It's said that life proceeds in cycles. Like a spiral growing larger as it climbs ever upward, life brings us through the seasons of our lives, distilling wisdom through experience... whether we listen to it or not.
Lately, there seems mounting evidence that my life is, yet again, not only taking on new structures but requesting I leave some of the familiar ones behind.
As much as it just makes plain old common sense that I would be feeling such tensions during a life change such as is involved in joining lives with someone - sometimes it feels like a suspension bridge that's falling apart as I walk across to the other side of a rocky, lush valley. One by one the planks release and fall away, sometimes in fits and sometimes in giggles.
There seems to be enough steam built up in the process by now that there's really no going back. And what would be the point in that anyway??? I have no desire to turn back time and regain what seems to be falling away from my life. Although nostalgia for "the good old times" does tug at my heart strings, overall, I am not about to risk spiritual regression just to taste what I've already tasted before. Nope.
With one eye up ahead and the other watching my next step, there's no going back. And with the planks falling out right behind me, there would be nothing to step back to even if I tried. Those days are starting to feel like other phases of my past... "lifetimes within lifetimes" I have often called it. A new "lifetime" has commenced.
Mostly I am speaking about friendships. But more accurately, I am speaking about a certain degree of modus operandus. For years everyone has known me as single and a good friend. I'm the one they call when they need someone to listen, really listen. And I haven't minded listening all this time. I really have enjoyed those friendships through the years. But something is changing on a level that feels organically fundamental to the phase that is now dawning, and it seems to be asking me to, at the very least, reevaluate what's worth continuing to foster and what's best left to see if it survives into the future.
This is my time to shine. It's also my time to roll up my sleeves and get busy with the sometimes gritty work of polishing my own self. No one has ever challenged me to be a better person as much as the person I am now uniting my life with. And yet there is no requirement put upon me that I let anyone go from my focus. There is simply a clarity gained that helps me see past the reasons I have long held to continue relating with certain folks.
Until now, being single afforded me the luxury of overlooking poor behaviors in some, as I saw fit. But now, those same poor behaviors affect more than just me. And if they cause a strong aversion in my SO, they are worth re-evaluating their merit in my life as well. That's where my priorities lay, not out of obligation, but instead out of taking cues from someone I admire greatly and looking at each triggered situation with re-opened eyes.
So much else is changing as well. Why hold on to that which is attempting to drown me? Not me. I'm keenly aware that I have my limits and that, usually, I do not ever see the actual point at which I will stand up and say "NO MORE"... but I DO know that when I reach it, it will be plainly obvious. And when enough of those happen in a relatively short period time, it signals to me that a new phase is dawning and I should be a little bit easier on myself through the process. *I* matter, too. And cleaning house is always good every once in a while. Why not now? :)
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Monday, October 24, 2016
The Little Dog
An update...
We found out the results of the testing. Little Bones does have Cushing's Disease for sure. This is not a huge surprise, as something was clearly wrong.
It's an endocrine disrupting condition. It's the reason why he's peeing, a LOT. He can't help himself. He's incredibly thirsty and basically over-drinking water, obsessively. He's also pretty itchy, as it has effects on his skin. I tried for years to get him help for his itchy skin, but they never found the cause... until now.
This, on top of a diagnosis of a crushed trachea, which will degenerate over time as well. He's currently 7 in human years, and relatively active again.
But... and here's the tough part. The cost. Cushing's Disease treatment is relatively expensive. The initial vet appointment was $163 (not including the vet appt 3 weeks prior to diagnose the crushed trachea). The test all by itself was $247. Three weeks of meds for Cushings is $50, but then they need to test him again to see if it's the right dose. Then a possible dosage increase for 2 more weeks, then another test, then a final dosage assigned. Meds can be up to about $98 per month.
I did the math. It's not in the budget. If it was my kid, of course it would be in the budget. It sucks that I have to put a price on little Bone's life like this. We will be considering having him euthanized. How horrible is that?!? In all reality, he WILL be euthanized eventually... due to his crushed trachea. I don't want him to suffer, and eventually he WILL suffer. Right now, we are suffering with cleaning up large pee messes 2 and 3 times daily. I have all wood floors, but... it's a constant mess and a hazard. The floor is SUPER slippery when wet. My daughter has fallen badly a couple of times... on her knee... which we had operated on a year ago. I can't increase her risk either.
I know what my logical mind would do. But my heart needs more time to process it all........
We found out the results of the testing. Little Bones does have Cushing's Disease for sure. This is not a huge surprise, as something was clearly wrong.
It's an endocrine disrupting condition. It's the reason why he's peeing, a LOT. He can't help himself. He's incredibly thirsty and basically over-drinking water, obsessively. He's also pretty itchy, as it has effects on his skin. I tried for years to get him help for his itchy skin, but they never found the cause... until now.
This, on top of a diagnosis of a crushed trachea, which will degenerate over time as well. He's currently 7 in human years, and relatively active again.
But... and here's the tough part. The cost. Cushing's Disease treatment is relatively expensive. The initial vet appointment was $163 (not including the vet appt 3 weeks prior to diagnose the crushed trachea). The test all by itself was $247. Three weeks of meds for Cushings is $50, but then they need to test him again to see if it's the right dose. Then a possible dosage increase for 2 more weeks, then another test, then a final dosage assigned. Meds can be up to about $98 per month.
I did the math. It's not in the budget. If it was my kid, of course it would be in the budget. It sucks that I have to put a price on little Bone's life like this. We will be considering having him euthanized. How horrible is that?!? In all reality, he WILL be euthanized eventually... due to his crushed trachea. I don't want him to suffer, and eventually he WILL suffer. Right now, we are suffering with cleaning up large pee messes 2 and 3 times daily. I have all wood floors, but... it's a constant mess and a hazard. The floor is SUPER slippery when wet. My daughter has fallen badly a couple of times... on her knee... which we had operated on a year ago. I can't increase her risk either.
I know what my logical mind would do. But my heart needs more time to process it all........
Friday, October 21, 2016
Four Weeks In (Already!)
Tomorrow marks four weeks since spaceman arrived in a U-Haul truck with all his belongings, unloaded, and merged his life with ours. It’s as good a time to reflect as any.
We made this decision back in February, a full seven months prior, so that three things could be accomplished. First, I needed to lovingly have my brother move out, which meant giving him plenty of lead time and control over his process. That, I did. That, he did. Second, I wanted to also give my kids and I a couple of months to readjust on our own, without my brother and without yet introducing spaceman into the household. This turned out to be a wise, wise decision. Sweet and slow was key. Third and certainly not least, was that spaceman also needed time to ease his parents into his not only moving out, but leaving the state… this meant he would not be around anymore to perform the physical work their home and property needs, as well as caring for them in a variety of ways. To me it made sense that if he planted a garden there in the spring, then he should be there to see it through to its tear down. So late September ended up being our move-in date.
During those seven months of lead-time, he often asked me to imagine what I thought it would be like in these first few weeks of adjusting to our new living arrangements. It was a big leap! Having had a long-distance relationship up until the move-in, we had bitten off a larger chunk to chew than, say, a couple that has been dating locally for a while and therefore have had numerous opportunities to experience nuances and all that jazz. So while we made it a priority to travel and visit one another as often as we could during those seven months (4 visits!), we still had very little “in-person” time together before we made that particular leap.
We knew there would be a somewhat awkward period of time in these first few weeks. New habits, new routines, new privacy rules for our bedroom regarding the kids… a new person in the house who is completely up-rooted and trying to make positive, lasting connections with everyone else in my formerly single-mother household. It’s a LOT to bite off and holding space for these to blossom is the key. And even under the best of situations, these things take time to develop.
Thankfully, the settling is going very, VERY nicely.
I love sleeping with him. I mean, I love actually sleeping all tangled up together. It’s clingy. It’s accepted, encouraged, wanted. Nobody does clingy as well as Cancers… and apparently, this Aquarius. Makes no sense AT ALL! I love it. In the past, I've always had a terrible time sleeping next to anyone new or in any new situation. But with him... I love to feel his naked skin up against mine as I drift off to sleep. I love the way he holds his hand atop mine as my arm curls around his chest... our legs intertwined, his feet flexed to meet mine. When I'm away from him through the day, this is what I miss. My body has grown attached to the presence of his.
And let me tell you, no one I know is having better sex than we are right now. lol Quality, I tell ya! QUALITY!!
Aaah heh… last weekend we attended a house-warming/birthday party at my sister’s new house and had our first occurrence of someone assuming we were married. It was kind of sweet, that awkwardness. Now that’s something else we had occasionally pondered during those long seven months…. And the way things are going so far… perhaps someday that will be in the cards… ;) All I can tell you is that, every single day, I love this man more and more than I thought possible. He shows me such TLC that it puts not just every other man to shame, but every other person!
Last week my car broke down on the highway downtown during rush hour traffic and had to be towed. The shop bill was $630; he insisted on paying all of it. This week the brakes froze up. He paid for those parts and he and my brother (with my dad flitting about) fixed them. Yesterday he found my littlest dog unable/unwilling to get up out of his cage in the morning, something obviously being wrong with him. He cleaned up the pee and vomit messes he found from the dog and sat with him, petting and consoling him until I could get ready for both work and taking the little guy to the vet. Before we left, and thinking the vet might give me the worst news – that he was sick enough to put down – I cried… and he held me while I cried. I have trouble recalling ever having cried while being held and consoled by a man before (other than a family member). Let me tell you… there’s something extremely bonding in that experience. I missed him like crazy all day at work yesterday, like crazy!
