterday he started his first job since moving in.  We had a deal.  He would get one when he was good and ready, and no sooner.  Screw what everyone else thinks.  This is OUR life together, not theirs.  And that's how we rolled.  I make plenty, and spaceman has not been the only soul I have invited into my home with or without a job through the years.  I currently have an extra 19 year old living with us as well.  This is not a burden.  This was a solution to unspoken concerns.  I have no complaints, other than when I find the common areas left a mess - and that's usually my own kids who have done it.  

But yesterday was momentous because it started yet another new chapter in spaceman and I's lives together.  He's been through the wringer, and together we transcended.  

While he was working yesterday, I felt inspired to make some notes of it in my private journal.  When I opened it up, I saw it had been nearly a year since I had last made an entry.  After writing my happy entry, I read backwards through the posts from a year ago.  Yowzers.  It's amazing the difference a year can make. <3

A year ago we were on the brink of calling it quits due to his addiction.  There were fights that weren't intended but unavoidable, there were threats to call it quits, and then there were a series of breakthroughs that, though they started as emergencies, they ended with new beginnings.  Its funny how you can be so close to turning things around and not be able to sense it.  Turn it around we did. <3  Addiction is hell, but healing from addiction was surprisingly swift for us.  Of course for that I have spaceman to thank.  He did the inner work.  He dealt with the very real struggle.  HE DID IT.  I was just there for encouragement, love and a soft landing.  

It was so sweet to read through those heart-wrenching entries, to feel the reminder of just how bad it was back then, but to feel just how equally solid and promising things are now.  Back then I couldn't imagine how I could ever get this "issue" behind us.  Even if he healed, I figured our relationship would always be somewhat damaged from this.  But it hasn't been like that at all.  

Sure, it took time.  Sure, I was hard pressed to trust for a while. But he was as patient with me as I had been with him, and I needed that.  After he put that poison down for the last time (we call it "that bitch!" for humor), it took more than just days, or week, even months, for me to trust again... always looking over my shoulder so-to-speak.  "Just in case" I needed to keep my vigil.  But it was that same vigil that was now getting in the way.  Real healing was happening and I gradually began to see it... to feel it.  Periods of time began slipping by when I didn't think to check for bottles or count his pills to make sure he took them.  And in realizing it, I began to relax.  And in relaxing, I found true peace again.  Healing each of us was a separate journey in many ways.  But healing automatically lifted the stressors that had plagued us for so long, and we naturally came full circle back into our cherished state together.  

Honestly, it didn't take long.  Healing grew into fullness quickly for us.  In a few days it will be 8 months since he quit that bitch.  Things are really taking off.  All those dreams I thought I would have to give up, they're still here with us. We are going after them. <3  I'm one happy chic.  He's shown me that even through his trigger days (anniversaries of x, y, z), he's got this licked.  He's 100% capable of traversing those days without going off the deep end.  It was that bitch that was screwing him every time.  She's no friend of ours.  

I feel like the luckiest girl on earth.  How many people can say their loved one beat addiction for them?  Not as many as there should be anyway.  I AM lucky.  And I learned a great deal along the way, for myself.  You see, I'm a runner.  When the going got tough, I bolted.  It was like that since my early dating days.  If I heard a rumor a boy was cheating on me or about to break up, I broke up first.  Even in my thirties, after a failed marriage and not having problems finding new love interests, none of my relationships lasted longer than 3-6 months on average.  I always came away from them feeling like I screwed it up again.  Even with spaceman the first time around, even with him!!!  

But through the ordeal with him last year, I discovered I had it within ME to stick it out.  I found that I could be the person I thought I never could.  I found compassion beyond desirability.  I found out what it's like to be in the shoes of so many others.  And I faced that addiction right along side him.  I don't know what it's like for others who have been through it.  But I know what it was like for us.  Even when the love is grand, and mutual, it strips you bare and beats you down until you feel like you can't continue.  

Reading those words from a year ago... while they brought back emotions I never want to feel again, they also reminded me of just how far we have come.  I am the luckiest girl alive.  My man got his shit together for me.  Yes, he did it for himself, and for his family, and for me... but he wouldn't have done it without me.  Somehow I was key in this process for him.  And that feels amazing.  I am brought to tears each time I think about it.  If I have done nothing else of value in my life, there is still this.  And if he ever works another day in his life, there's still that.  

I often think of those memes that remind us, "You never know what's going on in someone else life.  Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about." ---or something like that.  For spaceman and I, most of my family doesn't even know what we went through last year.  I've just told them he has been dealing with some things, which was true.  And so I'm super proud of how much progress he's made in this past year.  This new job is a milestone of sorts.  He's going to be great at it.  And now we can move even faster towards our dreams, and any qualms anyone ever had about me living with a guy who doesn't work... well they can go fuck themselves! hahaha  Yep, that's pretty much how I feel about it.  Spaceman needed some space, some serious space for a long while.  I was privileged to be able to provide it for him.  And he's long been on the comeback.  We are both stoked and ready to take on the world, and stronger than ever, because of what we have been through together.