This man takes such great care of me in every way I might need or want. He says it is his just the tip of the iceberg, these displays of affection, these ways in which he shows his love for me. He says he cannot possibly convey it with words alone, and I will see in time, all the love he has reserved for me, including caring for my family like his own. His love and selfless caring is my biggest and best role model for how to love others in the ways they need to be loved and supported. In this way (and many others), he supports me spiritually. I am truly blessed by his presence in our lives, truly.
~~~
P.S. The little dog is doing much better. He’s being tested for Cushing’s Disease today, something treatable, though not curable.
Monday, October 03, 2016
My Love in Eat, Pray, Love
It
happened again. Saturday afternoon my
best friend texted me saying her guy was going out of town…. And we both knew
what that meant. It’s been a long while
since we had some much needed girl-talk, I told her to come on over for a
bonfire. I even told her I’d have some
Captain Morgan’s waiting for her. She
readily agreed and said she would be over after 8 PM. Done deal! Ready to go!
But it
turns out I have seriously NO shame when it comes to sex with spaceman. After admittedly a few too many drinks
sitting bar-side watching the Ryder Cup with him, we found ourselves back home
again and, of course, behind locked bedroom doors.
Turns out
there’s a reason why couples who tie the knot take a honeymoon. We are discovering first-hand how intense
that first week together can be.
Although we didn’t tie any official knots, we are both committed to one
another indefinitely. To grow old
together is exactly what we want.
So… things
were kickin’ in the bedroom and spaceman whispers to me, “I think someone’s in
the livingroom.” To which through my
tantalized disposition I replied, “They’ll go away.” SMH..
Now, I do
recall saying that. But at the time, I
thought it was one of my kids – to be ignored lol. Forty minutes later I discovered the text,
“Where are you? Kozar and Bonz want to
party with me ….but I told them we had to wait for their humans.” Yup, it was my best friend, who has been used
to just walking in and I guess expected me to be more, um, available to noticing
her there. Lol But yeah… it didn’t
happen. I was 3 sheets to the wind and
thoroughly enjoying my evening “fun”.
When I texted her back, she laughed it off and told me she was no longer
lurking in my living room, having abandoned our plans to relax on her own. Egads.
What could I do? This is the
second time something like this has happened to spaceman and I. The first time was with my sister, who also
walked in our home…. Albeit that time her visit was unplanned.
Maybe I
should put a sign up on the door to “Friends and Family: Please use the
doorbell. Thank you.”
And it’s
only going to get worse (*ahem, better*) because last night, Sunday night, he
unlocked something fierce between us.
Did you
know you can orgasm from chakra manipulation?
In theory, I’m sure I believed it possible. But believing it possible and believing it
possible for me are two entirely different things.
…
We’ve been
exploring chakras a little here and there.
But somehow the practice must have progressively loosened things up in
me. As I sat cross-legged on the bed
facing him, he hovered his hand about 6-9 inches away from the core of my
body. Usually his hands have been much
closer, even resting upon my stomach.
But this time his hand happened to traverse across this invisible sphere
where it instantly pulled me into focus.
An incredible amount of energy flared to life in an instant, like a
pulling of everything outward, inward, but in a flow that felt very much alive. How can I have sensation OUTSIDE my body like
that? As if it were a part of me! He wasn’t touching me; his hand was parallel
to my body, but not touching! The whole
sensation pulled from within my body but expanded beyond, and my brain – though
it understands chakras can expand in size – just cannot seem to process this
information. There’s a visceral feeling
that just cannot be put into words.
Both of us
being empaths, we can feel one another, bounce it back and forth between us,
building while playing. Last night as I
sat there and his hands intensified the energy pouring through me… he began
moving from one chakra to the next. Like
a water droplet has this cohesive factor that makes it want to be round when
formed and growing thinner when being pulled apart, his hand moving from one
chakra to the next thinned one blissful emotion just to begin picking up the
next, then leaving the former behind.
One at a time, slowly at first, then faster, he played my chakras like
an accordion. It felt like magnetic
emotional energy shifts, the quality of each chakra could be distinctly and
evenly experienced… all in a blissful
state of their own.
This went
on for what could have been hours or minutes, I couldn’t keep track and I
didn’t care either.
Several
times, I recall really feeling such a deep amazement and profundity… HOW can
this be POSSIBLE? WHAT are you DOING to
me???
And then I
felt the irony, some deep irony that made me giggle. And laugh I did, right through every chakra
as he continued to peruse them all, again and again.
After
laughing so much, we relaxed a bit and I took stock of how I was feeling… quite
blissed out, and I told him so. Every
chakra has its own flavor of blissfulness.
To read about it is one thing… but to feel it…. WOW!
This was a
meditative state for certain. Maybe it’s
Tantra. I don’t know. We’re just
stumbling into this, but it’s so powerful.
And he can feel what I feel, albeit to some degree muted,
second-hand. But it’s there.
It wasn’t
long before we were back at it, only this time it culminated into his timely
twisting of my second chakra which sent me curled into convulsions…. WITHOUT touching my physical body, I
definitively felt him make the twisting motion OUTSIDE of myself, which
immediately sent me into an involuntary state of existence. I don’t really have the words for this. It was orgasmic.
I feel
changed. Being with him is a revolution.
Being with
him has always felt amazing. From the
beginning, we’ve had incredibly dreamy, subliminal sex. And I am not one who any of my ex-boyfriends
would ever have termed “super sexual” AT ALL.
Willing, perhaps yes. But capable
of fantastic sex, nope. Average was all
I ever had before. But with spaceman….
We have had what was clearly simultaneous sexual intercourse experiences while
wide awake and 5-6 physical hours apart by car.
What we have is not anywhere near what I could term as “normal”. And I’m grateful. I could never willingly reproduce this. It just IS.
And it’s beyond wonderful.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Kablam!
Be careful what you ask for, right?
Well, I wanted time off work to spend with spaceman... wrote about that in the morning, and then an hour or two after lunch I became nauseatingly ill. After using the restroom to no relief, I sat back down at my desk with my head in my hands, rubbing my face and forehead. After resting that way a while longer, I looked back at my computer to continue investigating some code versioning differences. But I could not think straight. My gut was sending my mind and emotions in loops. Green, I walked in my bosses office, told him I was going to be sick and asked if I could go home. He said yes, and home through the not-yet-rush hour traffic, thirty minutes north. Driving the highway while nauseous is not recommended, but I managed to make it home without pulling over.
I wanted to be home spending time with spaceman, but yeah, not quite in this way!
I pulled around the corner to my street and could see him running the weed-whacker around the driveway. Bump-bump, bump-bump the tires hit the curb as I pulled in and shut the car off. Laden with my laptop backpack, purse and keys, I turned to him and said "I'm not feeling well." And as if he might not have heard me, "I'm sick". Continuing on into the house, I pulled off my work clothes, threw on a big shirt and climbed into bed.
With a pillow over my eyes partially blocking my view, I saw him walk into the room and stand beside my bed to better greet me. I don't think he heard what I had said out front and came in to inquire.
After asking me what he could do (there really was nothing), he crawled in bed with me and reached for my hand and held it for a while. I rested as best I could. And he fell asleep. (of course lol) I would find out later that he had a massive headache about the time I had driven up. Our individual well-beings seem to be synced somehow.
It's been noticed by both of us at one time or another. Either he or I will be telling the other how we've been feeling and the one listening will feel as if the one talking could be describing one's own feelings. Still, we could never just reach out and take the other's hand when we lived 3 states away. Conversations through technology just cannot take the place of good old-fashioned touch. But now... we are four days into the beginning of our new life living together.
After some rest my nausea finally dissipated, the gastrointestinal stress finally moved into the less bothersome intestines. We laid there as he told me some of the things he had done in the yard since I left for work this morning. Not only did he mow, he trimmed the yard, pulled weeds, picked up and swept the deck, and that doesn't even count what he did to the front yard where I had found him edging the driveway. I had tunnel vision when I was heading into the house, and I haven't yet been out there to look. The landscaping has been a mess and I suspect he made a dent in that as well.
Now, when I tell people he's been spending all his time taking care of his aging parents, this is the sort of thing he's been doing, and way more.
And yesterday when I came home from work, dinner was done, table set. Everything was something I can eat, with regard to my grain intolerances.
[pause, bedroom door is opening...]
And that was just him. He had been off to the store and back for an ingredient and was "piddling around the house" as he called it. He cracked open our bedroom door to see if I was awake... and what wafts in??? Garlic spaghetti aromas... mmmm. And mine will be made with spaghetti squash since I can't eat pasta (gluten-free or not).
I swear! If this is a dream please DO NOT wake me! I have never been this spoiled and I just want to enjoy this for a while. :) :) :)
Which brings me back to what prompted me to open the laptop and write... enjoyment.... I was laying here in bed, having drifted to near sleep with a book partially open in my hand. The windows are wide open and the birds are chirping too numerous to count. Off in the distance the consistent muffled roar of the highway is only heard if I remember to listen for it. But what woke me was the gentlest breeze, one that would gracefully billow the sheer curtains, if I had them. It rushed past my face and sent me reminiscing about days like this. You know, the ones that never seem to come often enough, so rare, that it takes the next one happening before the last one comes to mind again. It's been 18 years, my previous somewhat comparable moment. But nothing is quite like this one, and I cannot imagine a better one, sick or not sick.
Well, I wanted time off work to spend with spaceman... wrote about that in the morning, and then an hour or two after lunch I became nauseatingly ill. After using the restroom to no relief, I sat back down at my desk with my head in my hands, rubbing my face and forehead. After resting that way a while longer, I looked back at my computer to continue investigating some code versioning differences. But I could not think straight. My gut was sending my mind and emotions in loops. Green, I walked in my bosses office, told him I was going to be sick and asked if I could go home. He said yes, and home through the not-yet-rush hour traffic, thirty minutes north. Driving the highway while nauseous is not recommended, but I managed to make it home without pulling over.
I wanted to be home spending time with spaceman, but yeah, not quite in this way!
I pulled around the corner to my street and could see him running the weed-whacker around the driveway. Bump-bump, bump-bump the tires hit the curb as I pulled in and shut the car off. Laden with my laptop backpack, purse and keys, I turned to him and said "I'm not feeling well." And as if he might not have heard me, "I'm sick". Continuing on into the house, I pulled off my work clothes, threw on a big shirt and climbed into bed.
With a pillow over my eyes partially blocking my view, I saw him walk into the room and stand beside my bed to better greet me. I don't think he heard what I had said out front and came in to inquire.
After asking me what he could do (there really was nothing), he crawled in bed with me and reached for my hand and held it for a while. I rested as best I could. And he fell asleep. (of course lol) I would find out later that he had a massive headache about the time I had driven up. Our individual well-beings seem to be synced somehow.
It's been noticed by both of us at one time or another. Either he or I will be telling the other how we've been feeling and the one listening will feel as if the one talking could be describing one's own feelings. Still, we could never just reach out and take the other's hand when we lived 3 states away. Conversations through technology just cannot take the place of good old-fashioned touch. But now... we are four days into the beginning of our new life living together.
After some rest my nausea finally dissipated, the gastrointestinal stress finally moved into the less bothersome intestines. We laid there as he told me some of the things he had done in the yard since I left for work this morning. Not only did he mow, he trimmed the yard, pulled weeds, picked up and swept the deck, and that doesn't even count what he did to the front yard where I had found him edging the driveway. I had tunnel vision when I was heading into the house, and I haven't yet been out there to look. The landscaping has been a mess and I suspect he made a dent in that as well.
Now, when I tell people he's been spending all his time taking care of his aging parents, this is the sort of thing he's been doing, and way more.
And yesterday when I came home from work, dinner was done, table set. Everything was something I can eat, with regard to my grain intolerances.
[pause, bedroom door is opening...]
And that was just him. He had been off to the store and back for an ingredient and was "piddling around the house" as he called it. He cracked open our bedroom door to see if I was awake... and what wafts in??? Garlic spaghetti aromas... mmmm. And mine will be made with spaghetti squash since I can't eat pasta (gluten-free or not).
I swear! If this is a dream please DO NOT wake me! I have never been this spoiled and I just want to enjoy this for a while. :) :) :)
Which brings me back to what prompted me to open the laptop and write... enjoyment.... I was laying here in bed, having drifted to near sleep with a book partially open in my hand. The windows are wide open and the birds are chirping too numerous to count. Off in the distance the consistent muffled roar of the highway is only heard if I remember to listen for it. But what woke me was the gentlest breeze, one that would gracefully billow the sheer curtains, if I had them. It rushed past my face and sent me reminiscing about days like this. You know, the ones that never seem to come often enough, so rare, that it takes the next one happening before the last one comes to mind again. It's been 18 years, my previous somewhat comparable moment. But nothing is quite like this one, and I cannot imagine a better one, sick or not sick.
Accolades
Ever just CANNOT concentrate? for weeks, maybe months???
That's me lately.. and it's baaaad.
I now have a very attentive man at home who is crazy in love with me and I'm STUCK HERE AT WORK. *cries*
This is yet another one of those times when I really wish I had more than a measly 2 weeks of vacation time from work each year. Every time I ache for some additional downtime from work, I get angrier at society. I know I have a choice in how I react, but after 18 years in my career field THAT SUCKS. I think I have 2.5 days left for this year, and I'm always "saving it for a rainy day" in case I need to take time off, that is difficult to "make up" by week's end. BUT... at least I have that flexibility, to shift my schedule around somewhat. I do have privileges that others would completely appreciate. I should STFU, eh? It's not all bad. But seriously...
SPACEMAN IS HERE!!!!
He arrived with all his stuff on Saturday afternoon, just as planned. Last February we decided to move in together and this weekend it happened! We planned appox. 6 mos for this transition and it took slightly more, but couldn't have been better planned and executed. The kids (20 & 17) are beyond accepting... one might even say helpful and encouraging. Certainly two young adults/teens could be quite the obstacle if they had chosen to be, but they aren't. They see how happy he makes their momma and truly do want me to be happy. They are both cooperative, communicative and welcoming (each to their own degree lol). And so far, the picky girl child has eaten what he has been cooking (phew!). And let me tell you... While I have microwaved and sometimes attempted recipes, this man can cook! From SCRATCH! But I knew that already. ;)
Most of all, we went to bed early-for-us last night. It was SWEET! lol For a year I have been up until midnight or 1 am talking on the phone or messaging with him and yesterday I came home from work, dinner was on the table, THE TABLE WAS SET (such simple things amaze me lol), and the food was more than one dish. After that we piddled, went to the grocery to cover the next few days, then came home and piddled some more before turning in... get this... EARLY. We're like an old married couple now lol. It was great! So normal and that is incredible by my standards. I've never been able to experience that before. I'm 42 and have been a single (aka: struggling) mom for nearly half my life, 17 years anyway.
And while these (not so) little things are dearly cherished, I get the whole package with spaceman... hit the mega millions lottery, if I may use that comparison. I feel rich. I feel incredibly blessed. I know just how lucky I am to be in love with someone who is so openly in love with me as well. I don't know how life orchestrated all this, but we both have the feeling it's been lifetimes upon lifetimes in the making. This is our awards ceremony.
It's just the beginning. We have so many things we want to do together, complete with lists we've started lol. I don't want to miss out on anything. Dark sky park? Why yes! A countryside train trip... a beach walk at night with the ocean AND stars pulling simultaneously... maybe even a trip to Tibet and India. <3 But first... first we just merge our lives, day by day, find our groove. And I couldn't be happier than that!
That's me lately.. and it's baaaad.
I now have a very attentive man at home who is crazy in love with me and I'm STUCK HERE AT WORK. *cries*
This is yet another one of those times when I really wish I had more than a measly 2 weeks of vacation time from work each year. Every time I ache for some additional downtime from work, I get angrier at society. I know I have a choice in how I react, but after 18 years in my career field THAT SUCKS. I think I have 2.5 days left for this year, and I'm always "saving it for a rainy day" in case I need to take time off, that is difficult to "make up" by week's end. BUT... at least I have that flexibility, to shift my schedule around somewhat. I do have privileges that others would completely appreciate. I should STFU, eh? It's not all bad. But seriously...
SPACEMAN IS HERE!!!!
He arrived with all his stuff on Saturday afternoon, just as planned. Last February we decided to move in together and this weekend it happened! We planned appox. 6 mos for this transition and it took slightly more, but couldn't have been better planned and executed. The kids (20 & 17) are beyond accepting... one might even say helpful and encouraging. Certainly two young adults/teens could be quite the obstacle if they had chosen to be, but they aren't. They see how happy he makes their momma and truly do want me to be happy. They are both cooperative, communicative and welcoming (each to their own degree lol). And so far, the picky girl child has eaten what he has been cooking (phew!). And let me tell you... While I have microwaved and sometimes attempted recipes, this man can cook! From SCRATCH! But I knew that already. ;)
Most of all, we went to bed early-for-us last night. It was SWEET! lol For a year I have been up until midnight or 1 am talking on the phone or messaging with him and yesterday I came home from work, dinner was on the table, THE TABLE WAS SET (such simple things amaze me lol), and the food was more than one dish. After that we piddled, went to the grocery to cover the next few days, then came home and piddled some more before turning in... get this... EARLY. We're like an old married couple now lol. It was great! So normal and that is incredible by my standards. I've never been able to experience that before. I'm 42 and have been a single (aka: struggling) mom for nearly half my life, 17 years anyway.
And while these (not so) little things are dearly cherished, I get the whole package with spaceman... hit the mega millions lottery, if I may use that comparison. I feel rich. I feel incredibly blessed. I know just how lucky I am to be in love with someone who is so openly in love with me as well. I don't know how life orchestrated all this, but we both have the feeling it's been lifetimes upon lifetimes in the making. This is our awards ceremony.
It's just the beginning. We have so many things we want to do together, complete with lists we've started lol. I don't want to miss out on anything. Dark sky park? Why yes! A countryside train trip... a beach walk at night with the ocean AND stars pulling simultaneously... maybe even a trip to Tibet and India. <3 But first... first we just merge our lives, day by day, find our groove. And I couldn't be happier than that!
Monday, September 19, 2016
Batch Cooking for the Week Ahead
After some post alarm clock grumblings this morning, I am kind of thankful for a day of sitting in front my computer simply working. ...or writing. Yes, it's lunchtime, so I'm writing.
Lunch is sauteed cabbage and red peppers with kielbasa. I've made this three and four times since spaceman was out here in mid August. I cannot get enough sauteed cabbage! For some reason, it REALLY does my body good (not like milk).
This past weekend, though it was slated to be "finish purging the bedroom and bathroom" weekend, actually ended up being mostly a "batch cooking" weekend.
My daughter, a senior in high school, is in the obese category and we are trying, repeatedly, to learn more interesting cook-from-scratch and batch-cooking recipes. She's picky, very picky. That meal pictured above.... she WON'T even taste it... because it has red peppers in it. Sweet, delicious, YUMMY red peppers!!! *smh* Someday perhaps she will... (I hope).
Anyway, just to give you an idea of how involved this whole batch cooking is...
We bought a paleo book and companion cookbook. We each spent time going through the recipes, putting stickies on pages of recipes we want to eventually try. This was a month or two ago. haha This past week, I told her, pick out a couple meal recipes and a dessert, make an ingredient list, and I'll go shopping after work Friday to pick it all up. Then Saturday, we'll cook after her soccer game. Sunday I planned to work on purging my room.
Did you know Whole Foods is a MAD HOUSE on Friday evenings??? Yes. I think there were, not one, but TWO wine tasting stations in the store as I walked the aisles not knowing where these obscure ingredients would be. Having resisted standing in line for wine, I checked out at $122. I suppose that's not too bad considering it IS Whole Paycheck (as a friend of mine, Tidbitz, likes to call it). Still, I didn't find a couple of items that I was sure I would also not find at my local grocery (Whole Foods is near work, not home). So I scampered off to Health Foods Unlimited to see if I could find those, and I did.
The goal had been to get all the grocery shopping done Friday night. It didn't happen. By the time I arrived home with the "expensive groceries" after my long commute, it was 8:30 PM and I was NOT unloading, putting away, and heading off to the local grocery for rest of our list (cheaper there).
Saturday morning came peacefully though, and I made some scrambled eggs with tomatoes from the CSA (community-supported agriculture co-op). After a quick shower and throwing on some comfy clothes, I was off to meet the girl child (who had left earlier) at the soccer field to watch her game and, inadvertently, met her boyfriend's father for the first time when I "happened" to sit next to him on the sideline.
After the game she and I planned to split up. She would tackle washing the dishes that had piled up since the dishwasher quit actually cleaning dishes, and I would tackle that last grocery trip. After spending too much time and an ungodly amount of $ at Meijer, we were already running short on time to do "all day cooking". So... we pushed it back to Sunday, my cleaning day. *sigh*
Fortunately my older sister, who has a huge case of what she calls "basement-itis" showed up to both go through my garage sale boxes of books for titles she may want to take and to help me with my bedroom. She's a Type A Goddess, I tell ya! We made major progress, and I feel my room is now "reasonably" ready for spaceman's arrival (THIS) Saturday. Except, the house still needs cleaned...
So Sunday, FINALLY, cooking day arrives!
And here's where the story gets visual... photos!
Lunch is sauteed cabbage and red peppers with kielbasa. I've made this three and four times since spaceman was out here in mid August. I cannot get enough sauteed cabbage! For some reason, it REALLY does my body good (not like milk).
This past weekend, though it was slated to be "finish purging the bedroom and bathroom" weekend, actually ended up being mostly a "batch cooking" weekend.
My daughter, a senior in high school, is in the obese category and we are trying, repeatedly, to learn more interesting cook-from-scratch and batch-cooking recipes. She's picky, very picky. That meal pictured above.... she WON'T even taste it... because it has red peppers in it. Sweet, delicious, YUMMY red peppers!!! *smh* Someday perhaps she will... (I hope).
Anyway, just to give you an idea of how involved this whole batch cooking is...
We bought a paleo book and companion cookbook. We each spent time going through the recipes, putting stickies on pages of recipes we want to eventually try. This was a month or two ago. haha This past week, I told her, pick out a couple meal recipes and a dessert, make an ingredient list, and I'll go shopping after work Friday to pick it all up. Then Saturday, we'll cook after her soccer game. Sunday I planned to work on purging my room.
Did you know Whole Foods is a MAD HOUSE on Friday evenings??? Yes. I think there were, not one, but TWO wine tasting stations in the store as I walked the aisles not knowing where these obscure ingredients would be. Having resisted standing in line for wine, I checked out at $122. I suppose that's not too bad considering it IS Whole Paycheck (as a friend of mine, Tidbitz, likes to call it). Still, I didn't find a couple of items that I was sure I would also not find at my local grocery (Whole Foods is near work, not home). So I scampered off to Health Foods Unlimited to see if I could find those, and I did.
The goal had been to get all the grocery shopping done Friday night. It didn't happen. By the time I arrived home with the "expensive groceries" after my long commute, it was 8:30 PM and I was NOT unloading, putting away, and heading off to the local grocery for rest of our list (cheaper there).
Saturday morning came peacefully though, and I made some scrambled eggs with tomatoes from the CSA (community-supported agriculture co-op). After a quick shower and throwing on some comfy clothes, I was off to meet the girl child (who had left earlier) at the soccer field to watch her game and, inadvertently, met her boyfriend's father for the first time when I "happened" to sit next to him on the sideline.
After the game she and I planned to split up. She would tackle washing the dishes that had piled up since the dishwasher quit actually cleaning dishes, and I would tackle that last grocery trip. After spending too much time and an ungodly amount of $ at Meijer, we were already running short on time to do "all day cooking". So... we pushed it back to Sunday, my cleaning day. *sigh*
Fortunately my older sister, who has a huge case of what she calls "basement-itis" showed up to both go through my garage sale boxes of books for titles she may want to take and to help me with my bedroom. She's a Type A Goddess, I tell ya! We made major progress, and I feel my room is now "reasonably" ready for spaceman's arrival (THIS) Saturday. Except, the house still needs cleaned...
So Sunday, FINALLY, cooking day arrives!
And here's where the story gets visual... photos!
Even though rain threatened in the distance, we decided we didn't have enough time to bake EVERY recipe in the oven back-to-back. So, we put two out on the fire, well... on some charcoal in the fire pit.
The man child dusted off his scouting skills and built, tended and determined when those dishes were finally done.
Yes, we have a pallet mostly burned. I'm still working on that. ;) Rest assured, we don't cook over burning chemical-laden pallets.
Yes, we have a pallet mostly burned. I'm still working on that. ;) Rest assured, we don't cook over burning chemical-laden pallets.
I lost track of time, so I really can't even tell you how long the pot roast was in the dutch oven over the coals.
The second recipe to be slow cooked over coals was sweet potato wedges, which we foil packed.
Mmhmm, pot roast. This dish was INCREDIBLY delicious, although, I'm not a fan of beef.
This was some kind of flat bread made out of, I think, tapioca starch. The girl child was in charge of all the recipes, and that included telling me what she needed me to do next. I may have read a part of one of the 5-6 recipes we made yesterday, but that was it. She was the chief cook. This one... she wasn't impressed by. I, on the other hand, cannot eat grains, so I kinda liked it. I'm slightly deprived.
This one was basically pork chops and apples, but with some fennel, too.
There was another recipe of chicken thighs with a hand-mixed spice rub. THAT WAS REALLY GOOD, but I have no photo. :(
And last but not least, for our immediate consumption, some soaked & grilled, CSA-grown corn on the cob.
And that, my friends, was enough to wear me out!
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Tuesday Blatherings
Spaceman reads my blog posts. I keep telling him he can comment, but like most, he simply lurks. It's all cool; he "comments" to me over the phone or in chat (FB Messenger). We will spend hours meandering across untold related and not-so-related subjects. It's fascinating all these conversations we continue to have day in and day out.
I jested about the possibility, after full disclosure happens, of one day getting my hands on all our NSA-recorded phone conversations, so I can transcribe some. There could very well be a book in there somewhere. lol
But... well, I'm pretty sure we will always be deep into something or another and therefore no need to pine for any one particular outcome of our time together (such as becoming an author). We could get into many things! One thing we have majorly in common is gardening... simple but not so simple gardening. I'm more the simple type. He's... well he's more the prepper type! When he moves here, he's bringing some of his "stores" of canned food. By that I mean stuff he grew organically and canned himself.
My suburban back yard is not exactly up to the task of continually supplying that amount of produce to can and rotate into our diet. Perhaps then, the CSA will remain in our lives. That's another thing we haven't discussed yet. Will we supplement with the CSA produce still? I do want to make some improvements to the gardening situation here...
Sometimes I dream of having a little local CSA-like produce venture with him. I'm not sure yet, though, how "into it" I really am. I mean, ideally, I know I am 100% on board with grow-our-own-food efforts, but I don't know... well a lot of things... A) I want to get totally debt free B) I want to live on farmable land! C) we don't know what direction or form our joined aspirations will take. But we feel a little farming, or big gardening, is definitely in the works. A big operation has too many questions associated with it just yet, so we will only bite off what we can chew for now. Our focus will be elsewhere at first.
The first few years will be us tidying up things here... getting my kids into full-blown adulthood and on their own and generally doing whatever is needed to be ready to step into our next phase of life together... doing the things we want to do with our lives, whatever that may end up being. Then we will move and go full blown into that.
It's exciting to have a partner with common aspirations. We will make a good team together. I'm a team player, he's someone I can put my good faith and trust in. His ideas are good ones, ones I can get behind. I don't need to lead, and after being a single mom for 17 years... I'm kinda ready to join forces, accept help, be open to a supportive relationship with someone else, to being a co-creator rather than the sole decision-maker of my family. I can do this with him (which is hard for this independent, strong-minded girl) because I have the utmost respect for his ideas, methods, ethics, tactics, and wisdom (just a few items from his long list of admirable traits).
I am seriously the luckiest girl on this planet, maybe beyond. I don't cite, word-for-word some of the truly humbling and wonderful words he says to me, because, for one, it's mostly verbal these days instead of written (which is why I want the NSA recordings! lol) and I'm not very good at word-for-word recall. Instead, all you get is all my gushing, and not much of his perspective or input in this.
In a way, it doesn't matter because it's an impossible task... to relay the depth, the intricacies of our complimentariness. New word. ;) I do wish, however, that everyone could experience this at some point in their lives. And therefore, there *is* this desire to attempt to explain from time to time. It always falls short. *shrugs*
Enough blabbering, back to work for me!
I jested about the possibility, after full disclosure happens, of one day getting my hands on all our NSA-recorded phone conversations, so I can transcribe some. There could very well be a book in there somewhere. lol
But... well, I'm pretty sure we will always be deep into something or another and therefore no need to pine for any one particular outcome of our time together (such as becoming an author). We could get into many things! One thing we have majorly in common is gardening... simple but not so simple gardening. I'm more the simple type. He's... well he's more the prepper type! When he moves here, he's bringing some of his "stores" of canned food. By that I mean stuff he grew organically and canned himself.
My suburban back yard is not exactly up to the task of continually supplying that amount of produce to can and rotate into our diet. Perhaps then, the CSA will remain in our lives. That's another thing we haven't discussed yet. Will we supplement with the CSA produce still? I do want to make some improvements to the gardening situation here...
Sometimes I dream of having a little local CSA-like produce venture with him. I'm not sure yet, though, how "into it" I really am. I mean, ideally, I know I am 100% on board with grow-our-own-food efforts, but I don't know... well a lot of things... A) I want to get totally debt free B) I want to live on farmable land! C) we don't know what direction or form our joined aspirations will take. But we feel a little farming, or big gardening, is definitely in the works. A big operation has too many questions associated with it just yet, so we will only bite off what we can chew for now. Our focus will be elsewhere at first.
The first few years will be us tidying up things here... getting my kids into full-blown adulthood and on their own and generally doing whatever is needed to be ready to step into our next phase of life together... doing the things we want to do with our lives, whatever that may end up being. Then we will move and go full blown into that.
It's exciting to have a partner with common aspirations. We will make a good team together. I'm a team player, he's someone I can put my good faith and trust in. His ideas are good ones, ones I can get behind. I don't need to lead, and after being a single mom for 17 years... I'm kinda ready to join forces, accept help, be open to a supportive relationship with someone else, to being a co-creator rather than the sole decision-maker of my family. I can do this with him (which is hard for this independent, strong-minded girl) because I have the utmost respect for his ideas, methods, ethics, tactics, and wisdom (just a few items from his long list of admirable traits).
I am seriously the luckiest girl on this planet, maybe beyond. I don't cite, word-for-word some of the truly humbling and wonderful words he says to me, because, for one, it's mostly verbal these days instead of written (which is why I want the NSA recordings! lol) and I'm not very good at word-for-word recall. Instead, all you get is all my gushing, and not much of his perspective or input in this.
In a way, it doesn't matter because it's an impossible task... to relay the depth, the intricacies of our complimentariness. New word. ;) I do wish, however, that everyone could experience this at some point in their lives. And therefore, there *is* this desire to attempt to explain from time to time. It always falls short. *shrugs*
Enough blabbering, back to work for me!
Sunday, August 28, 2016
The Undertow
We're down to four weeks out..
In 4 weeks we will wake up as life companions.
There's something huge and pulling about that... pulling, like the sea waves returning in the void, back towards the sea, the next wave forming.
It's like the calm of the hurricane eye or the bow drawing back just before being launched. It's a gentle tug calling you back, causing pause to look around, consider what's come before... before what comes, appears. Stopping to look around, taking in the scenery, understanding the depth, significance and potential.
And feeling the presence of the unknown becoming more dominant, allowing that sense of walking on floating ice and reaching for thoughts that soothe the mind into adjusting to the new norm. The body will feel all that soon enough. After that, you're back into the storm, riding that wave to wherever it rolls up onto the land... into the earth, onto stabilizing ground.
Something about this big event is scary to me. It's certainly far beyond any relationship commitment I've given, at least not since my divorce 16 years ago. And it doesn't matter that divorce has become commonplace; its effects still leave scars in the hopeful hearts of the young and idealistic. When the very definition of commitment somehow is wrenched apart from the experience of marriage... well, it's quite like Humpty-Dumpty and cannot be put back together again... at least not in the same innocent way as before.
And I know that this is not marriage that I'm stepping into, but it's certainly everything that comes along with it, minus that legal declaration. We are joining lives together with the full intention of living out the rest of our days together. There will be no celebration, like occurs with a marriage. In that sense, the world will not recognize our union in every way. But sheesh... have you really seen the world lately??? I mean there are "truths" within truths, falsities within shielded realities, and he and I live within knowledge we must pretend doesn't exist. But within our connection is a bond greater than any society could recognize and declare. So to me, this is when we join together as one. This is when we exercise daily, having one another's backs. This is when our hearts mend in a way that is both unintended and natural in result, because we were both happy enough on our own. But together... together we realize a magnetism that puts the other first and thus unintentionally and naturally heals rifts and scales ridges that our first marriages never could have.
And so the water races backwards, the bow pulls taught, the wave fluxes opposite, and we are setting up to go where we haven't yet been before.
And I'm looking for the examples, the role models, the guideposts. Because, I don't intend to mess this up. I feel there is a serious change forthcoming, a basic mode of operation, for me. Watching him navigate through his world is an inspiration to me. He is the most compassionate, insightful, driven, loving, service-to-others man I have ever known. And the fact that he is so all-encompassing in that AND he's truly happy while going about it all... well, he's definitely an every day yogi to me. And I aspire to more of that. I aspire to do what's needed with such little resistance, with joy in my heart. Being the passionate, self-indulgent type, I envy his selflessness. And I see that in his perspective, he's being selfish in that doing all those things makes him feel good.
And that's just one way in which I admire this man. He calls himself a country hillbilly, and that he is. He grew up playing all day on the wooded mountain where his family home sits, built into the side. A stream flows straight downhill just feet from the house. Looking out from standing on the front porch, the neighbor's two-story house across the street is all below the elevation of the porch. Sitting out back on that porch, the mountain looms steeply above any view of the sky. It's a canopy of nature. This past week he was sitting out back shooting off a 20 gauge or some such gun to scare the crows away from the corn in his garden. Granted, that's not an everyday occurrence. But if somebody shot off any kind of gun in my neighborhood there would likely not only soon be police, but charges filed. And to him, I am a city girl. Only, I "have country in my heart" and he's lived in bigger cities than I ever have. We're flexible. Most of all, we're compatible.
And he loves me for who I am, not despite it.
That was my number one condition for future relationships, something I decided with the utmost conviction after my separation and divorce so long ago. It's also why I broke up with R when that was hot and heavy. He hid his born-again christian life and beliefs from me and it ripped my heart out when I realized how sincerely he had been trying not to judge me, because... ultimately, he saw me as a fascinating soul who was testing his faith. As soon as I found out, I reluctantly broke things off with him and that meant my own heart was broken as well. I needed to be loved for who I am, not despite it.
And then there was Jeff. He wanted me to "always stay just the way you are". My heart sank at that comment, offered so sweetly, so sincerely, and yet... so soul-crushingly. "Just the way I am" is something he could not conceive. And yet I loved him already by then, too. When little things to me became big things for him, I knew it was time to cut our ties. Doing such a thing is not easy. It may be the "right action" but it hurts to break bonds like that, even if I am the one to initiate it. But time has also proven it out. Although he was a super insightful, powerfully positive influence in the lives of those he loved, he was not the one for me either. In the end, I screamed into pillows and bled until it slowly stopped hurting again.
There were others. They didn't last as long or burn as bright, though I loved them in the flavor of each of them. And that's just it. I always loved them to their level of loving me, but I never got to love them to my own, as purely myself. Hell, my Self was still trying to pop fully through!
And that's why back then, between R and Jeff, when I met spaceman, not only was *I* not ready enough back then for what we had in store with each other... neither was he. We look back on it now and see all the trip wires laying about and laugh at our former selves for all the shit we psychologically rained upon ourselves through guilt or rougher personality traits we would have had no real chance of reigning in even if someone had spelled it out for us back then. And the thing is, neither of us ever blamed the other for our undoing. We each walked away with the utmost admiration for the other, not to mention a few traits and qualities to work upon, each on our own.
Yes, there was a quiet period, a period of radio silence, if I may use that analogy. There were also other relationships we each happened upon and jumped into. For him, it was a love grand enough to jump into, in a way we had once envisioned for ourselves. For me, it was far less successful, and yet, love Jeff, I did. In time though, one of us (spaceman or I) reached out to the other and our letters simply did not stop. There were lullls through the years, but there was so much cherishing of one another's friendship in those letters. Lifetimes could have gone by and we would still have picked up just where we had left off.
There is a grand sense that Spaceman has always been with me since the time we met. And soon we will be together-together, instead of together-apart. This long-distance thing moves, after 11+ years, into the realm of every day, day-t-to-day, hour-to-hour existence. And I can't wait. In some ways, this eye of the storm, this bow pulling back, this particle riding a wave, is slowing time annoyingly. But at the same time, I'm using the pause for framing. This pause is not in effort to check to see if I need to run (I don't, wouldn't, perhaps couldn't), it's to look around and appreciate. It's also to recognize there will always be uncertainty in the face of the unknown, especially if we focus just on the unknown. But by looking at the known, too, I know, for instance, that spaceman loves me like like no other, and he has proven it consistently over and over and over through all these long years. My fairy tale is coming true. And I cannot even begin to express to you how truly amazing that feels.
In 4 weeks we will wake up as life companions.
There's something huge and pulling about that... pulling, like the sea waves returning in the void, back towards the sea, the next wave forming.
It's like the calm of the hurricane eye or the bow drawing back just before being launched. It's a gentle tug calling you back, causing pause to look around, consider what's come before... before what comes, appears. Stopping to look around, taking in the scenery, understanding the depth, significance and potential.
And feeling the presence of the unknown becoming more dominant, allowing that sense of walking on floating ice and reaching for thoughts that soothe the mind into adjusting to the new norm. The body will feel all that soon enough. After that, you're back into the storm, riding that wave to wherever it rolls up onto the land... into the earth, onto stabilizing ground.
Something about this big event is scary to me. It's certainly far beyond any relationship commitment I've given, at least not since my divorce 16 years ago. And it doesn't matter that divorce has become commonplace; its effects still leave scars in the hopeful hearts of the young and idealistic. When the very definition of commitment somehow is wrenched apart from the experience of marriage... well, it's quite like Humpty-Dumpty and cannot be put back together again... at least not in the same innocent way as before.
And I know that this is not marriage that I'm stepping into, but it's certainly everything that comes along with it, minus that legal declaration. We are joining lives together with the full intention of living out the rest of our days together. There will be no celebration, like occurs with a marriage. In that sense, the world will not recognize our union in every way. But sheesh... have you really seen the world lately??? I mean there are "truths" within truths, falsities within shielded realities, and he and I live within knowledge we must pretend doesn't exist. But within our connection is a bond greater than any society could recognize and declare. So to me, this is when we join together as one. This is when we exercise daily, having one another's backs. This is when our hearts mend in a way that is both unintended and natural in result, because we were both happy enough on our own. But together... together we realize a magnetism that puts the other first and thus unintentionally and naturally heals rifts and scales ridges that our first marriages never could have.
And so the water races backwards, the bow pulls taught, the wave fluxes opposite, and we are setting up to go where we haven't yet been before.
And I'm looking for the examples, the role models, the guideposts. Because, I don't intend to mess this up. I feel there is a serious change forthcoming, a basic mode of operation, for me. Watching him navigate through his world is an inspiration to me. He is the most compassionate, insightful, driven, loving, service-to-others man I have ever known. And the fact that he is so all-encompassing in that AND he's truly happy while going about it all... well, he's definitely an every day yogi to me. And I aspire to more of that. I aspire to do what's needed with such little resistance, with joy in my heart. Being the passionate, self-indulgent type, I envy his selflessness. And I see that in his perspective, he's being selfish in that doing all those things makes him feel good.
And that's just one way in which I admire this man. He calls himself a country hillbilly, and that he is. He grew up playing all day on the wooded mountain where his family home sits, built into the side. A stream flows straight downhill just feet from the house. Looking out from standing on the front porch, the neighbor's two-story house across the street is all below the elevation of the porch. Sitting out back on that porch, the mountain looms steeply above any view of the sky. It's a canopy of nature. This past week he was sitting out back shooting off a 20 gauge or some such gun to scare the crows away from the corn in his garden. Granted, that's not an everyday occurrence. But if somebody shot off any kind of gun in my neighborhood there would likely not only soon be police, but charges filed. And to him, I am a city girl. Only, I "have country in my heart" and he's lived in bigger cities than I ever have. We're flexible. Most of all, we're compatible.
And he loves me for who I am, not despite it.
That was my number one condition for future relationships, something I decided with the utmost conviction after my separation and divorce so long ago. It's also why I broke up with R when that was hot and heavy. He hid his born-again christian life and beliefs from me and it ripped my heart out when I realized how sincerely he had been trying not to judge me, because... ultimately, he saw me as a fascinating soul who was testing his faith. As soon as I found out, I reluctantly broke things off with him and that meant my own heart was broken as well. I needed to be loved for who I am, not despite it.
And then there was Jeff. He wanted me to "always stay just the way you are". My heart sank at that comment, offered so sweetly, so sincerely, and yet... so soul-crushingly. "Just the way I am" is something he could not conceive. And yet I loved him already by then, too. When little things to me became big things for him, I knew it was time to cut our ties. Doing such a thing is not easy. It may be the "right action" but it hurts to break bonds like that, even if I am the one to initiate it. But time has also proven it out. Although he was a super insightful, powerfully positive influence in the lives of those he loved, he was not the one for me either. In the end, I screamed into pillows and bled until it slowly stopped hurting again.
There were others. They didn't last as long or burn as bright, though I loved them in the flavor of each of them. And that's just it. I always loved them to their level of loving me, but I never got to love them to my own, as purely myself. Hell, my Self was still trying to pop fully through!
And that's why back then, between R and Jeff, when I met spaceman, not only was *I* not ready enough back then for what we had in store with each other... neither was he. We look back on it now and see all the trip wires laying about and laugh at our former selves for all the shit we psychologically rained upon ourselves through guilt or rougher personality traits we would have had no real chance of reigning in even if someone had spelled it out for us back then. And the thing is, neither of us ever blamed the other for our undoing. We each walked away with the utmost admiration for the other, not to mention a few traits and qualities to work upon, each on our own.
Yes, there was a quiet period, a period of radio silence, if I may use that analogy. There were also other relationships we each happened upon and jumped into. For him, it was a love grand enough to jump into, in a way we had once envisioned for ourselves. For me, it was far less successful, and yet, love Jeff, I did. In time though, one of us (spaceman or I) reached out to the other and our letters simply did not stop. There were lullls through the years, but there was so much cherishing of one another's friendship in those letters. Lifetimes could have gone by and we would still have picked up just where we had left off.
There is a grand sense that Spaceman has always been with me since the time we met. And soon we will be together-together, instead of together-apart. This long-distance thing moves, after 11+ years, into the realm of every day, day-t-to-day, hour-to-hour existence. And I can't wait. In some ways, this eye of the storm, this bow pulling back, this particle riding a wave, is slowing time annoyingly. But at the same time, I'm using the pause for framing. This pause is not in effort to check to see if I need to run (I don't, wouldn't, perhaps couldn't), it's to look around and appreciate. It's also to recognize there will always be uncertainty in the face of the unknown, especially if we focus just on the unknown. But by looking at the known, too, I know, for instance, that spaceman loves me like like no other, and he has proven it consistently over and over and over through all these long years. My fairy tale is coming true. And I cannot even begin to express to you how truly amazing that feels.
Monday, August 08, 2016
Transmution of Air to Fire
I feel like, somehow, fire came into my life.
This post was brought on by Sadhguru's message about the element of Air in Vayu – The Element of Air:
"The idea of taking charge of the element of air is to bring about health and an instant sense of wellbeing. If you activate vayu and it reaches a certain peak, naturally agni or the fire element will follow to some extent – maybe to twenty-five to thirty percent. If you have mastery over the element of air, the element of fire will partially come along with it. A lot of people lack fire, which is a big problem in life. They may do things, but nothing will come out of it. Once the fire is on, you are much better than the way you were. Though fire only makes up a small percentage of the human system, in many ways, it is everything. It also gets you closer to the subtle element of ether."
There was a stripping down of how I experience myself over the past 6 years or so... I cannot believe it has been 6 years since I was laid off! Certainly there was a deeply rough patch in there, and somehow it stripped me through dealing with so much SHIT that wore me down ("if it's not one thing it's another") and caused serious depression and anger for a long period of time. I'm through all that now. But because of it, and without my personally intending for it to do so, this period in my life shed parts of my persona that I wasn't looking to release. And in the empty space bubbled up a drastically more authentic expression of my core being. The effects started showing before I realized what was going on. It was only through hind-sight that the new pattern became apparent. I am more firey, and frankly, I love it.
The crazy part is, looking back over the entirety of my life, I see that "fire" somehow has been expressed in one form or another throughout. When I was a child it made me stubborn to my preferences. As a young adult, it made me argumentative to the n-th degree. That, I own as part of my first marriage's demise. In time, I whittled away at not only biting my tongue but, in time, simply not feeling my buttons pushed so easily by others - because I "chose" to react more wisely. But even this "intended" self improvement was not enough to bring about the effects that the crumbling of my life invoked. That was something much bigger than I could or would have chosen for myself.
But it happened anyway, and ironically (or not so ironically if you, like me, do not believe in coincidences), who I experience myself to be CHANGED.
I laugh more readily. I see the irony in things, even inappropriately so at times. I am far less likely to participate in "shoulds" and I enjoy my life far more. I seem to be instantaneously more "myself" than ever before. It even surprises me when stuff comes flying out of my mouth before I "think before I speak". But fortunately, I can usually trust what comes out, which is definitely far different from the me I used to be. I was so unintentionally saddled by my inhibitions. Inhibitions be damned now! And I love it. :)
^from a Google search
Most people say this is just part and parcel to growing older and, hopefully, wiser. I know this to be be something far deeper than just that, though it's that, too. Although I am 90% air (astrologically speaking), there is more fire these days, and it's expressing spontaneously... burning with much less smoke, much less destruction. I am thankful for this. And I cannot be merely thankful for the result without also being thankful for the causes. Although, I really don't want to rehash all the pain and misery that rippled changes throughout my and my kids' lives for the period of time. Please just know that it was INTENSE and unrelenting for a period of time. I'm so glad it's over, and yet I'm so glad it happened. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but then again I might consider wishing it on the world if the world could come out as shiny as I feel. Sometimes I feel like the world needs such a cleansing. BUT, I don't assume others actually need such drastic measures to come to similar or better results. What worked for me, does not necessarily need happen for others. I do wish the world, everyone in it, could find themselves a little more at ease within themselves. (Actually, I'm sure there are a great deal of us who ARE experiencing this.)
Monday, August 01, 2016
Purging
I'm bummed.
It's been so long since I've written in a particular Word document file, which I was using as a journal for several years, that I forgot the password I had changed it to use a couple months back. I can't get into my own file. :(
Mondays. They're all the same. I'll try again on any other day of the week, preferably NOT in the AM... and maybe... just maybe the password will come back to me. *crosses fingers*
~~~~~
I'm not really sure what's primarly on my mind this morning. Mostly that because it's more a jumbled set of feelings, none of which are establishing as dominant. For this too, I blame Monday mornings. What I do know, is, I miss writing. I've been way too busy with work lately to pause and purge. And when I do get some free time, I've been doing more mind-numbing activities like sleeping or gaming. Sleeping is better than gaming, no doubt. But Skyrim is kind of fun. My 19 year old and I are playing, not together, but alternating turns. He of course, is way ahead of me. And honestly, I have no real desire to catch up. Mostly, I look forward to spending my time in other ways... like more time with spaceman.
We have about two months left before we are what I term as "together-together" (you know, rather than "together-apart"). I am slowly purging my house, getting rid of 17 years of accummulated stuff. "Stuff" was cluttering things. I want spaceman to show up here with his U-Haul of his own things and walk around and find plenty of clear spaces to ingetrate his own things... things like paintings, books, crystals, closet space, anything... everything that needs a new space to be.
The garage was in the WORST shape, so in order to bite off more than I could chew in any one day, I started there. A glutton for punishment, I am. It took me about 3 full days of work, over a month or so, to get the job "done". Done is relative, because there is still a tall stack of empty boxes my mom wants and can't take just yet, along with another huge area full of stuff she insists on selling in a garage sale. I told her if she does the garage sale, she can have the money from it. I don't do garage sales. I think spaceman does... which I now know, but I had already told her that before I knew. So... anyway... those two piles will sit there, probably until sometime this winter or next spring (bleh). My parents currently have not only my displaced brother (he moved out a month or so ago) and my older sister, her hubby and their two cats all living with them. My sister is having a house built (near me) and it probably won't be ready for another three months. So, the garage over there is stacked full to the ceiling, quite literally. Hence, the back up in my own garage. But, at least it's sorted. The only other "area" of stuff that's not in a permanent place on a shelf yet is my 19 year old's stuff he is accummulating to move out one day. I can't get to the space where it will go until the stack of boxes and garage sale stuff is gone. *sigh* So, I call the garage "done"... for now. It looks amazing otherwise, relatively speaking. And as overwhelming as it felt to commence that project, it feels soooooo much better in there now, and I kinda miss hanging out in the garage, "working" there. Spaceman and I may turn it into a a creative space where we can paint and he can work on furniture projects or whatever else.
There was a lot of boxes of books, CDs, DVDs, knicknacks, etc in the garage that belong in the house. So those got carried in and plopped down in the room they belong, where some still sit - awaiting my attention.
Yesterday I tackled the living room... the books, CDs, & DVDs. We no longer have a TV in the wall unit of shelves and glass showcases. I put a huge aloe plant in a ceramic pot in the open space where a TV goes. I went through movies and music, tossing some into the garage sale boxes. But mostly I purged my book collection. I just kept the books that had the most impact on me through the years. The rest will be A) picked over by my older sister, B) sold in the garage sale, or C) donated. I had several boxes of books; now I can fit what I kept into one box. But, they'll go on a shelf somewhere. Spaceman has a bunch of books, too. I wanted room for his.
I didn't get to the point of putting the books I kept ON the shelves. Mostly they are sitting on the coffee table. I ran out of time. I had a dinner invite over at a friend's house, so the boy child and I ran off before I finished. There is another healthy stack of books on a dresser in my room that I also want to purge and relocate to the living room. That will be next. Oh yeah, I also purged the hall closet and moved boxes and other memborabillia out of my bedroom closet and into the hall closet. Eventually I will make another pass at purging my clothes so that I can turn over half my closet to him. That's going to be tough lol. I've been single and spread out in my dressers and closets for 17 years. It feels good to purge, even if it's a lot of work. I think my bedroom is going to be the last area I purge.
After finishing the books, I'll do the family room. That should be easy. All that's in there is a TV on a small TV stand, a shelf that needs to just go bye-bye altogether, and some boxes full of decorating knick-nacks. Some of those items are cool things I forgot I had. I will encorporated some of my favorites, but the others will land in the garage sale pile, I'm sure. Spaceman has some furniture I'm kind of hoping he will bring, eventually. We don't have furniture for that room. It echos with my brother moved out. Or, we can paint in there. I'm open to whatever other ideas he has.
The kitchen, actually, that was the first place I started purging. I had forgotten that my older sister came over and helped me do that so many months ago. So that's checked off the list. That leaves the bedrooms and bathrooms. I need to start applying more pressure to the kids to purge their dressers and closets. The hallway hamper constantly overflows and no one can EVER find any socks. grrr Both the bathrooms need some handyman work. One project, replacing the bathroom surround (and repairing any plumbing issues), is beyond my skillset. The other bathroom needs a hole in the wall from an outside faucet repair job. I repaired such a hole once from the front yard faucet repair years ago. But I have yet to tackle this one... it's not a priority at the moment.
We also already switched over to using non-chemical, organic wool dryer balls. Spaceman is allergic to the chemicals in fabric softener. So I ordered and tried out dryer balls and O.M.G. they WORK, and well! The clothes are soft when they come out. The only drawback is you might need to not dry things as long, since they dry stuff faster, and when overdried, can produce static. Not really a drawback at all really. It was like hitting the Staples "easy button". Simple. Effective. Cheaper. I highly recommend dryer balls. They just stay in there with every load, no need to replace them, like ever, they say.
It's pretty exciting to be receiving spaceman into our home, at least for me anyway. :) The kids know it's coming, and I should probably sit down with each of them and get a better feel for their feelings on things. But, I don't sense there are any major issues. They have dealt with their dad having new women in his life a couple of times, so I think they have some idea of what that process is like - getting used to another person. It's a huge plus that they seem genuinely accepting of spaceman in my life, and soon, in our lives. I'm not saying I expect it will be a smooth ride, but... we will take it one day at a time.
So it's been really good to have 7 months of time between decision to live together and actual carrying out of that decision. Yeah, it's been frustrating to continue in the long-distance relationship even longer. But, I like the pace. I have never been very successful at relationships before, so for the mere sake of "being sure" that's also a benefit of being patient. I'm so sure about spaceman and I. It's incredibly different this time, in really amazing ways. He jokes around with me in a half-serious way about how it will be like after the U-Haul is unloaded, returned and we are left to face one another in a way that we've never done before... the inital awkwardness, the joy too, the not knowing where to put stuff lol. But... at least with my efforts to clear out the place, prepare it for our life together, he will find enough "options" to not just stick things here and there because it's the "only" place it will fit, but because it feels good and right to place it there. I will rearrange to make any of it happen. I'll do round 15 of purging, if necessary. It's incredibly important to me that the house feels like his home, too.
We are already discussing plans for expanding and improving gardening on the property. He has ideas formulating and said he will sketch up a rough draft of plans to discuss. I'm stoked! I cannot wait to be doing projects with him like that. That's "play" to me. It's work, no doubt, but it's something we both want to make CENTRAL in our lives, this gardening, canning, food-self sufficiency stuff - as much as we can integrate, bit by bit, anyway. While we plan to make our gardens here as great as we can, we are also further defining, imagining, and dreaming up what we want with our next residence. Pretty cool stuff, to dream and create, together-together.
Friday, July 22, 2016
work and kids
Oh thank god I am free
Free of all those windows I had open for work
Shut those things down, yes
Dinner is also done, served, and everyone doing their own relaxing
So nice
I left work today, early, just to set back up at home and be on call. So I had some extra time to cook dinner for my kids. Nothing too special... crappy hamburger helper lasagna with organic green beans seasoned with beef bullion, mixed variety small potatoes in organic butter, garlic and onion powder, and fresh parsley from the garden out back. My 19 yo young man said, "Mom?" ...*makes the italian kisses-hand face*... "your potatoes" *makes kissy face again*
The dish I enjoyed making the most, was the one he and I both liked best. The girl child and her boyfriend did not say crap (other than load up with hungry eyes), they are in their own little world. I don't need them to say anything. It was crap for main dish, bleh. The rest of the ingredients were more natural. ...but still basic. I'm not a sensation in the kitchen haha. Being an Aquarius-galore, cooking was, um, an interruption. But as a single parent, a necessity, a routine.
Me and routines...
*shakes head*
Routines sometimes grate me crazy after some time, even the most well-intention-ed ones. Maybe not that bad......
Anyway, free time this evening!
I decided not to go to the Up to Us caravan stop in Columbus tonight. I had felt it fair I take an on-call night when the two top off-hours support folks both were unable, plus... it was kinda my job, as backup. You know, there's that. So.... I left work a little early so I could "babysit support" from the comfort of my own home. Working from home is a HUGE perk of being in the software developer world. I worked from home for 5 years when the kids were little. It afforded me more time to keep up on things around the house. Ready for a walk? (We walk for 15 minutes afternoons at work even now) When I was working from home, instead of taking that walk, I got up and folded laundry or started dinner or ran out to pick my kids up from school because there are no buses. Working from home was just what I needed during an important time while my kids were younger. I don't prefer it these days. At home I want to play, and at work I am better at not instead playing. Simple. Home just feels like relaxation to me and that's how I like it to be.
When I get home I cannot wait to change my clothes! I want my comfy clothes! I want to throw off all those too detailed clothes and put on something made of old cotton.
THEN I can go about whatever it is needs doing when the kids-filled evening is calling my attention. That's usually NOT been dinner lately, since it is MY belief that the 16 and 19 year olds are QUITE capable of making a dinner for the two of them. I cannot eat most everything they can and am tired of cooking meals others like that I cannot eat. Plus, I'm busy, or tired. That must sound like a mean mom, but sheesh. I taught the oldest to make his own bowl of cereal and to go watch tv until mom woke up... as soon as I could. This is just me, thinking kids can do for themselves. My niece made pancakes the other day by herself. She asked a few questions but generally made all her own decisions and did it herself. Later on, she and her brother asked me to supervise them using a wood-burning writing utensil on some scrap wood out front (this was at the farm). They each made an attempt to make a sign for their new business "chicken run". Kids are smart cookies. I believe in treating them as if they are and developing their noodles. Some parents parent by dictatorship. That's not me. I always try to explain my reasons to them when I tell them why I decide what I decide. I will explain the dynamics of situations, for as long as they are willing to oblige me (they don't always), and we will discuss it when one of them feels differently. Sometimes this has been quite heated! But as I have grown while growing them, I hope that they internalize growth-seeking foundations as well.
....and the boy child has come into my room to bother me (his words not mine), time for laughs
That's not a ad in my blog post. It's my googling what the 19 year old is telling me about, having sworn there was cosmic beer in that nebula. hahaha He says he would LOVE to drink some 10 thousand year old cosmic beer! What a dork. lol
...and he's still imagining what it would be like, probably a little dirty (LMAO).
I'm outta here, kids galore...
Free of all those windows I had open for work
Shut those things down, yes
Dinner is also done, served, and everyone doing their own relaxing
So nice
I left work today, early, just to set back up at home and be on call. So I had some extra time to cook dinner for my kids. Nothing too special... crappy hamburger helper lasagna with organic green beans seasoned with beef bullion, mixed variety small potatoes in organic butter, garlic and onion powder, and fresh parsley from the garden out back. My 19 yo young man said, "Mom?" ...*makes the italian kisses-hand face*... "your potatoes" *makes kissy face again*
The dish I enjoyed making the most, was the one he and I both liked best. The girl child and her boyfriend did not say crap (other than load up with hungry eyes), they are in their own little world. I don't need them to say anything. It was crap for main dish, bleh. The rest of the ingredients were more natural. ...but still basic. I'm not a sensation in the kitchen haha. Being an Aquarius-galore, cooking was, um, an interruption. But as a single parent, a necessity, a routine.
Me and routines...
*shakes head*
Routines sometimes grate me crazy after some time, even the most well-intention-ed ones. Maybe not that bad......
Anyway, free time this evening!
I decided not to go to the Up to Us caravan stop in Columbus tonight. I had felt it fair I take an on-call night when the two top off-hours support folks both were unable, plus... it was kinda my job, as backup. You know, there's that. So.... I left work a little early so I could "babysit support" from the comfort of my own home. Working from home is a HUGE perk of being in the software developer world. I worked from home for 5 years when the kids were little. It afforded me more time to keep up on things around the house. Ready for a walk? (We walk for 15 minutes afternoons at work even now) When I was working from home, instead of taking that walk, I got up and folded laundry or started dinner or ran out to pick my kids up from school because there are no buses. Working from home was just what I needed during an important time while my kids were younger. I don't prefer it these days. At home I want to play, and at work I am better at not instead playing. Simple. Home just feels like relaxation to me and that's how I like it to be.
When I get home I cannot wait to change my clothes! I want my comfy clothes! I want to throw off all those too detailed clothes and put on something made of old cotton.
THEN I can go about whatever it is needs doing when the kids-filled evening is calling my attention. That's usually NOT been dinner lately, since it is MY belief that the 16 and 19 year olds are QUITE capable of making a dinner for the two of them. I cannot eat most everything they can and am tired of cooking meals others like that I cannot eat. Plus, I'm busy, or tired. That must sound like a mean mom, but sheesh. I taught the oldest to make his own bowl of cereal and to go watch tv until mom woke up... as soon as I could. This is just me, thinking kids can do for themselves. My niece made pancakes the other day by herself. She asked a few questions but generally made all her own decisions and did it herself. Later on, she and her brother asked me to supervise them using a wood-burning writing utensil on some scrap wood out front (this was at the farm). They each made an attempt to make a sign for their new business "chicken run". Kids are smart cookies. I believe in treating them as if they are and developing their noodles. Some parents parent by dictatorship. That's not me. I always try to explain my reasons to them when I tell them why I decide what I decide. I will explain the dynamics of situations, for as long as they are willing to oblige me (they don't always), and we will discuss it when one of them feels differently. Sometimes this has been quite heated! But as I have grown while growing them, I hope that they internalize growth-seeking foundations as well.
....and the boy child has come into my room to bother me (his words not mine), time for laughs
That's not a ad in my blog post. It's my googling what the 19 year old is telling me about, having sworn there was cosmic beer in that nebula. hahaha He says he would LOVE to drink some 10 thousand year old cosmic beer! What a dork. lol
...and he's still imagining what it would be like, probably a little dirty (LMAO).
I'm outta here, kids galore...
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
The mania in my head
It's raining, and that means I'm indoors tonight. I've broken down and watched Cosmic Disclosure without spaceman, and he's not online yet. And so I realized that for the first time in seriously too long, I have alone time.
*warning, a kid hovers close to my bedroom door. beware of teenagers who, for some reason, really like annoying their mom.*
Disclaimers aside, it's nice to have the culmination of all things needed to write. I REALLY miss it. Work has been KILLER lately, and work is sometimes when I sneak 20 minutes of splurge writing, even if it never lands here. There's been none of that lately. I've also found myself in this mode... this mode where if I miss even an hour of sleep at night, I don't have the reserves to absorb it. That is ENTIRELY my own doing. I cannot pull myself away from spaceman hahaha. We talk on the phone until 12:30-1 am every night, EVERY night. It's NEVER boring, by FAR.
Okay, enough with the caps... (but seriously, mmhmm <3)
I'm in full prep mode, can't you tell? I'm relaxing and writing. haha But seriously, I should be doing some laundry so I can pack tomorrow night after work, because Friday after work, I'm hitting the road to Virginia again, to see him, again. :)
*kid alert!!!*
19-yo kid alert: "Mom, I put your laundry in the drier. I might be going to bed soon."
me: "Okay, thanks. You go sooner, I'll go later. Gnight!"
and he's gone! (whew)
Have to try to avoid the conversations that usually follow! Why you ask? BECAUSE THEY NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE lol I laugh, and I joke, but it's kinda true. If you're a parent, you probably get it, intimately.
Why? Because it's writing time!!
Friday, yes... Friday I'm hitting the road and driving 6 hours to Virginia to spend his birthday weekend with him. Psst, don't tell him... I don't have a gift. I've been too back-to-back busy to contemplate this all important gift thing. Maybe the trip will count, I thought??? And then he told me he's paying for my trip, for me not to worry. mmm hmm, now what?
I'll think of something (or not :( )
aaaaaannnnnd my time has come to a close. spaceman is online. :D
*warning, a kid hovers close to my bedroom door. beware of teenagers who, for some reason, really like annoying their mom.*
Disclaimers aside, it's nice to have the culmination of all things needed to write. I REALLY miss it. Work has been KILLER lately, and work is sometimes when I sneak 20 minutes of splurge writing, even if it never lands here. There's been none of that lately. I've also found myself in this mode... this mode where if I miss even an hour of sleep at night, I don't have the reserves to absorb it. That is ENTIRELY my own doing. I cannot pull myself away from spaceman hahaha. We talk on the phone until 12:30-1 am every night, EVERY night. It's NEVER boring, by FAR.
Okay, enough with the caps... (but seriously, mmhmm <3)
I'm in full prep mode, can't you tell? I'm relaxing and writing. haha But seriously, I should be doing some laundry so I can pack tomorrow night after work, because Friday after work, I'm hitting the road to Virginia again, to see him, again. :)
*kid alert!!!*
19-yo kid alert: "Mom, I put your laundry in the drier. I might be going to bed soon."
me: "Okay, thanks. You go sooner, I'll go later. Gnight!"
and he's gone! (whew)
Have to try to avoid the conversations that usually follow! Why you ask? BECAUSE THEY NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE lol I laugh, and I joke, but it's kinda true. If you're a parent, you probably get it, intimately.
Why? Because it's writing time!!
Friday, yes... Friday I'm hitting the road and driving 6 hours to Virginia to spend his birthday weekend with him. Psst, don't tell him... I don't have a gift. I've been too back-to-back busy to contemplate this all important gift thing. Maybe the trip will count, I thought??? And then he told me he's paying for my trip, for me not to worry. mmm hmm, now what?
I'll think of something (or not :( )
aaaaaannnnnd my time has come to a close. spaceman is online. :D
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